By Jake McCormick
This team has a lineup in which nearly every player is a threat for a long ball and plays in a hitter friendly park. They boast a veteran pitching staff that is led by a nearly unhittable left handed pitcher. Their bullpen is solid, except for the closer, who is as close to an October guarantee as anyone can get.
Given that last sentence can easily be interpreted in a positive or negative fashion, is the entire paragraph describing the Philadelphia Phillies or New York Yankees, or is it both? With the defending World Series champions butting heads this year with the best team money can buy, the answer is pretty obvious. Both the Phillies and the Yankees are truly the best of their leagues. The World Series is meant to showcase the best AL team against the strongest NL team; Alien vs. Predator, Freddy vs. Jason (minus the blood, decapitation, and terrible plots/endings.) The 2009 World Series promises to be everything those movies wished to be. Since you’ve probably heard every storyline, statistic and matchup because they were analyzed nearly a split second after the Yankees clinched, I’m going to go about this prediction stuff in a little offbeat way by predicting the highlights and lowlights of each game (I’m picking the Yankees in six, by the way). My formula is a freight train for success, as MLB 2k9 has never steered me wrong in score or statistics when I play out a series. And don’t worry about inaccuracies; the rosters are automatically updated every month.
To give you an idea of how big this series could potentially be, prostitution could potentially be the only way you can net tickets to any of these games. Unspeakable acts for upper deck seats? You betcha!
Wednesday, October 28
Game 1: C.C. Sabathia vs. Cliff Lee
Sabathia and Lee do their best Clash of the Titans imitation through eight innings as every baseball fan in Cleveland ingests 14,999 lbs of marijuana in a 15 minute span (15,000 lbs in that time span would result in an overdose) in an attempt to forget that both former Cy Young winners were ever wearing Indian colors, the Browns are perennially going nowhere, and LeBron could be leaving next year. Meanwhile, in sports relevancy, the Yankees take the pivotal first game when Phillie closer Brad Lidge, despite spitting, vomiting and defecating on the ball, throws an amazingly straight slider to Melky Cabrera that is blasted out of the park for a 4-3 Yankee win.
Thursday, October 29
Game 2: A.J. Burnett vs. Pedro Martinez
Burnett and Martinez are both chased after five innings when Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Howard hit a combined six home runs in the first five innings. After A-Rod puts the Yankees up 8-7 in fifth, he celebrates by jumping up on the Yankee dugout and mimicking the Mia Hamm/Michael Jordan “Anything you can do I can do better” Gatorade commercial while staring down Howard. Yankee fans are unable to cheer for the team’s 15-10 win because of their two hour “Who’s your daddy?” chant during ever Martinez pitch.
Saturday, October 31
Game 3 Andy Pettitte vs. Cole Hamels
Hamels bests the playoff-grizzled Pettitte, despite Pettitte picking off a record six Phillies in a row after walking each of them. Hamels goes seven innings and gives up three runs, but the Phillie offense flexes its muscles by recording six hits, five of which are home runs. After Charlie Manuel mutters something unintelligible about lefty JA Happ taking over as the primary closer if left handed hitters are due up in the ninth, Happ plays Jesus with a 1-2-3 save in the 6-4 win. The Yankees still lead the series 2-1.
Sunday, November 1
Game 4: Sabathia vs. Lee
The left handed Wolverine vs. Sabertooth battle returns in Philadelphia. Boosted by a traditional Philadelphia crowd armed with the same batteries they brought to the NLDS game Sabathia pitched in 2008 as a Milwaukee Brewer, Lee comes through with a complete game. Sabathia gets a shot of déjà vu against Shane Victorino in the sixth inning as he cranks a three run home run. Jayson Werth continues to look like everything Corey Hart should be by hitting a triple, home run, and stealing two bases.
Monday, November 2
Game 5: Burnett vs. Martinez
With the series tied 2-2, both Burnett and Martinez go six innings and give up two runs. Joba Chamberlain pitched the seventh and eighth innings, but is forced to leave the game after swallowing a Guinness World Record 5,265 Tse flies in one breath after going the entire eighth inning looking like the priest from Amityville Horror. Manuel doesn’t get out to the mound fast enough to take Lidge out, so Lidge once again does his best Brad Lidge/Byung Hyung-Kim/Ralph Branca impression by giving up a ninth inning jack to Hideki Matsui. Matsui credits his power and motivation to his massive Asian porn collection and gives the game ball to his favorite star, Katsumi.
Wednesday, November 4
Game 6: Pettitte vs. Hamels
In the top of the seventh with two outs, a runner on third and the Yankees up 5-4, Shane Victorino walks and begins to insult Pettitte by saying, “Pitcher’s got a big butt!” despite the fact that Pettitte’s butt is facing third base. Pettitte responds by stepping off the mound and calling the infield over. He discretely hands the ball to Mark Teixiera and begins walking around the mound daring and double dog daring Victorino to get a bigger lead. Victorino calls his bluff, and is picked off first in a hilarious situation only seen in the movies. Facing a similar situation in the ninth, closer Mariano Rivera realizes he doesn’t have his cutter working anymore. He looks, in slow motion, over to his mother in the stands, who motions for an underhand softball throw. Rivera takes a deep breath, and lobs the ball three times in successively slower motion to slugger Ryan Howard, who comically whiffs at each of them. The game ends and John Candy, who rises from the dead to broadcast this game, proclaims “Yankees win! Yankees win! Yankees win!”