It is NFL Draft talking season! Which means we have enough soundbites for every NFL draft prospect to make some word salad. Actually, the gobbeldy-gook started flowing well before this week, due to the over-usage of NFL Draft cliches. All Draftniks do it, not just Mel Kiper or Daniel Jeremiah.
Yes, I’m aware that many of these are just scouting terms that have made their way into the mainstream lexicon as the NFL Draft went from niche to headliner. And yes, those scouting terms do have an actual specific meaning in some cases, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t make fun of them.
And yes, I do actually know what all of these are supposed to mean, but seriously, when you hear them on draft weekend, they’re soooooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
It probably just conveys how much the NFL Draft coverage has long been in overkill. So without further ado, let’s kick this cliche convention off. By the way, here is the link to our latest NFL mock draft.
1. “Has all the measurables”
2.”measurables monster”
3. aced the scouting combine”
4. “combine hero”
5. “he can make all the throws”
6. “character issues” 7. “red flags” 8. “off-the-field issues” <– these are all essentially all the same thing. They are blanket terms that can cover serious things like alleged murder and rape accusations. I mean “red flag” is a legitimately important metaphor, and players who have committed violent crimes don’t really deserve euphemisms.
However, these phrases can also cover immature, dumb, but essentially harmless things like stealing crab meat. When we were 18 or 19 we pretty much all did stuff that was beyond stupid and inexplicable.
These three terms can cover a wide spectrum of events, and they range greatly in how serious or superficial the magnitude. Can’t you just say the legal term for the alleged crime? Supposed infraction?
Would that really be such a big deal?
9. “quicker than fast”
10. “can drop his pads”
11. “all he does is make plays”
12. “manufacturing touches”
13. “his tape is better than he tests”
14. “can get up the field”
15. “straight line speed”
17. “a wow get off”
18. “sets a violent edge”
19.”great acceleration to the ball.”
20. “a height/weight/speed guy”
21. “best take get off”
22. “converts speed to power”
23. “edge-rusher” <–a new position made up during the past ten years, used to be called “defensive end” or “outside linebacker”
24. “plays well in space” <– this one always reminds me of “IIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN SPPPPPAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEE” like the old Daffy Duck cartoons “Duck Dodgers! Of the 24th and a half century!!”
25. “hand-in-the-ground player” <– so he’s a gardener? and yes I know what it really means
26. “high character guy”
27. “tremendous upside”
28. “untapped potential”
29. “great ball skills”
30. you coach him up” <– one of Kiper’s favorites, at this point Mel Kiper essentially is Frank Caliendo doing Mel Kiper, much like Jon Gruden actually is Frank Caliendo doing Jon Gruden.
31. “plays faster/slower than his tape/tests”
32. “5 technique, 3 technique”<– just a trendier, more scientific renaming of the defensive tackle or nose tackle position
33. “gets all the 50/50 balls” <– a more recent one, which originated in basketball
34. “shows great physicality”
35. “at the point of attack” <–this isn’t a trench in the Ardennes during World War I
36. “a space eater/run stuffer/a big body” we also would have accepted “road grader”
37. “a high motor guy”
38. “intangibles”
39. “SEC speed” <–the bastard cousin of this one is “he’s good at catching it in a crowd because he’ll always be in one
40. true north/south runner” <– I know what this means, but man I still really hate this one
41. “great acceleration in getting to the second level,” “pad level” is a catching on a lot too.
42. “very coachable”
43. “doesn’t have a lot of tread/too much tread on the tires”
44. a locker room guy
45.”he’s a football player” <–well, no shit he’s a football player but yes, we still hear this one all the time
<-which is loosely related to “He just wins” and “he’s just a winner”
45. “a man child”
46. “he’s a beast”
47. Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane”<– a guy who really looks like he should be very good, but actually totally sucks. This one might be a bit sexist, misogynist depending on just how far you go in being pc. It’s getting phased out now in the modern era.
48. “It’s a quarterback driven league”
49. “It all starts with the quarterback”
50. “It’s a passing league”
Paul M. Banks is the Founding Editor of The Sports Bank. He’s also the author of “Transatlantic Passage: How the English Premier League Redefined Soccer in America,” and “No, I Can’t Get You Free Tickets: Lessons Learned From a Life in the Sports Media Industry.”
He currently contributes to USA Today’s NFL Wires Network. His past bylines include the New York Daily News, Sports Illustrated and the Chicago Tribune. His work has been featured in numerous outlets, including the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, the Washington Post and ESPN. You can follow him on Linked In and Twitter.