Tice better be prepared for Jared Allen and company

Jared Allen should be keeping Bears offensive line coach Mike Tice awake at night.

The 6’6″ 270 pound end Allen already has 4 sacks and 26 tackles, and is a sizeable mismatch for Frank Omiyale to guard on Sunday when the Bears play at home.

At times Omiyale has looked more “LOST” trying to figure out what end or blitzing linebacker to pick up for a block than the entire fanbase of the popular ABC television show after the season finale.

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The Sports Bank Fantasy Draft: TV Characters

As the first website to feature a mock draft for all four professional sports, it’s safe to say we are the mock draft experts. Now we’re taking that expertise outside the box, or off the field if you will to bring you a new weekly segment called The Sports Bank Fantasy Draft. The premise is simple, we settle on a category and then have a fantasy draft of items/people within that category.

For our first draft, we’re taking on television characters. Joining me in the inaugural draft are Mr. Banks (PMB) and David Kay (DK). Our guidelines were pretty basic: the character’s show had to have aired within the last year, each roster needed to have at least one Lead Character, one Supporting Character and one Eye Candy and we were simply drafting based on awesomeness.

Then we compared that character to their sports world equivalent using David Kay’s patented “Think” method (see: NBA Mock Draft). We also omitted characters from shows that air on premium channels (i.e. HBO) because that could be it’s own draft down the line. Mr. Banks drew the first pick, his clock begins after the jump.

By Peter Christian

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The Lost Series Finale: One Sportswriting Fans’ Thoughts

“Remember. Let go. Move on. I will miss it more than I can ever say.”
–Damon Lindelof on his Twitter feed at shortly after midnight Pacific Time, his last tweet and communication on Lost ever. [Read more…]

Northwestern Wildcats Blow Out Michigan HarriSims at home

By Paul M. Banks

If I always refer to the one man team that is the Penn St. Nittany Lions as the “Penn State Talor Battles” than I must also (to stay true to the bit I stole from whoever the first scribe was to call the Cleveland Cavaliers the “Cleveland LeBrons”) refer to the two man team that is the Michigan Wolverines as the “Michigan HarriSims”. In reference to DeShawn Sims and Manny Harris.

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TSB Summer Summit 2009 Recap: Double Take

By Melissa S. Wollering

See Part One For: Peter & David K. Reunion, Banks ‘State of the Summit’, Townie Bar Icebreaker, Potato Salad.  New: LOST, NL/AL Central Draft Recap, 2009 Ozzie Guillen Cornhole Tournament, TSB ‘That Guy’ Hat Trick Award, Summit By the Numbers, Black Market Liver w/Transplant



Some had seen it two or three times; others became immersed in it for their first.  However, Saturday morning over breakfast, the TSB gang gathered ‘round the television’ to watch the season finale of LOST like a 1960’s family holding hands, watching the friggin’ Lawrence Welk Show.

ABC definitely underestimated the commentary coming from this a group of sportswriters. So vivid was the discussion, that Daniel Flaherty’s death recap resembled the day Ronald Reagan’s body lie in repose in the Reagan Library. Jacob grew to become the most iconic figure NOT present at the Summit in physical form.  And last, but not least, Peter Christian’s famous soliloquy regarding Sun will forever be immortalized in David Palmer’s fantasy team name, Get F***** Sun.

NL/AL Central Draft Recap

That brings us to the surprise highlight of the weekend: the impromptu NL/AL Central 25-man-roster fantasy baseball draft held on Saturday afternoon.

With Bloody Mary’s in-hand and a 30-second on-the-clock selection limit, everyone reached down the depth charts to create the perfect fantasy roster complete with minor-league prospects. If you failed to make your selection within 30 seconds, you automatically received Nick Punto.  We’re proud to tell you there was 100% compliance with the time limit. Other fantastic team names include ‘Little White Balls’, ‘The Muffin Identification Squad’ and ‘***** *****’s Fat Black Sheep T****’s.  We can’t disclose everything that occurred at the Summit…

2009 Ozzie Guillen Cornhole Tournament

Ozzie would have shaken his head and started wildly gesturing signals to the pitcher if he knew Schmidt & Banks, Melissa & Palmer and Peter Christian & David K were being paired together for his first cornhole tourney. Old school Andre Agassi & Steffi Graf were played by Palmer & Melissa. Andre’s long hair was held back by a single sweatband as Steffi plotted the stabbing of Monica Seles.

