By Jake McCormick
Baltimore Orioles pitcher Brad Bergesen has just been accepted into a club occupied by such recognizable MLB players as Kerry Wood, Jeff Kent, Clint Barmes and Sammy Sosa.
Bergesen was shooting a commercial for the Orioles in December when he somehow injured his shoulder, resulting in a seven- to 10-day late start to spring training for the talented youngster. Apparently soft tossing recyclable egg cartons into trash bins puts an abnormal amount of strain on the throwing arm.
In the vein of the United States’ reactive instead of proactive response to problems, Baltimore will now monitor all commercial shoots to make sure the players come out healthy. There are a lot of Gary Busey-crazy marketing directors and cameramen out there, you know.
Bergesen possesses a unique ability that maybe 5 percent of the country shares, yet still found a way to hurt himself doing something 95 percent of the country could do without harm. Only in baseball does this happen.
The NFL has Willis McGahee, Joe Theismann and, most recently, EJ Henderson. The NBA has Jorge Garbajosa, Shaun Livingston and TJ Ford. The MLB has Adam Eaton, John Smoltz and Kevin Mitchell. One of those three should make you conjure up images of your best friend’s dumbest intentional/unintentional “Jackass” impersonation.
I even pulled a Glenallen Hill a few weeks ago myself, except instead of running into coffee tables because of a nightmare, my entire leg was asleep and I dropped right on my tush the second I moved to get out of bed. That’s close enough to say I have something in common with a ballplayer.
In honor of Mr. Bergesen, and his speedy recovery from such a traumatizing event, I’ve compiled a list: The Top 5 Baseball Injuries Suffered Doing Something I’ve Done On A Regular Basis for the Past 10 Years. If you have any additions to the list, post them under this article.
5. Ryan Dempster
This is number five because I haven’t jumped over a dugout railing for probably five years. After a win against the Milwaukee Brewers at Wrigley Field in 2009, Dempster hopped over the rail and caught his cleat on the dugout screen, stubbing his toe and placing him in the DL. I know baseball doesn’t call for a 42-inch vertical, world-class athleticism or even finesse, but anyone over the age of 25 can’t be expected to make a move normally executed by seventh-graders hoping the pocket of female classmates in the stands notices their LeBron James-like hops.
4. Matt Wise
Wise is no Rachael Ray, or even Andrew Zimmern. Wise cut his middle finger on a pair of salad tongs as a Milwaukee Brewer in 2006, which begs the question: Where can I buy salad tongs that are strong enough to slice my hand? Even cooking isn’t safe for MLB players now, and I would bet that most end-of-the-year banquets aren’t potlucks anymore. Since then, I’ve petitioned Bud Selig to put star players in protective bubbles during off days, and I’ve also provided schematics after studying the movements of the great Jake Gyllenhaal in “Bubble Boy.”
3. Brandon Inge
Inge proved that no matter what your children say, you shouldn’t adjust their pillows to maximum comfort before they go to bed. Inge was placed on the 15-day DL in 2008 after adjusting his 3-year-old son’s pillow and straining his left oblique in the process. I can understand the underrated amount of strain this activity can have on someone’s back; some of those high-end pillows cost more than my iPod. If the Pacific Coast Pillow Co. was smart, it would ink Inge to a lucrative endorsement deal. Wouldn’t you buy a pillow from a professional athlete who says he was injured underestimating the pillow’s fluffiness?
2. Marty Cordova
Cue the Seinfeld theme song. Cordova pulled a Kramer with the Baltimore Orioles during the summer of 2002 when he fell asleep in a tanning bed. Doctors ordered Cordova to stay out of sunlight for a few days, which I’m sure went over great in the clubhouse. Cordova is a broadcaster with the Minnesota Twins now, and a bunch of my friends from the Cities always reference and make fun of the first time a player’s complexion has blended in with his team’s uniform colors.
1. Joel Zumaya
Easily my favorite injury because it legitimately involves two of my favorite things: baseball and video games. When a guy throws 100 mph, and did so 198 times last year (Jonathan Broxton was second in the Bigs with 90), you would think he’d be able to execute Through the Fire and Flames by Dragonforce on Expert with near perfection. As it turns out, Guns N Roses helped to sideline the fireballer throughout the 2006 ALCS and gave him some lingering effects in the World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. Any Tiger fans out there are free to place partial blame for Detroit’s loss on the guy who looks like the lead singer from Cold.