Technically a home game for the Northwestern Wildcats at Wrigley Field today, fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes outnumbered the people in purple perhaps 10-1, or even 15, or maybe 20-1 today. And honestly, the attendance is really the only place that we’ll see large numbers, of any sort, in this Friendly Confines college football game.
In the box score, all the numbers are tiny. Hey, it’s why Iowa Hawkeyes have t-shirts that say “Punting is Life” or “Live. Laugh. Punt.”
If you’re a college football based comedian, what do you actually do with this?
Jokes, in every genre, are about taking reality and then making it absurd.
But this is beyond parody thus far.
cc @Black41Reverse
…#Hawkeyes #Northwestern pic.twitter.com/FBjYi3Qk9X— Paul M. Banks (@PaulMBanks) November 4, 2023
So we have a nil-nil draw, sorry, a goalless draw, no, wait, my apologies again, it’s a 0-0 game at halftime. You could call this battle at 1060 W. Addison “a pitcher’s duel” to say the least.
Perhaps things will open up after halftime? Or perhaps not. We knew this game, that had a historically low over/under of 31, had a high probability of ending up with a baseball style score.
Live.
Laugh.
Punt.
…
cc @JustTMill @SickosCommittee @mattlindner @Frustrated_Fan @HawleySports pic.twitter.com/wK1RVRUxqw— Paul M. Banks (@PaulMBanks) November 4, 2023
Watching this game reminds me of Radioactive Man on The Simpsons, when the eye-burning acid was headed towards him: “the goggles- they do nothing!”
So let’s use the halftime break to analogize these halftime stats with the 2023 Chicago Cubs final stats.
25 yards passing by Iowa Hawkeyes QB Deacon Hill, matches the:
number of doubles by Cubs shortstop Dansby Swanson
one of the home runs hit by Cody Bellinger, Christopher Morel
15 passing yards by Northwestern quarterback Brendan Sullivan, which almost equals the:
number of games won by Cubs ace Justin Steele, who went 16-5 this past season.
Northwestern’s leading rusher Cam Porter has 23 yards on the ground matching:
the number of home runs hit by Cubs 3B Patrick Wisdom
Total Offense for both teams, 110 yards combined, comes close to…
the number of strikeouts by Marcus Stroman (119), just ahead of Javier Assad’s innings pitched on the season (109.1)
81 total yards for the Iowa Hawkeyes
four ahead of Ian Happ’s Runs batted in total on the season. Happ led the Cubs in RBIs. It is also one RBI ahead of Swanson, who led finished second on the team in this department.
29 yards of offense for the Wildcats is equal to…
the number of doubles Bellinger had on the season, the number of starts Jameson Taillon made on the season, and one more than the number of runs scored by Trey Mancini.
Paul M. Banks is the owner/manager of The Sports Bank. He’s also the author of “Transatlantic Passage: How the English Premier League Redefined Soccer in America,” and “No, I Can’t Get You Free Tickets: Lessons Learned From a Life in the Sports Media Industry.”
He’s written for numerous publications, including the New York Daily News, Sports Illustrated and the Chicago Tribune. He regularly appears on NTD News and WGN News Now. Follow the website on Twitter and Instagram