Tim Tebow is Actually not God or Jesus

tebowcross

By Paul M. Banks

This is how most of the media “cover” Florida QB Tim Tebow

1 First Tim Tebow made heaven & earth 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Tim Tebow was moving over the face of the waters. 3 And Tim Tebow said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4 And Tim Tebow saw that the light was good; and Tim Tebow separated the light from the darkness…And Tim Tebow saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2 And on the seventh day Tim Tebow finished his work which he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had done.tebowcreation

So maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But no college athlete in the history of sports has had the entire press roll over as lapdogs for him.  All Tebow needs to do is exist and everyone acts like hysterical 1960s teenage girls seeing The Beatles in public.

Television, radio, the internet, newspapers etc. have told us that he is Superman, God, Jesus, or simply what happens when someone artificially (or perhaps immaculately) makes a child with from the raw material of Jesus, God and Superman. And it’s impossible not to refer to him in biblical terms because Tebow cites the Lord and God numerous times in just about every interview he does. I don’t have a problem with Tebow being a devoted Christian; to each his or her own. But the pious evangelical Christianity that he, the media, and the PR people at UF flaunt at every opportunity (like his trips abroad to circumsize the penises of the unwashed) is probably why he’s escaped a critical eye from so many college football experts. To criticize Tebow is to literally be deemed blasphemous.

Yes, we know he’s not like every other college kid. In that he skipped the beach, boobies and beer-induced debauchery of spring break to instead help Third World people shed the epitome of sin that is the foreskin. And that’s quite noble that he choose to do that, but we don’t to be told about his “greatness” a million times a week.

In all seriousness:

-The mainstream media made a national story out of the fact that he wasn’t a unanimous all-conference preseason selection. It wasn’t enough that he was all-conference, in order to not provoke a vengeful God, he had to be picked by everybody.

-They took a freaking Tebow postgame quote and made it into a plaque for goodness sake.

-A journalist actually asked him at an SEC media day, “Why are you special?” Seriously, whoever did that needs their credentials forever revoked NOW.

-ESPN’s Chris Fowler said after the LSU game last month, “I know some people out there are having Tim Tebow fatigue…” I got excited that there was finally going to be some balance, but no Fowler reverted to typical Eastern Seaboard Programming Network form, which is literally calling him Superman on air.

-Jim Rome once said on his show “we are all better people for having heard him speak.”

-Former Super Bowl Head Coach Tony Dungy said he thinks Tim Tebow will be a “franchise quarterback in the NFL”, and that anyone who has the chance to draft him #1 overall should do just that. There are plenty of experts saying his skills will not translate to the next level and he will become a NFL star.

We are now all dumber for having heard Dungy say that. It’s a good thing for NFL GMs that none have to deal with Dungy screwing up their organization.

tebow-christ2

I’ll admit that he’s a very good college football player, but it makes me nauseous that I’ve had to spend the past four college football seasons hearing about it. Yes, he wins championships and awards, but he also spends a great deal of time on the field yelling foolishly and acting like a complete moron. Yet people claim he’s such a good leader. Maybe because they could believe he’s yelling “Onward, Christian soldiers!” to his teammates. Because it’s Tebow, this behavior is deemed “fiery” and “energetic.” If it were anyone else, the antics would be cast in a pejorative light.

After this season, Tebow will be nothing more than a glorified Chase Daniel. In the 2010s and 2020s, he could be remembered as the Sarah Palin of college football, a flash-in-the-pan who was essentially much ado about nothing. A lot of fire and brimstone; unsubstantiated.

nude sarah palin

Illinois’ Jon Asamoah Talks Tough About the Season, His NFL Future

Asamoah playing
By Paul Schmidt

The University of Illinois has had a challenging season. Everyone knows about the copious amount of talent on offense, but what might actually surprise some is that the top rated player, by position, by ESPN’s NFL draft guru Mel Kiper isn’t Arrelious Benn – it is offensive guard Jon Asamoah.

Asamoah has been a three year starter for the team, and in fact started his career as a freshman, logging playing time during the 2006 campaign. With that level of experience, and that many games under his belt, Asamoah is viewed as one of the anchors of a strong offensive line.

Thus far this season, the disappointments have far outweighed the successes, and it is starting to wear on everyone, not just the offensive line.

“Offensively we’ve got to get it going consistently,” Asamoah said. “We’ve had those drives where we were moving the ball and moving the ball and moving the ball, and we’ve got to keep that going the whole game.”

Not to beat too much coach-speak into the ground, but it’s the little things that would help turn things around.“Individually, no one is perfect out there. We just have to play at a higher level. The Rose Bowl year, we were just out there playing as hard as we could. We’re still doing that, but just not executing.”

For an offensive line, Juice Williams presents an interesting problem as a quarterback.  He’s very mobile and likes to move around in the pocket, as well as creating his own magic with his feet, which makes things interesting for the lineman assigned to protect him.

“I’m out there and sometimes I get so focused, I’m blocking my guy and I have to say to myself, ‘Wait, where is he going,’” Asamoah said as he chuckled. “Then I think to myself that I really don’t really know what’s happening.”

The same problem doesn’t exist every time Williams drops back to throw, however. When forming the pocket, Asamoah knows that every moment that can be spared for his quarterback gives him a little bit longer to make the correct read.

“The way the game goes, you’ve got to get out there in that pass mode. We scout the D-Lines so much, so we know ASAMOAH,-JON_0393what they are doing,” said Asamoah. “We go out there and fight against that as long as we can to give Juice every second that we can to throw. With all the great players that we have out there, we know they are going to make plays.”

