This week at The Sports Bank we posed ourselves some NCAA Tournament related “Yearbook Questions” to figure out two things: A) Just how much we enjoy being smart asses and B) well, there really is no B), we just wanted to share our smart ass comments with you in a little bit different format.
Coach most likely to screw his team over:
– Clemson’s Oliver Purnell. He’s always on the hot seat, and with good reason. His squad blew a 23 point lead, at home…TO ILLINOIS!!! They couldn’t even make the tournament!!!
– Lon Kruger, UNLV.
– Frank Martin, Kansas State. The Wildcats have another extremely talented team this year. When they had Michael Beasley, they only reached the second round of the tournament. Martin lacks experience going deep into March, and could make a critical coaching error this year.
– Bill Carmody, Northwestern. Carmody’s lack of exp… wait, what’s that? They didn’t make the tournament? Again? Are you kidding me? Paul M. Banks was declaring them a mortal lock to make the field of 65 back in December… are you sure they didn’t make it?
– Rick Pitino, Louisville… oh, I’m sorry… I thought it said screw a chick who is not his wife.
Coach most likely to cry after a loss:
– Utah State’s Stew Morrill and BYU’s David Rose. Mormons. They’re emotional. I’ve watched every episode of HBO’s Big Love, so I’m practically an expert on Mormon stuff.
– Lon Kruger, UNLV.
– Matt Painter, Purdue. He will cry on Robbie Hummel’s shoulder after they lose in the first round to Siena.
– Urban Meyer, Florida. Dude can turn on the waterworks better than Sandra Bullock in “Hope Floats”… Hold on… Oh, basketball? Let me think on that… you know who it won’t be, John Calipari. That dude is completely comfortable with losing in the tournament.
– Tom Izzo, MSU… rumor has it he was crying in a closet after losing to Wisconsin in the 2008 Big Ten Tournament…
Coach most likely to cry after a win:
– Ohio State’s Thad Matta. He just looks like a crier.
– Lefty Driessel, yes I know he’s dead.
– Oliver Purnell, Clemson. “I did it!” says Purnell, sobbing. “I finally won a game in the NCAA Tournament! Took me 22 years but I did it!”
– Crying after a win? These sissies should be ashamed of themselves. If Adolph Rupp were alive he’d beat the crap out of a coach who cried. I bet Steve Alford would try and fake it though. That guy sucks.
Coach most likely to contemplate murder during a game:
– Kansas State’s Frank Martin. He’s also the coach most likely to actually commit murder during the game…Not because of his team, mind you. He’s just a psychopath.
– Tom Izzo, Michigan State.
– Rick Pitino, Louisville. The fact that he could have connections to the mob, coupled with his wildly inconsistent team will have Pitino’s mind wandering towards murder during the tournament.
– Mike Krzyzewski, Duke. You should always worry about a guy who’s last name is on letter away from spelling Krazy Zewski.
Coach least likely to understand “The Internet”
– Pete Carril, yes I know Princeton didn’t qualify
– Tom Penders, Houston. He is 64 years old, making him one of the oldest active coaches. Among this group, he coaches the smallest school in Houston. Old coach at a smaller school equals less Internet knowledge? Maybe.
Coach that will make face that looks like he is taking a dump:
– California’s Mike Montgomery. This goes back to when he was coaching at Stanford, during one of his team’s many underacheiving seasons, where he actually DID take a dump on the sidelines…
– Thad Motta, Ohio State. Anyone who watches Buckeye basketball knows that Thad’s face gets as red as his maroon tie when something goes wrong.
Player that will make the most ridiculous shot of the tournament:
– Ohio State’s William Buford. Underrated second banana, and made two ridiculous oop-de-oop layups in the Big Ten Tournament.
– Evan “His Royal Smoothness” Turner
– John Wall, Kentucky. Wall’s ability to finish at the rim always leaves the door open for a crazy scoop shot or something similar. His three to seal the SEC Championship game was pretty ridiculous as well, so it could come from anywhere.
– Da’Sean Butler, West Virginia. Only because I can’t wait until he makes another shot like he did against Cincinnati in the Big East Tournament and whoever is announcing the game for CBS can say “The Butler Did It!!!!” for the 13 millionth time. God, I forgot how much fun sarcasm is.
