A re-post from 2010 in honor of chorizo and Cinco de Mayo
By: Melissa S. Wollering
This past week, the Klements’ Racing Sausages made Forbes List of America’s Favorite Mascots. Anyone who knows the loveable seven-foot meat products, knows they are always invited to a tailgate and were even invited to be on SportsCenter commercials.
However, the newest addition to the pack, created a few years back, is the Chorizo. He may be the least aerodynamic on account of his grande sombrero, but he is staying in the race, tied with the Hot Dog for the most won so far at Miller Park this season.
On this Cinco de Mayo, he also has a few words of wisdom for the Milwaukee Brewers.
Round It Out at the Plate
“I mean this in two ways, amigos, in that just as I utilize the plate to gauge my performance mid-race, all of the players can learn to do the same.
First, both the starting and relief pitchers should round it out at the plate. Doug Davis still needs to concentrate of his four-seam fastballs and changeups. When that’s your bun and ketchup, you had better figure that out. And Trevor Hoffman cannot be scolded for not relying on his changeup, when the real reason he is allowing runs is because he’s not putting himself in a position where that pitch would be useful. He must also be well-rounded and work to get ahead in the count using the fastball, no matter what fans say. Round it out, amigos.
Second, just as we recommend a well-rounded tailgate plate consisting of delicious sausage, vegetables like salad or corn, buns and/or tortillas and some fruit and dairy products such as queso, batters need to diversify what they’re bringing to their plate. Relying on the long ball can only sustain a scoring diet so long. I implore you to sprinkle in some manufactured runs and advance RISP. I think Tuesday at Los Angeles was a good start.”
Put Some Sauce On It
“I think the pitching speed has been a slight problem, considering our pitching staff on average was born in 1977, the same age of some of the men celebrating Cinco de Mayo in the taverns around Wisconsin. Fastballs in the 82-88 range are going to get you in trouble. Get it up over 90, boys.
Put some sauce on it. When the chorizo is dry, put some salsa on it and make it dance in your belly. What is the bratwurst without his sauerkraut and spicy mustard? Can you eat your polish without Secret Stadium Sauce? It does not work, amigos. Put some sauce on it.”
Use Your Cocktail Weinies
“Every Sunday, usually after what tends to be long home-stretches, we bring out our bench warmers, the Klements’ Cocktail Weinies. They come ready to run, ready to participate in a relay with us.
Don’t be afraid to use the bench players in both the conventional ways you have as well as in unconventional circumstances, Mr. Macha. Yovani Gallardo might not be a bad option to bring in as a pinch hitter on one of his days off in a situation when you’re looking for someone fresh and the bench looks a little sparse. He’s got three hits, one homer and four RBI’s on him this season, with a slugging percentage of .538. He had two homers last season, too.”
Rip the Casing Off
“Don’t know if you follow the other Milwaukee mascot, Bernie Brewer on Twitter, but he tells us the Crew is 10-5 when they hit a home run and 1-10 when they do not.
I guess, as in the world of sausage, sometimes you just have to rip the casing off the ball. I hate to see the team rely on the long ball in every situation, especially when the opposing pitching is superb, but obviously this statistic speaks for itself.”
Grill With Caution
“This one is more for the fans, but it can help both players and fans. Don’t be hard so hard on the players or Mr. Macha after just one month of play. Grill them with caution. April is a traditionally slow month for the team and for tailgating in general, as neither have yet “warmed-up.” Let’s focus on winning and playing well from here on out. You know we racing sausages will. And you can track our race wins at Miller park here.”
This article is comprised of opinions of the fictional Chorizo and is not associated with Klements, nor any Major League Baseball Organization, Mascot or brat vendor.