And even though they haven’t always made those plays this season, it is that type of intensity that helps carry a warrior like Asamoah through every down of the game.

“I wish I could block every guy out there, but honestly, it’s not really like that, once you’re really in the game,” Asamoah stated. “I’m focused on my guy, and then I trust that my other four guys out there are going to get the job done.”

That all goes back to one of the most important factors in determining the success of an offensive line: Continuity.  Quite simply, the more an offensive line plays together, the better they will be.Though the Illini have some youngsters on the line, it is Asamoah and other upperclassmen’s leadership that have really held things together for the unit and the entire offense.

“It’s so important, because I feel so comfortable in between (junior Ryan) Palmer and (senior Eric) Block, we talk out there and we only have to say a couple of words to each other and we know what’s going on,” Asamoah said. “The young guys that come in, like Corey Lewis, I feel just as comfortable with them, because he’s learned over his time here. Without that kind of continuity on the O-Line, you’re just not going to be a good group.”

One thing that he and the rest of the Illini have placed emphasis on is staying positive and putting the bad things behind them – And it’s that type of attitude that finally may have paid some dividends this past weekend with their victory over Michigan.

“It’s hard, it’s hard to lose. Things haven’t gone the way that we wanted them to, but there’s a fight tomorrow, and we don’t let a team beat us twice,” Asamoah said. “You just have to refocus,” Asamoah continued. “You look at the film and see there were some really good things from this game or that game, but in order to do this consistently, you have to go out there, play balls-to-the-wall on every play.  We’re capable of it – We just haven’t been doing it.”

All of that leads to the question of Asamoah’s future, a question that was posed to him after one of the team’s many losses this season. To his credit, he wasn’t thinking about anything other than finishing the year as strong as possible.

“You know, who knows what will happen? I could go out tomorrow, slip on something and break my leg. I’m not worried about any of that,” Asamoah said. “All of that will come later. Right now, I’m just doing my job, playing as hard as I can. All of that stuff will come after the season. The feeling I have in my gut right now, this sick feeling…I’m not worried about any of that other stuff right now.”

POLE DANCING POWER RANKINGS

u-s-pole-dancing-championship-1

By Rikki Greenberg

I already have my Sunday television schedule all set. The Bears play the Lions at noon, and right after is the US Pole Dancing Federation East Regional Pole Dance Competition 2009. Oh yes ladies and gentleman. After a thrilling mish-mash of shoulder pads and spandex football pants, I will be moving on to metal poles, hair-whips and spandex short shorts.

The USPDF hosted a similar event in March that was extremely successful and it was only a matter of time before they hosted another one. The East Regional Pole Dance Competition 2009 is the preliminary competition leading up to next year’s national competition. The USPDF joined forces with E-Fit Dance/Shergold Studio and Sunday afternoon’s festivities features 12 contestants who will perform in two rounds. The winner of the competition will receive USPDF pro-status and will be eligible  to compete in the USPDF National Championships 2010.

It’s in my nature as a football fan and proud fantasy mama of one to do the research and figure out how these contestants compare to one another. Take a look at the official Pole Dancing Power Rankings.

(1)   Jessalynn Medairy
Consider her the Peyton Manning of Pole Dancing with a resume equally as impressive.

(2)   Karol Helms, NC
This contestant is packing major heat with an arsenal of extremely flexible and extraordinary tricks.
(3)   Gabrielle Valliere from NY
Valliere is a very strong and sensual competitor and let’s not forget her ties to the sports world with past NFL cheerleading experience.

amber-joisixers2

(4)   Katheryn Bouchillion, FL
Bouchillion is a triple threat (mom, pole dancing studio owner, Aerial Performer) and already has a title to her pole dancing persona. If JessaLynn is Peyton Manning, than Bouchillion is Thomas Jones circa 2005-2008.

(5)   Lauren Goldstein, NY
Although Lauren does impress with her advanced pole dancing skill, it’s the risqué nature and overtly sexual moves that could sway the judges in a negative way.
(6)   Takeila Fox
Fox makes pole dancing look graceful in 5 inch white stiletto heels and keeps it classy without exploiting her sexuality. Fox has the potential to be the sleeper pick for this year’s competition.

(7)   Kyra Johannesen, NY
Johannesen has the advantage of experience over some of the participants, but her relaxed style of pole dancing may put the judges to sleep.

Kyra Jo USPDF Entry 09 from Kyra Johannesen on Vimeo.
(8)   Rhonda Chamberlain, VA
Has 4 years of pole dancing experience and one year as a starter (instructor for The Dirty Bunny). Despite having a limited pole dancing background, Chamberlain could come out heels a blazin’  i.e. Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan.

(9)   Eksupar Tongsri, NY
Practicing optometrist by day and competitive pole dancer by night. I thought I was getting crazy when I took a day job as a receptionist and walked the sidelines of a football field at night.

(10)Allison Cox, FL
Self taught pole dancer turned instructor. Judging by her picture, she seems to be at a rookie level, 2 years at the most since she did spend time studying pole dancing tape. Could be a Mark Sanchez or Brady Quinn circa 2008. Your call.

(11)Tara Leigh Moore, VA
Moore may be tiny (4’11, 90 pounds), but don’t let the small stature fool you. Any woman who can do the splits mid air while using just the legs for support is a superstar in my book.

(12)Erica Shergold/Laci Rose, VA
Some confusion over which name Ms. Shergold goes by, but you have to give her credit for incorporating props and classic seductress theme music to her demo routine.