2013 Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Hip Hop MCs Edition


kanye-west-big-ten-football

Can’t leave Big Ten football alone the game needs me. Notorious B.I.G. once said that he raps about the ghetto because that’s what he knows. And…”if I worked at McDonald’s, I’d be rapping about Big Macs and fries.”

You write and talk what you know and live. And I know Big Ten football. We’re still a ways away from Big Ten football media days. Well, less than two weeks now. The preseason is indeed here, time for some WAY TOO Early Big Ten football power rankings

1.) Ohio State Buckeyes = Kanye West

So loved. So hated. Their hubris is the source/cause of their polarization. Sometimes they can get away with believing the rules don’t apply to them. Sometimes they c”I’m a let ya finish, but the tattoo scandal was the greatest college football scandal of all time!” sometimes they can not.

You knew I was going to use “when it all falls down” for OSU. “the people highest up have the lowest self esteem…the prettiest people do the ugliest things.”

They’re the kingpins. Top of the food chain of Big Ten football.

And for both Ye and Urban Meyer, “a life of crime is the life of mine.” Think of all the college football players arrested when he was in charge at the University of Florida. That’s coming to Ohio State too; if it hasn’t already. When it comes to recruiting, Urban definitely has “hugs for my thugs.”

kanye west_common

2.) Michigan Wolverines = Eminem

Detroit based franchise with glory days that are mostly behind them. But they seem to be getting relevant again. Even though everyone seems to think they’re possibly overrated.

“And I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am? In the paper, the news everyday I am.”

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In Big Ten football, it’s always the big 2 of Ohio State and Michigan, then a big drop off to everyone else.

3.) Nebraska Cornhuskers = Common

The world’s best vegetarian MC synergized with a team named after corn? I might be stretching on this one. At least the quote applies to Bo Pelini.

“They say “life is a game,” so I play hard Writin for my life cause I’m scared of a day job”

4.) Northwestern Wildcats = Lupe Fiasco

Chicago based outfit, with solid fundamentals but they’ll never achieve large sold-out stadium status. The thinking man’s choice- which also unfortunately keeps them from making it bigger.

“they’re starting to think that smart is cool, Lu. Dumb it Down! You’ll sell more records if you “dumb it down!”

5.) Michigan State Spartans = D12

There’s talent, substance and grittiness here; also a massive chip on their shoulder. Mostly because they’ll always be compared to you-know-who. It doesn’t help that the person/team is so close to them. And since 90% of what State girls talk about is getting wasted (at least the ones I knew, and the grads here in Chi), the song choice is…

“High off chronic Gin and tonic demonic Body smelt like vomit”

jay z nets-big-ten-football

6. Wisconsin Badgers = Jay Z

Just when you think they’re done…they keep coming back. And they remind you of their immaculate record. Look at all they’ve done! And it reminds me you, they’ll do it again.

“You think this is a tall order, this is nothing to me. Difficult takes a day, impossible to takes a week.”

7.) Penn State Nittany Lions  =R. Kelly

Always known for disgusting sexual perversion first. Jerry Sandusky. Joe Paterno. Ick.

jerry-sandusky-big-ten-football

8) Purdue Boilermakers  = Paperboy

Had some good times in the 90s, but haven’t really been talked about very highly about since. They can beat weak teams, cupcakes at least.
“But let me speak for the weak, I mean the rookies, My time is held up, extremely for cookies”

9.) Iowa Hawkeyes  = Coolio

Everyone can appreciate them when they’re on their game. Had a lot of legal troubles in 2010. Stemming from controlled substances.

“1-2-3-4 it’s like A-B-C if hip-hop didn’t pay I’d rap for free”

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10.) Indiana Hoosiers = Bluff Daddy, Chris Rock’s parody of Puff Daddy, in his 1997 send-up of Bad Boy Entertainment: “Champagne.”

Utterly laughable. Not to be taken seriously

“I drink Champagne in my car. higgy higgy haw higgy higgy haw…I drink champagne when I hustle, I drink champagne with Nipsy Russell, I drink champage in the hood, I drink champagne with Tiger Woods. It’s all good y’all Tiger Woods y’all.”

11.) Minnesota Golden Gophers = LMFAO

Very little substance and talent. Almost all success is only due to flukiness, kitsch, and general silliness.

“Girl look at that body. I work out. Girl look at that body.”

12.) Illinois Fighting Illini = Dr. Dre

You forget they exist most years, but when they have a big year, they really have a BIG YEAR. The Dr. has The Chronic (1993) and Chronic 2001 (released in 1999). This decade, the Illini made the BCS in ’01 and ’07, and just one winning season outside of those years . I feel terrible rating Dr. Dre so low, but that’s just the way it is.

Black Rockefeller, hella swiss or mozzarella. pockets swella. getting money like a bank teller.

Paul M. Banks is the owner of The Sports Bank.net. (“Quasi-endorsed” by Philadelphia Eagles Coach Chip Kelly) He’s also an author who contributes regularly to MSN, Fox Sports , Chicago Now, Walter Football.com and Yardbarker

Banks has appeared on the History Channel, as well as ESPN and CBS radio all over the world. The NFL, NBA expert does a weekly spot for 95.7 The Fan. President Barack Obama follows him on Twitter (@PaulMBanks), like him on Facebook

Comments

  1. Nick Grays says:

    Awesome Article!

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