The 2014 NCAA Tournament begins in a couple hours! Well, the 2014 NCAA Tournament started Tuesday night. Sort of. The miniature sub-tournament leading us into the real thing has concluded. We don’t have to be appeased by conference tournaments, play-in games and NITs any longer. The big dance is really here. With it comes these painful platitudes and homogenized talking points.
Call it “announcer bingo” or 2014 NCAA Tournament “drinking games.” Or “cliche conventions.” Whatever you call them, we’re already sick of these, and we really haven’t even started yet.
Not sure how this will work given that the Shockers are a #1 seed this year. Maybe it’s a “shocker” if they lose. Seth Davis has already used this one about a dozen times, and they haven’t even played a single tourney game yet. The unoriginal will find a way to use this one over and over. Here’s how and why.
2. Every senior class under Tom Izzo has been to at least one Final Four…except this one.
Yes, every player who’s stayed all four years under Tom Izzo has been to at least one Final Four. Other than this year’s seniors: Keith Appling and Adreian Payne. So the pressure’s on. If you cover MSU regularly like I do, you’ve heard this an ear bleeding amount of times. If you also cover Northwestern regularly, as I also do, you’ve heard “NU has never been to the NCAA Tournament” an ear bleeding amount of times.
Just another day at the office. With Tom Izzo and Gary Harris #B1G #b1gtourney #msubb pic.twitter.com/ZcyelEjSZs
— Paul M. Banks (@PaulMBanks) March 16, 2014
3. Nebraska has never won a NCAA Tournament game
Only two power conference teams have never won a tourney game; both named NU. You know the first one from looking above. Nebrasketball, here in the dance as an #11 seed, is the other. I’d talk more about Nebrasketball, but I happen to care about page views. And page views and NU basketball…does not compute! Error. 404 Page Not Found.
4. Aaron Craft buzzwords and key-phrases: plays the game the right way/gritty/grindy/efforting/hustle plays/blue-collar/lunch-pail/gets after it on both ends
Obviously, we won’t be hearing these cliches in regards to Craft, as his team was upset and knocked out in the tourney’s very first game of the morning. There are six steps you can take towards becoming the type of college basketball player who will be described in such terms by every announcer. Craft is there, like Tyler Hansbrough and JJ Redick before him. I’ve outlined those six steps here. In true gritty fashion.
5. The “Here’s my view from the office today” tweet from EVERY journalist covering the tournament.
I made a joke about this during the Big Ten Tournament. And later committed the very same cliche crime myself. (posted in #2) Because the view from my press seat out-did their views this past weekend. And everyone’s views. Behold:
literally the view from my press row seat at the #b1gtourney #badgers so like the cliche tweet “view from the office” pic.twitter.com/lyUUfRU1qL
— Paul M. Banks (@PaulMBanks) March 17, 2014
6. “Their physicality.”
This is not a word. It’s never been a word. It never will be a word. So stop it. STOP IT!
7. “Well, my bracket is busted. Already!”
VERY Important rule to remember today, and the rest of the 2014 NCAA Tournament: no one gives a $%&* about your bracket other than yourself. This rule applies to everyone. No exceptions. So don’t clog my social media timeline telling me how your bracket is ruined already. Because NO ONE CARES
8. “Kentucky has a lot of talent, they just haven’t been able to put it all together.”
Yes, anyone who’s paid even the most remote level of attention to college basketball this year is already quite aware of this, Captain Obvious.
9. “North Carolina has had as uneven/bipolar/confusing/paradoxical season as anyone.”
Yes, we know. We’ve been paying attention all season, not just for the 2014 NCAA Tournament. So I now defer to the parody account of Tar Heels Coach Roy Williams
Proverdence? We’ll take er.
— Daggum Roy (@DaggumRoy) March 16, 2014
10. #12 over #5 “upset” strikes again
2014 marks the seventh straight year this has happened. It’s not actually SHOCKING or much of a SHOCKER when it does. (it all comes full circle)
Paul M. Banks owns The Sports Bank.net, an affiliate of Fox Sports. An MBA and Fulbright scholar, he’s also a frequent analyst on multiple news talk radio stations. The former NBC Chicago and Washington Times contributor has also been featured on the History Channel.