‘Euro’style Peter and David K. donned zip-up sports jackets in bright colors, tight-ankle jeans (not really) and cigarettes. Guweinnen means ‘win’ in German.  Ja, ja.

After several rounds, the championship game matched ‘Euro’style against New School Agassi/Graf, with a bare-headed Agassi and pregnant Graf. Peter & David K. went on to win the 2009 Ozzie Guillen Cornhole Tournament with class and style, despite blustery conditions.

“There was a wicked wind coming from the East and it really affected our play,” says Agassi.  “Steffi and I are going to train in a wind tunnel during the off-season to prepare for the next Tournament.  We’re thinking we’ve got a fair shot after some intense bean-bag technique sessions and endurance drills.”

“We were awarded this shiny, gold trophy with words engraved on it,” says Peter.  “Go on David, touch it.  We won this.” The TSB group unanimously voted to leave the winners alone so they could celebrate.

TSB ‘That Guy’ Hat Trick Award

After a stellar game of Texas Hold’em, ballots for the first TSB ‘That Guy’ Award were tallied.  The Hat Trick award represents the man who epitomizes intelligence, hilariousness and sports-nerdiness.  A second vote was taken after Paul Schmidt and David Palmer (Or was it Jacob and Sun?) were tied for votes.  In the end, Paul Schmidt was awarded the ‘That Guy’ Award, complete with trophy.

“I am honored,” says Schmidt.  “But I also feel like I deserve it.  I mean, seriously, I drafted some of the best players to my fantasy team this weekend, I helped people pronounce Asdrubal Cabrera’s name and I argued the heck out of Peter and David K. in support of JaJuan. I also told Melissa that ‘they don’t make them like her’ in Milwaukee and that she should always wear a tennis skirt while cleaning the grill. If that’s not brown-nosing, I don’t know what is. I mean, what more do you want?”

Summit ‘By the Numbers’

Last, but certainly not least, the TSB Summit offered participants a vast array of beverages including domestic and local craft brews, wine, champagne and the finest vodka and whisky assortment of any middle to lower-tier shelf. To better gauge future consumption and compare statistics for future Summits, we offer this.

4 Cornhole Games Played
4 Beer Pong Games Played
36 Plastic Cups Recycled
106 Cans/Bottles Beer Consumed
105 Cans/Bottles Beer Recycled
1 Can Used for Cigarette Butts
12 Burgers, 7 Hot Dogs and 12 Brats Consumed
4 Pounds of Potato Salad Gone
24-16 oz. Bottles of Water Used to Rehydrate

Black Market Liver w/Transplant

Bottom line, scientists from around the world are collaborating in anticipation of the next TSB Summit.  They are teaming up to orchestrate what will be a close study of the inner-workings of one of our favorite and most important organs: the liver.

‘The Liver Capacity Test’ is designed to track the function and processing speed of the liver. It begins at a reasonable time on a Friday evening, approximately 1-2 hours after the subject has had his/her first beverage.  It tracks the function and processing speed of the organ over the course of the next 48 hours. 

Peter Christian was the first test subject in this experimental/initial stage of clinical trials.  He reported mild-to-moderate intoxication Friday evening, severe intoxication early Saturday until potato salad consumption, mild intoxication Saturday during the day and increasing drunken severity during the wee hours of the morning Sunday.  On Sunday, he reported what (in lamens’ terms) is coined a mild ‘hangover’, with symptoms lasting for another 18-24 hours.

