By Jake McCormick
A wrench named Johnny Damon’s Indecision has been thrown into my series on each team’s offseason, so I’ve postponed its continuation for at least a couple days. Instead, with pitchers and catchers reporting this week, it’s only appropriate to make a can’t miss, Vegas busting, no hassle-guaranteed prediction for each team.
This is the first movie of an already financed sequel (part one of two, only with a completely different cast), with the American League leading off. These are also my early Power Rankings, which are a bit more realistic:
1. New York Yankees
Yankees fans spend the whole season rubbing everything in about the World Series. And they have every right to do it…until November 2010.
2. Boston Red Sox
The most overpaid Red Sox player, Bill Hall, resurrects his career and somehow does what he could never do in Milwaukee: hit an outside pitch.
Ken Griffey Jr.
3. Seattle Mariners
After the Mariners win the AL West and come within one game of the World Series, 40-year-old Ken Griffey Jr. retires, unretires, retires, and finally, unretires for one last shot at glory.
4. Minnesota Twins
Delmon Young goes on the 15 day DL from the end of June to the middle of July after the main Bioshock character, a White Sox fan, injects himself with the bee swarm plasmid and orders an attack on Young.
5. Chicago White Sox
Over the 2010 All-Star Break, the White Sox sponsor a bare knuckle boxing match between Luis Aparicio and Omar Vizquel the jersey number 11. Although the two are friends, Chicago hires Glenn Beck to distort their images of each other enough so they enter the ring like a dog from Bad Newz Kennels. Vizquel wins after a 45 second KO.
6. Los Angeles Angels
A self-admitted “no cup” man, Torii Hunter experiences a pain normally reserved for Little League participants when he takes a ball to the John Wayne Bobbit on a play similar to the 2009 NLDS Matt Holliday drop. Hunter finally learns his lesson and buys titanium protection.
7. Detroit Tigers
Much to his chagrine, admitting alcoholic tendencies forces Miguel Cabrera to lose weight, eat healthy, and stay focused on earning his massive paycheck, as opposed to waking up at 1 p.m. the day of a game with a splitting headache, before playing Madden for two hours, then heading to the stadium.
8. Texas Rangers
On August 1, the Rangers set a new Major League record for having the most pasty white men playing in consistent 90+ degree weather. By August 30, they ripen into plump, raisin-textured tomatoes.
9. Tampa Bay Rays
The Rays show they’re serious about changing their penny-pinching ways by giving each player a $50 raise and a $25 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods so they can finally buy desperately needed balls, bats, jerseys, and gloves.
10. Baltimore Orioles
The Orioles make a strong second half surge on the flatulants created by a new clubhouse pregame diet of gyros. The contaminated air becomes second nature to Baltimore, and serves as a massive distraction to opposing teams.
11. Oakland A’s
Billy Beane continues to wheel and deal like Jeremy Piven in The Goods, and finally gets Hollywood to move forward with his big screen biography after trading a rejuvenated Ben Sheets at the trading deadline for a few prospects. Beane looks even better when Sheets responds with his normal trend of an injury-riddled second half on a contender.
12. Toronto Blue Jays
Defying the odds brought on by his limited ability, Vernon Wells bats .270, hits 20 home runs, and 80 RBIs on a rebuilding team. Wells’ increased production reminds Blue Jay fans that he’s only the second biggest waste of untradeable money in the MLB, next to Alfonso Soriano.
13. Kansas City Royals
Joakim Soria and Zack Greinke defy the odds to become staples of long term success in Kansas City. They are subsequently rewarded when the team peaks with 75 wins and personal catering from Bob Gibson’s area restaurant.
14. Cleveland Indians
Grady Sizemore is contacted by multiple porn companies eager to feature him in videos entitled “Sizemore in the Center,” and “The Five Tooled Quest of Sizemore.” He obviously declines.