The Father, The Son, Aramis Ramirez, Amen.



By Paul Schmidt

The moment that the Cubs and their fans have waited for is finally here. The second coming of Jesus Christ himself, Aramis Ramirez, has returned to the Cubs lineup. Now they will start hitting!
He’ll fix the budget crisis too!  And heal all the election tension in Iran!  I also heard he knows where Osama bin Laden is hiding and is, on his next off day, leading a team of Special Forces soldiers to bring him to justice!

I love Aramis, and I think that he is probably the most underrated superstar in the National League – At least, outside the city of Chicago.  For those on the North Side, at least during his injury, you would think that he is Babe Ruth, Ichiro and Brooks Robinson all rolled into one.


They won their first game back with Rami, but he went 0-for-4.  His mere presence in the lineup must have frightened my favorite Dutch pitcher, Jair Jurrjens, right?

I can’t stand idly by and listen any longer about how, with Ramirez back in the lineup, suddenly the Cubs will hit again.

For the first time since early 2007, the Cubs posting a losing record for a calendar month of the season by going 12-16.  They managed to do this while posting the best ERA for starting pitching in all of baseball.  Think about that for a moment.

Their starters, in June, were the best in all of baseball.  And yet, they lost 4 more games than they won.

Obviously, the offense is a big problem.

Injuries, however, were not the biggest issue.

We have two main cogs in the lineup – Geovany Soto and Alfonso Soriano – who are apparently statistically punting the 2009 season.  We have a second baseman in Mike Fontenot who should either be a platoon player or a sub off the bench – and is playing like it by only hitting .220.  We have a right fielder in Milton Bradley who has been on a pretty big offensive tear as of late – to bring his average all the way into the .240s.

Setting aside Fontenot (who, honestly has no business starting), if Soto, Soriano and Bradley were all putting up the seasons they had last year, prorated, as of right now, you’d be looking at a first place ball club.  And yes, I mean that, even with Aramis Ramirez, he who stands in the white robes and blesses us all, on the disabled list.

For anyone who thinks you can’t lose your best player and still win games, well, all you need to do is look at the team that eliminated us in the playoffs last year, the Los Angeles Dodgers.  They’ve been missing some Manny guy for the last 50 games.  While he was suspended, the Dodgers went 29-21, good for a .580 winning percentage.  Now, granted, that was far less than the nearly .700 clip they were winning at prior to his suspension, but it does prove that a team doesn’t need to fold up shop when their best player disappears from the lineup card.

In earlier times, Ramirez tamed Falcor and saved the Princess from The Nothing.

In earlier times, Ramirez tamed Falcor and saved the Princess from The Nothing.

Which is, essentially, what happened with the Cubs. They just let the snowball start rolling down the hill, gathering speed and momentum, and once it had they couldn’t stop the slump – or the excuses.

Now, with Rami the Great and Benevolent back, the excuses have all run out.

It’s time to prove to your fans and the city what you’re made of, gentlemen. Because if you aren’t good enough, come this winter, we’ll be looking for real answers.

And, just so we’re clear, ‘Aramis Ramirez was hurt’ won’t be good enough.


  1. El Tappe says

    1. Will Aramis Ramirez help get my clothes spring time fresh???
    2. Brooks Robinson was a ball boy for me at a fantasy camp i umpired at. A class act.
    3. Milton Bradley will kill you in the end.
    4. The Cubs should trade for Pujols or Greinke or Federer or somebody good.

  2. Paul Schmidt says

    1. He will, in fact!
    2. Ball man? Because if he was a boy, that means you’ve aged really well…
    3. Literally or figuratively?
    4. I think Federer in left field would unfortunately be an improvement…

  3. Paul Schmidt says

    Shaymus — I think that it’s gonna be Bradley. Though my comment about it in the story was tongue in cheek, he is turning things around some and is really doing a nice job getting on base (even though he is only hitting in the 240s, his on base percentage is .377, as he has 37 walks this season, only 11 less than the amount of hits he has).

    With the amount of walks he is drawing, he’s bound to start seeing better pitches and should see that average come up. Fuk could come up some for the same reason.

  4. Shaymus McLaughlin says

    The Cubs’ outfield needs to start hitting for the offense to turn it around.

    Fukudome – .263
    Bradley – .245
    Soriano – .226

    That’s awful. Before the Cubs turn it around, at least one of those guys needs to start hitting. Then the Cubs will have Lee, one OF, Ramirez, and Theriot hitting well. Not to mention, their backup 3B Fox who has a .310 average.

    But yes, I would agree. The Cubs need a lot more than Mr. Ramirez right now.

  5. paulmbanks says

    There was something in last week about how once a ballplayer goes from age 32 to age 33, they’re stats drop off dramatically! its held up across all eras and it applies to numerous stars and superstars. guess how old Soriano turns this year…so I don’t think he’ll be what he once was anytime soon.

    and Bradley should still be Bradley, he should start hitting very soon, and likley finish in the .280s. So I would agree that Chutes and Ladders is the one to count on. certainly not Fuk-u-do-me

  6. paulmbanks says

    And despite all the Cubbie whining and chicken littles out there. I’m pretty sure they’ll win the division. and then comes the thing cub fans dread the most- the playoffs

  7. Melissa W. says

    Hmm…winning the division. Is that yet another tongue-in-cheek comment, Schmidty? Despite my friendly fire with you, nicely written. I laughed and enjoyed it all. Best wishes on an Aramis return. Do you notice how many religious and Jesus references we’ve used in the last 3 months on this website? I’m guilty of it too…

  8. Paul Schmidt says

    I do think that the Cubs are still the best team in the division…but you’ll note that I didn’t say anything about winning the division in the comment before — that was the other Paul. Though I do tend to agree with him.

    I told Paul I was going blasphemous with this post, I don’t think he realized EXACTLY what I meant when I said that.

    And Paul, another thing that decreases your performance is to stop taking PED’s — I mean, whoops…uhhh…

  9. paulmbanks says

    Yeah, i kind of starting the (insert athlete here) coming back to play is like the return of Jesus H. Christ with the whole Jay Cutler signing….then we have Purple Jesus in Adrian Peterson, Baby Jesus in Joe Mauer…we could make a whole article about comparing athletes to Jesus. Would have been good for around Easter

  10. David K. says

    can we give D-Lee some love… dude is raking

  11. Paul Schmidt says

    Yes we can! More coming on that.

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