Bears should bring WR Hank Baskett, Kendra to the Chi

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By Paul M. Banks

Against my will, I became very familiar with the E! channel’s reality series “Kendra” this summer. So  much so that I’ll probably spend the rest of my time on Earth unable to expunge traumatic memories of it’s IRRITATING and factually inaccurate theme song. (The song ends with the phrase “you’re on your own now”- despite the fact that the former Playboy Playmate is knocked up by and engaged to NFL receiver Hank Baskett). kendra-wilkinson-pregnant1

But now that the Philadelphia Eagles have cut Baskett, to make way for Mike Vick (replacing a “reality star” with a dog murderer, stay classy Philadelphia), I’m actually looking forward to watching one future episode of “Kendra” this season. Despite the fact it’s a program that even the lobotomized would find low-brow and stupid. However, the episode where Baskett gets cut should be fun, right?

And what NFL division would be the best home for a reality star? The NFC North of course, since it has more dramatic story lines than a season of MTV Real World. It also houses a team, the Chicago Bears, with a receiving corp that could be considered mediocre- if they resided in the SEC or Big 12.

Devin Hester topped the 90 receiving yards mark again last Sunday night, and he appears to be showing progress at the position. So finally, after 2 1/2 years, Hester has learned Ron Turner’s “Midwest Coast Offense”. (The place where fullback screen passes RULE!) Other than #23, I don’t see any current Bears wide-out as an upgrade over Baskett. Hank’s 1 catch for 6 yards in week one means he’s had a more productive year so far than Juaquin Iglesias or Rashied Davis. Iglesias is TERRIBLE, but no team in the NFL is more loyal to their crappy draft picks than the Bears, so he’ll stay, even though that’s who I would cut first. The Bears could put any of the “Girls Next Door” out there, and they could be more effective than Iglesias.

Davis is a serviceable #4 receiver, but nothing more. Johnny Knox is….well, not really good at getting open and catching passes. He did make a big play last weekend, but look at what he did the rest of the night. Knox had no clue what he was doing most of the time, and often not finishing his routes. And since we’re on that topic, we also have Earl Bennett. I think he could make a decent number three with Baskett as your #2. Despite the Bears receivers being similarly awful last season, Bennett never recorded a catch; which says something. I’ll admit he’s improved and had a decent game last week. But he also has blood on his hands for one, if not two of QB Jay Cutler’s interceptions.  Bennett really must step up his route-running and knowledge of the playbook.

And of course, here’s the kicker. This gift Baskett comes complete with another special present: Kendra Wilkinson, who fills another huge void the Bears have. Since Chicago has no cheerleaders, they’re without any barely dressed women with huge implants to enthusiastically support the team.

Possible NFC North Reality Shows

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By the TSB Staff

Since the NFC North in 2009 seems to be the ultimate reality series in professional sports right now. I asked my staff to  analogize the players and coaches in the division with some of the tv show “characters” currently dotting the reality show landscape.

JAKE MCCORMICK

This is an easy one. Despite my vocal criticisms of VH1 and their mind-numbing switch from “Behind the Music” type programming to mindless trapclap like “Brooke Knows Best” marathons, I must admit I watch a lot of their reality dating shows. I love the creatures that come out of their holes in the ground to proclaim their love for aging rock/rap stars. But the best analogy I can give involves the Vikings, Brett Favre, and Daisy of Love.

Daisy is (obviously) looking for love, but was shunned from her “true love” Bret Michaels in “Rock of Love 2,” and finished second to a mature girl with less baggage and much more potential. She didn’t get along with everyone on the show, and was very shady when talking about her living situations (she lived with her “ex” boyfriend). She was the Brett Favre to Bret Michaels (or Ted Thompson’s) Aaron Rodgers (Winner Ambre Lake).

Fast forward to the fourth episode of “Daisy of Love.” She has really taken a liking to a guy named London, who is a flashy rock star-type, but is also a big flake and whines for no apparent reason other than he isn’t getting his way. As a result, he leaves before elimination, leaving Daisy bawling in her room and unable to give out her Rock Star chains. This obviously upsets the house, since none of the other guys liked London because he was a cocky but waffling douche to her. As the show goes on, we get hints that Daisy is still hurt by London’s premature departure, and her chemistry isn’t as strong with the other guys. So, with four guys remaining in the competition, Daisy’s sidekick Riki reaches out to London and persuades him to come back and resolve the issues between him and Daisy.

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Obviously the rest of the guys hate his guts, and he knows it all too well. But he gradually makes it to the finale episode, and when faced with a decision between Flex, a guy that is much better for her and different than her usual drama-loving boyfriends, and London, who is like every other immature guy she has dated, Daisy says the following: “I need Flex, but I want London.” Thus, she chooses the guy everyone loved to hate, and they all learn to live with it even though everyone involved with the show (including Riki) thinks she made a mistake. I’ll leave you to fill in who is who between the Vikings organization, Favre, and the players. This analogy makes too much sense to me.
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SOXMAN

Cheaters staring Brett Favre.

When Green Packer Packer fans suspect their long-time boyfriend is cheating on them with another team, our cameras are there when the confrontation takes place.  Will Brett score with another team?  Don’t miss another great season on the NFC.

Flavor of Lovie.

Lovie Smith is in search of a wide receiver for his bachelor quarterback.  Will Lovie’s idea of ball romance agree with Jay’s desire to command an offense?  The balls will fly and players will run all season long in the most offensive show to come out of Chicago in years.

Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood.

Starring Aaron Rogers who teaches people it’s ok to be second despite the speedy deliveries of passes to Greg Jennings.  In the end, you will go to the land of make believe to see what life would have been like if Brett Favre was never born.

The Girls Next Door.

Starring the Detroit Lions offensive line.  Only Mathew Stafford will not be pillow fighting cuties.  He’ll be participating in the “Amazing Race,” trying to escape linemen out for his head.cedricbensonjersye

PAUL M. BANKS

“Elimidate” starring Brian Urlacher

He’s a man known to reap the “strange” out there in the Chicago nightlife; on a level even more intense than Kyle Farnsworth or Mark Grace. Everyone has an Urlacher story. Some even have a paternity suit.

“The Shark Tank” starring Matthew Stafford

ABC’s Sunday night series is probably the only reality series I actually like these days, but this show isn’t about aspiring entrepreneurs pitching panels of venture capitalists, it’s Stafford being put into open water surrounded by blood and chum (his 0-16 Lions teammates) as the sharks, opposing defenses circle around.

“Blind Date” starring Brett Favre

I always loved the little drawings, graphics and thought bubbles that comprise each episode of this series. My dream job is to be the person who gets to write the funny observations and insults of those who participate on this game show. Actually my dream job is any job where I get to rip on people. But what if John Madden who has the biggest man-crush in the history on man-crushes on Favre, also came out of retirement just to cover a few games featuring the man who complete him? He’d no doubt manipulate the telecast to draw hearts and write amorous sayings all over the screen, and somehow the show ends with Madden and Favre in a hot tub…ugh….