Player to have the “whitest” celebration of the tournament:
– Purdue’s Chris Kramer. He just tries to hard. He’ll fist bump someone, or try to salute someone, and just look like an ass.
– Cole Aldrich, Kansas. He’s nearly translucent, he’s originally from Minnesota, he lives in a town surrounded by corn and cows and he sports a haircut that George Mikan would be proud of. Is there really a debate here?
– Duke. I think this entire team (Kyle Singler, Jon Scheyer, Brian Zoubek, the Plumlee twins) will have a team-wide “white” post game celebration when they reach the Elite Eight.
Player most likely to eat his feelings:
– Michigan State’s Derrick Nix. And he’ll eat all the nearest hot dogs, burgers, pie…
– Luke Harangody (aka Leprechaun Fu*#er), Notre dame. I’m not sure why, but I see a little White Goodman in LF… without the sweet mustache and great hair.
Player most likely to call his agent from the bench:
– Ohio State’s Mark Titus. Club Trillionaire already joked about Tweeting from the bench before being told he couldn’t. I guarantee he’ll get his literary agent on the phone.
– GaniLawal, Georgia Tech.
Player with the worst hair:
– Gonzaga’s Matt Bouldin. Shocking, I know — Gonzaga has a floppy-haired stoned looking guy who looks like he is wearing guy-liner.
– The flat top guy from Wisconsin. I’m not sure which one, they all look the same.
– Florida’s Alex Tyus… nobody rocks the balding/dread/headband look like Tyus.
– Leprechaun Fu*#er, Notre Dame. LF’s hair is inexcusably hideous. It is also the best indication that he has no friends. IF he had friends, SOMEONE would pull him a side to tell him that his stupid hair makes him look like Toad from Super Mario Brothers.
Player you would be most afraid of in a dark alley:
– Tennessee’s Wayne Chism. I don’t actually know why…but he scares the living hell out of me. I know that Demarcus Cousins is the easy answer here, but Chism is sneaky crazy. That’s worse…
– DeMarcus Cousins, Kentucky. Cousins measures 6 foot 11 inches, 270 pounds, and is emotionally unstable on the court. Do I want to find out if he is emotionally unstable off the court? No thanks.
Team most likely to destroy your brackets:
– Kansas. Do not trust in Bill Self. EVER.
– Cornell “the fighting Nard dogs”
– Utah State. They can definitely get past Texas A&M to provide the annual 12-over-5 upset. Then, the competition gets easier no matter which team they face. Both Purdue without Hummel and Siena are worse than Texas A&M. Utah State could reach the Sweet Sixteen.
– Villanova. Remember last month when Nova was 20-1? They’ve gone 4-6 since then and played awful defense. They got a favorable seed and some decent match-ups in the South Regional and very well could go to the Final Four. Or they could lose in the 2nd round to Richmond or St. Mary’s.
– The South Region… that’s 16 teams but I hate that bracket so much I’ll count all 16 teams.
Team that will develop the biggest bandwagon:
– Murray State. EVERYONE is hopping on against a Vandy team that always tends to underacheive in the NCAA’s. One of their players’ moms just died in a car accident…they are a 13 seed an only a three point underdog!!! That’s insane!
– Murray State. The Racers are becoming a sexy pick to knock off Vanderbilt in the first round. They will have the support of neutral fans when they play the Commodores, and even more support in their second round game against either Butler or UTEP. They are a very dangerous 13 seed.
Team that will cause the most stress related ambulance calls:
– Kentucky. The talent is obvious, but the experience is lacking. This combination should result in some slow starts that will make Wildact fans nervous. But fear not, their talent will carry them a long way. Just be prepared for some fingernail chewing.
– Kentucky- especially since that state has so many obese people to begin with.
– Kentucky. For a team that is really good, they’ve got a high-strung fan base. Go read their message boards — these people are clinically insane. And for some reason I can’t explain, they play a TON of close games…
– Marquette… they have already given me more heart attacks in the past four months than Dick Cheaney has in his lifetime. (That’s a lot.) So why quit during the tournament.
