Casting the New York Jets in MTV’s Jersey Shore

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michelle ryan rex ryanjersey shore

The 2010 New York Jets (who play their home games in New Jersey) literally began their NFL season on a reality show; with all their internal drama readily available for viewing pleasure. On HBO’s Training Camp: Hard Knocks, plenty of semi-scripted, Hawthorne Effect induced storylines ensued. As the season went on, more debauchery went down.

Today’s reality television landscape (if there is such a thing as “reality” tv anymore) is dominated by a show “documenting” the trashy lifestyle of 8 guidos and guidettes spending an alcohol fueled summer together in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. And there’s more than a few similarities between the Garden State’s two most popular and trashiest, out-of-control frat houses.

Let’s examine them. “CAN’T WAIT” as Jets LB Bart Scott would say.

Note this is being re-run from last winter. We’ll have to re-cast and find a new spot for Plaxico; and get rid of Braylon

jersey shore

Rex Ryan as Jenni “JWoww” Farley

Both of these large bosomed individuals are known for their incessant cursing and “interesting” sexual proclivities. You’ve heard all about Ryan’s foot fetish, and J Woww was quoted on camera: “I’m like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.”

That’s more an expression of attention-whoring idiocy than actual practice of course; and we really haven’t ever seen her hook-up on the show, so we don’t really know what truly fully inflates her fake funbags.

jwoww

Braylon Edwards as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Weird to compare one of the most svelte and athletic Jets to a squished, bowling ball shaped person? No, because their kindred spirits in alcoholism, alcohol fueled legal infractions and not really being punished for their actions. Edwards got a DWI in September, (not a DUI but a DWI) yet was suspended for what, a quarter of one game? Snooki got wasted in the middle of the day, and was arrested for disorderly conduct on the beach. Yet she’s a role model.

Snooks, like Edwards, is as dumb as a box of rocks but she’s hailed as a contemporary pop culture icon. She’s inspired a legion of followers and acolytes among the semi-retarded, but never truly accomplished anything. Rutgers University even had her as a guest speaker! Edwards is very well paid ($5 million per) despite not coming remotely close to living up to his potential as the 3rd overall pick in the 2005 NFL Draft. He’s had one phenomenal season, and three more decent years, but still been invisible for about half his NFL career.

Antonio Cromartie as Vinny Guadagninosnooks

You knew Cromartie, with his gaggle of illegitimate children, would be analogized against one of the most sexually promiscuous characters. Vinny isn’t the biggest slut on the show, but that’s only because all of them pretty much have one purpose in life- getting wasted and hooking up as much as possible. Still Cromartie, the NFL’s answer to Shawn Kemp, has his own “kitchen ditching” going, as he once claimed to not know the names of some of his children. Given both their cult hero status….and you wonder why so many people hate America?

Mark Sanchez as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

The man of the house, running things like a mayor. Ultimately, many of their plans fizzle in the end, despite some initial success. However, someone needs to lead this rabble, and they both appear to be the most qualified to lead.

LaDanian Tomlinson as Sammi the Sweetheart Giancola

They never shut up and incessantly whine about what they think their worlds should be, and how important they regard themselves to be within that world. I really have nothing else to say about these two equally annoying non-winners.

Bart Scott as Ronnie Ortiz-Magro

Both are known first and foremost for being tough and mean, and talking trash about their ability to be a bad ass. Loud and obnoxious in their smack talk, each had a catch-phrase summing up their character. “CAN’T WAIT” vs. “one shot, kid!”

Mark Brunell as Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio

Both of these guys seem “normal” compared to the batsh** insanity they’re constantly surrounded by. Therefore, you sometimes forget they’re around. However, they’re synced up because both are (if I may channel Danny Glover) “way too old for this sh**.”

John Conner As Deena Nicole Cortese

We don’t know that much about these stocky, low center-of-gravity characters because they aren’t major players on the show so far.

Much gratitude to Chris “C-Murder” Hellinga and Kevin “K-Dawg”Diblasi, who served as external consultants and research assistants to make this article possible.

Paul M. Banks is CEO of The Sports Bank.net. He doesn’t have a real nickname, but he is also a regular contributor to the Tribune’s Chicago Now network, Walter Football.com, Yardbarker Network, and Fox Sports.com

He does a weekly radio segment on Chicagoland Sports Radio.com and Cleveland.com

You can follow him on Twitter @Paul_M_BanksTSB

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Comments

  1. I may have assisted, but do NOT approve the Braylon bashing…MICHIGAN MAN!!!

  2. paulmbanks says

    agreed. overpaid. underachieving, not living up to the hype. recklessly endangering lives with his stupidity- MICHIGAN MAN!

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