“I was ill to begin with and started the weekend off with some cold symptoms, some coughing,” says Peter. “By Monday morning, I believe my body began to reject the DayQuil I had been taking without my minimum accompaniment of three drinks.  Is that bad?”

Hours later, Peter had googled ‘black market liver’, to which he found a surprising number of results.

“Can they include a manual for do-it-yourself liver transplant surgery along with the organ on ice?” asked Peter.


Final Remarks

We could not have wished for a better, more productive Summit such as this one.  We worked hard, we drank harder and the memories made will last a lifetime.  Or until the next Summit, which will indefinitely come first.

The 2009 TSB Winter Summit is tentatively scheduled for fall or early November, before the winter weather makes Wisconsin roads terrible and before collegiate and professional sports go ape sh** for their respective seasons.

We’ll see you there!  Until then, Get F***ed Sun!

Marquette-UConn Exchange

By: Quentin and David K.

TSB.net’s Quentin and David K. share their thoughts as they watch Marquette’s biggest game of the season, and a true test to see just how competitive MU can be come March Madness.

(Q) One minute in and we just heard that Buzz and Tom Crean “played phone tag all day.” Sounds about right for Indiana.

(DK) I think I just vomited a little bit in my mouth.  Do you think Buzz sends Crean fire extinguishers once a week just in case he decides to light himself on fire?

(Q) Just wondering: where does UCONN get their offense from?

(DK) We can’t let A.J. Price go off.  UConn is at their best when he is feeling it.

(Q) Isn’t the Marquette-gets-87%-of-its-offense-from-its-starters a bit overdone? How many teams have 4 guys who can put up 25+ on a given night?

(DK) What?  We don’t have a bench?  Really?

(Q) 30 seconds after we were told Stanley Robinson can’t shoot, Jimmy Butler fouls him on a jump shot pump-fake from beyond the free-throw line. Fantastic.

(DK) I am going to try and avoid making any jokes about Jim Calhoun’s press conference meltdown this past weekend.

(Q) 17:00 (left) – Marquette seems to be playing kind of dumb so far. Burke took a 12-footer which missed badly, the aforementioned Butler foul, giving up an easy alley-oop. I think it’s safe to say we’re a little too fired up right now.

(DK) Dwight Burke should never shoot the ball unless it is a dunk or free throw.

(Q) 14:36 – Dickie V just said “trifector.” Totally unrelated, but great moment on the BS Report today when the Sports Guy mentioned personalities on a certain network that have grown to be parodies of their former selves.

(Q) 12:38 – Props to Dan Shulman for being the first announcer I’ve heard that recognized that though Dominic’s scoring has dropped, he is a far better player now than he’s ever been.

(DK) Speaking of Dom, why has he been on the bench for the last four minutes?

(Q) 11:30 – Butler gets fouled again. Some good minutes from him thus far.  Just caught myself watching a commercial and remembered this is actually DVRd and I’m behind the live broadcast. YES!  Thabeet is back in for UCONN, could be some big minutes coming up.

(DK) Don’t even get me started about my affection for DVR.

(Q) 10:01 –The “Buzz sent tons of letters to coaches” story makes an appearance!

(Q) 9:14 – ESPN stops my heart with news that Dominic is out for the game. I wondered why Acker was getting so many minutes. I’m already rationalizing: yes, it’s a huge loss but it’s not the end of the world. Acker is a good backup and this gives more freedom to Jerel and Wesley. Defensively, it’s a big loss, of course. I’ve almost convinced myself that I feel better.

(DK) Yeah, I’m not all that concerned.  He’s our fourth most important player.

(DK) Lazar just hit a three to put MU up 26-22 to which TSB.net frequent commenter Jason Moe, who am I watching the game with says, “Flame on with your Junior High Name.”

(Q) 8:41 – Wesley dunks to put MU up 6, 28-22. Dickie V gives us the old “that was a good TO!” line. Of course, neither Crean nor Buzz ever calls those types of timeouts, especially on the road. Not sure what that means, just an observation.

(DK) Huge that Thabeet has pretty much been a non-factor thus far.