Team most likely to completely quit on their coach:
– UConn… oh wait, that already happened during the Big East Tournament…
– Texas. I just don’t feel like they believe in Rick Barnes. There’s certainly not a lot of love in Austin for him right now either…
– Texas. Coach Rick Barnes has said that he does not think about winning a championship as much as other coaches. Texas was ranked number one earlier this season, but Barnes has lost his team since then. Expect an emotionless win against Wake Forest, then a drubbing from Kentucky.
– Lehigh. Why do 16 seeds even bother bringing their coaches to their first round match-up anyway?
Most polarizing team in the tournament:
– Purdue — Many think the Boilers should have been seeded a lot lower after crapping the bed against Minnesota in the Big Ten Semifinals. Their fan base is getting more than a little defensive. There may be brawls in the crowd whenever they play because of this.
– Syracuse…it all starts at the top.
– Georgetown. They can either be spectacular (see wins over Duke, Villanova and Syracuse) or terrible (see losses to Old Dominion, Rutgers, and South Florida). They are the 3 seed in the toughest region, so they must be spectacular if they want to make it much further than the Sweet Sixteen.
*(note: staff was instructed to not answer Duke for the previous question unless they had something really funny to say about Duke)
Commercial that will become synonymous with the 2010 NCAA Tournament on CBS :
– The Old Spice commercials. They are one of the best advertising campaigns of the last five years. Just tremendous. I’m on a horse.
– Muscle Milk Katie… I have no real reason why but I figure it’s a good excuse to post a pic of her.
– I wish it was Muscle Milk Katie, but CBS didn’t play it once all last weekend after I’d gotten so accustomed to seeing it every 8 minutes on ESPN during the Big East Tournament. I really wish it was Muscle Milk Katie.
CBS Show that will be totally overhyped during the tournament:
– Miami Medical. It’s already happening. Did you hear, Jerry Bruckheimer is producing a medical drama for the first time? Also, it’s hard to type while beating my head against the wall…
– CSI (insert city name here)
– The Masters is a show, right? With Tiger coming back, I bet we hear that more than the catchy sing-along tune of a bunch of guys sitting around a bonfire singing “Viva Viagra.”
Over/Under on games decided by 3 points or less during the tournament:
– Either 0 or 64… or somewhere in between there.
Commercial most likely to incite a riot by Noon on Friday:
– Anything with Flo from Progressive Insurance
– Miami Medical again. I have a feeling that everyone will try to burn Miami to the ground by the end of the weekend just to stop this show from airing…
– Any Commercial for CBS Nightly News where they show Katie Couric’s face in HD. Shield young children and small pets.
Player you will most want to punch by the end of the tournament:
– Purdue’s Chris Kramer. Or is it cheating that I already want to punch him?
– Greivis Vazquez, Maryland. Does it count if I wanted to punch him before the tournament too?
– The Leprechaun Fu#$er… I wanted to punch him three years ago so why stop now?
– Cole Aldrich. I just want to throttle him while screaming, “STOP BEING SO WHITE!”
Coach for whom you would most like to by a beer:
– Louisville’s Rick Pitino. He’s had a rough year, let’s just all admit it…
– Lefty Driessel, yes again I know he’s dead.
– Tom Izzo, Michigan State. With me being an MSU alumni and all, the choice is obvious. Definite “homer” decision.
– John Wooden. Even though he hasn’t had a drink in about 80 years, I’d like to sit down with him in front of a full beer that he would keep looking at like it was an STD. That awkward silence would be AWESOME!
Team most likely to celebrate a win at a Karaoke Bar:
– Michigan State. Tom Izzo and the Izzettes. I’d pay to see that act.
– Wofford. Don’t sleep on the Terriers
– Morgan State. I proposed that Morgan State should change their nickname from the “Bears” to the “Dancing Bears” because there are so many collegiate “Bears” already. Morgan State Dancing Bears just sounds cool. Plus they’d have a great chemistry up at the karaoke mic.
(Paul Schmidt, Paul M. Banks, Jeff Ghiringhelli, Peter Christian and David Kay contributed to this post)