By: David Kay and Peter Christian
Since the Duke-Butler National Championship game is going to be as boring as any Wisconsin basketball game, allow the Sports Bank to spicen up your viewing party with our second annual National Championship Drinking Game.
When Peter Christian and David Kay collaborate on an article, it is either brilliant or loaded with stupidity. This happens to fall in the latter. Don’t believe us; check out our Super Bowl Drinking Game from earlier this year.
Our lawyer insisted we add the following: The Sports Bank is not responsible for anyone dumb enough to actually try this and the harm to his/her body that would certainly occur if this game was played. Also, please don’t drink and drive.
If there are more white players on the floor than black players:
Drink a 40 and remind yourself you are watching basketball in 2010.
If you are told Butler is playing close to home:
Soak cotton balls in vodka and put them to the side
Anytime there’s a reference to the movie “Hoosiers”:
Take the cotton balls to your side, place them in your ears, and light them on fire. Drink straight ether to mask the pain.
If it’s mentioned that Brad Stevens is young:
Go to the store and buy some booze for some under-aged kids…
Anytime Coach K or Stevens’ wife is shown in the crowd:
Change the channel to baseball, call CBS to let them know you changed the channel, keg stand while you’re on hold.
As soon as anyone from CBS mentions the phrase “David vs. Goliath” or “Cinderella”:
Start a power hour. Any time the phrase is said again, reset your timer to 60. (note: you may want to call ahead to the ER to reserve a room)
When, er, I mean if Matt Howard commits two first half fouls:
Drink a water (this is going to happen, so I’m trying to save your liver a little bit.)
If Clark Kellog uses the phrase “Dairy-Queened” to describe the fact that Howard has fouled out (been DQ’ed) a lot this season:
Vodka and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard mixer
Everytime you think, “man, Gus Johnson and Raftery would be way sweeter than Nantz and Kellogg:
Take a shot and yell your favorite Gus or Raf quote in your best Gus or Raf voice
If someone yells, “ONIONS” during the previous rule:
Punch that person in their onions.
Every time the trailer for “Clash of the Titans” is aired:
Walk to the bathroom and go #1. Announce “Release the Kraken!” midstream. When the joke stops being funny, it’s time to switch to only booze.
Any time Myles Brand is mentioned or honored:
30 seconds of silence (while chugging a beer) R.I.P. Mr. Brand
When your wife or girlfriend asks you to flip over to Dancing with the Stars:
Start the car, drive to nearest bar, order a pitcher of Pabst (or whatever’s on special), and immediately start searching for an apartment. You’ll thank me later.
If your wife/gf says, “check Dancing with the Stars, I want to see Kate Gosselin”:
Immediately start yelling “ABORT ABORT ABORT” while attempting to mainline whiskey cokes and also finding the number of a divorce attorney.
Anytime you see The Sports Bank founder Paul M. Banks seated courtside behind one of the benches:
Drink the girliest martini you can find (a Banks staple)
When Kyle Singler stops looking like a 6’9″ version of Gollum from Lord of the Rings:
Stop drinking immediately, YOU’RE HALLUCINATING!
If Butler wins it all and Jim Nantz says something along the lines of, “The Butler did it.”:
Do a seven-person beer bong… by yourself.
When the game is over:
Drink enough absinthe until you forget this tournament actually happened