It’s no secret that 99/100 songs written specifically about sports teams SUCK. When they’re written for explicitly for the team, it’s a double whammy- crude, cold exploitative marketing. They’re usually obvious attempts by mediocre or worse musicians to capitalize on brief periods of civic pride. What follows are some of the worst of the worst. And sadly, eight slots is not enough. I know I left quite a few out.
1. When I heard Scott Stapp, former leadman for the “Jesus instructs you to buy our records, so you score points in the afterlife” band Creed, did a Florida Marlins song, I was like wow the unintentional comedy is going to be awesome here. TSB contributor Peter Christian told me it’s excruciating detail, and it lives down to the hype
2. “Only the Bulls”
The music is just as bad as the basketball was great. Vuvuzuelas and nails on chalk boards seem like pleasant alternatives to this early ’90s cheese. Even the bridge in this song is terrible, and usually that’s the best part.
3. “Be Like Mike”
It sounds remarkably like the song above yes. This one’s more sinister though because (and this comes from a lifelong Chicagoan and Bulls fan) Michael Jordan isn’t exactly regarded to be the best human being on the planet, and songs like these are what turned him into a multinational corporation disguised as a human being.
4. “Purple and Gold” Prince
If you can listen to the whole thing, you deserve a purple heart. Songs like these are the reason Prince has had zero hits since long before “1999.” 2000-zero-zero party over oops, out of time. Purify your ears in the water of Lake Minnetonka after hearing this montrosity
5. “Go Cubs Go” Steve Goodman
This isn’t fun bad. Like the Cubs. It’s just BAD. It’s not early 80s cheesy bad. It’s just BAD! And the random utterances in closing there? WTF are the saying. Listen “Who’s the man?” (or is it “teach ’em math!”) “Take charge,” “do it Huey Lewis” (a reference to the era it was recorded, 1983) and “Keep Natural” (wow, this song saw the steroid era coming 15 years ahead of time)
6. “Turning up the Heat” Milwaukee Brewers
Jim Gantner is still alive right? Well I’m sure he wishes he was anytime this song is played. From the only pennant year in Brewers history (1982) comes this pile of crap. Do these teams here in the Midwest believe us “farmers sons and daughters” have no taste in/knowledge of music?
7. “Meet the Mets”
It’s from the 1960s, so it has some retro kitch appeal. But music that only works in a muck-raking documentary, as background for the “it wasn’t always like this…..” or “in greater times……..” set-up statements to show how much better life was 40 years ago versus the hellscape we have today
8. “Ram It”
The beach volleyball scene in “Top Gun” has less obvious 1980s homo-eroticism than this video. Oh and the song….yeah it makes the Super Bowl Shuffle sound like 2pac’s double album “All Eyes on Me.”
Paul M. Banks is CEO of The Sports Bank.net, an official Google News site that generates millions of unique visitors. He’s also a regular contributor to Chicago Now, Walter Football.com, Yardbarker, and Fox Sports
He does regular weekly radio spots in Chicago and Cleveland and has appeared on live shows all across the world from Houston to New Zealand. You can follow him on Twitter