Blackhawks triumph helps Chicago recover from Great Fire of 1871 (SATIRE)


chicago fire

With every postseason win, the Chicago Blackhawks take another step towards drinking the blessed waters residing within Lord Stanley’s Cup. The possibility of tasting these pure waters lifts the spirits of Windy City Citizens still yearning for a ray of light to guide them through the dark devastation brought on by the Great Chicago Fire in October of 1871.

Every Crawford kick-save is yet another opportunity to make Chicago residents forget about that fateful lantern, kicked over by Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that led to doom and destruction.

Every goal scored by Jonathan “Captain Serious” Toews is another chance to alleviate the serious and somber mood possessed by many who lost everything in the second city’s historical inferno. For Chicagoans, a deep Hawks playoff run is just what they need to get past these lean and mean times.mrs. o'leary's cow

Ok, by now you’ve realized I’m being ironic…right? I truly hope you didn’t fall for that disgustingly cheap pablum and mindless, sappy garbage I typed in the first two paragraphs.

I was laying it on pretty thick.

And believe me, it was extremely difficult for me to write those cheap, air-kissed platitudes.

But then again, some people believed CBS when they made their non-stop allusions to Michigan State’s qualifying for the 2009 Final Four, held in Detroit, as a saving grace for the motor city.

Remember those cheap, poorly written, horribly produced stories about wow hard the state of Michigan was hit by the economy in 2008-09?

And how the Spartans run to the title game would get them through it?

Hey, I know what will help- GOOD-PAYING JOBS!!!

I shudder to even bring up ESPN, the New Orleans Saints, and how the Saints’ Super Bowl win somehow got everyone in the Big Easy out of their collective post-Katrina problems. Winning the NFL title DOES NOT REBUILD SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS AND INFRASTRUCTURE! A government that works and cares about it’s citizens- that’s what gets it done.

And Katrina happened four years before the Super Bowl for that matter. So when do you draw the line? If England wins the World Cup does that redeem the country from the Battle of Hastings in 1066? Did the French World Cup win of 2002 help that nation’s citizens get through the time that the Saxons routed the Gauls?

Natural disasters, terrorist attacks, wars and all other catastrophes have NOTHING to do with winning games.

Simply put, if you enjoy and believe these cheap, and fallacious story archetypes, you are intellectually bankrupt! If you produce and/or distribute them, you have no soul! Sports are a nice diversion, a pleasant distraction from our problems and our issues. We love it when our teams reach the pinnacle of their game. We savor and celebrate, but it still does NOTHING to cure social ills.

Paul M. Banks owns, operates and writes The Sports, which is partnered with Fox Sports Digital. Banks, a former writer for the Washington Times, currently contributes to the Chicago Tribune RedEye edition. He also appears regularly on numerous sports talk radio stations all across the country.

Follow him on TwitterInstagram and Facebook

Speak Your Mind