(Q) 8:27 – Stanley Robinson hits a three.  I thought he couldn’t shoot?

(Q) 7:24 – Thabeet with his third straight possession with a block as there’s contact between he and Wesley.  Seemed like something should’ve been called there.

(DK) Totally a foul.  And my apologies for jinxing us by saying Thabeet has been a non-factor.  They just showed Dickie V signing autographs at Marquette’s Golden Eagle Shop to which Moe responded, “Tell him to hook us up with some Hooters.”  I love Moe.  Speaking of Dickie V, he just said after a Thabeet dunk, “There’s no defense to stop that slam jam bam.”  More vomiting in my mouth.

(Q) 5:53 – I simply cannot judge offensive fouls anymore. I’m so used to them being overcalled that I’m not sure what exactly constitutes a valid one anymore. Lazar took one on Robinson that seemed ok.

(Q) 4:20 – It sounds like this mini-controversy with Jim Calhoun centers around the idea that he should give back some of his salary b/c the state of Connecticut is broke and had to fire some people. Is he paid by the state? I can’t imagine he is so why is this an issue? Just seems like some hack political activist trying to get noticed. Of course, Dick and Dan back Calhoun up b/c he and his wife donate a lot of money, as if that has anything to do with anything.

(Q) 3:52 – UCONN is up 10 and have all the momentum right now.

(DK) A 16-0 run will do that.  Did Calhoun give some of that $12 million that UConn’s program brings in to the refs because they are getting every call.  Not bad that the first Calhoun joke came 16 minutes into the game.

(Q) :47 – A 40-year old man just came off the bench for UCONN and hit a three! Thabeet looks 14, Stanley Robinson looks 30 and whoever this guy is has to be older than everyone on the bench except Calhoun. You win 800 games, you learn how to do it with kids of all ages I suppose.

(DK) I have watched A LOT of UConn this year and never seen this 40-year old Harrelson character play a single minute.

(Q) Down 43-37 at the half.  Overall, an up and down first half for Marquette in which they started slow, came on strong, then faded a bit. This one’s got all the …

(DK) Yeah, I feel like we should be down a lot more than six.  I’ll finish what you started… this is shaping up to be a great finish.


(Q) Oh my. Price just crossed-over Jerel and gave him the “I’m disgusted with you” look before hitting the jumper. I am willing to admit that I love when guys do that

(DK) ESPN just announced Dom has a broken fifth metatarsal and it out for the game.  Ok, now I’m concerned…How long will he be out? Until the Big East Tournament? For the Year? Not good.

(Q) – After hearing that news, my eyes look as glossed over and bloodshot as Dominic’s right now. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one in the locker room crying as MU starts the second half looking totally disinterested. This might get ugly.

(Q) Looks like we got past that bit of lethargy and are back in the game at the first timeout of the second half. We needed those few buckets badly.

(DK) 15:58 Price just bombed his sixth three of the game.  We might want to think about guarding him.

(DK) 12:07 ‘Rel is starting to get that swag.  Wesley hits two free throws and MU is up one.  By the way, Moe just found a toy that makes a noise you would expect to hear at an arena after a made free throw and hits it anytime MU sinks one from the charity stripe.  You should all be jealous Moe is my friend.

(DK) 10:54 Tied at 65… This is turning into a Jerel vs. A.J. showdown.

(Q) Jerel seems to have accepted the challenge of being a leader with DJ out and is doing everything he can to fire up his ‘mates. For the 1,249th time this season: I freaking love this team.

(DK) 9:05 Thabeet and one… They are killing us on the boards.  No real surprise though.

(DK) 6:13 Foul on Burke… seriously?  UConn is getting every call.

(Q) The crowd seems to have officially lost its mind. Regular fans aren’t even sitting down anymore. I can’t imagine how great it would be to be in the Bradley Center right now. What an amazing game.

(DK) 4:32 Stanley Robinson just had his 73rd baseline dunk of the game.  What a crappy game for him to have a career night.  Another dumb foul by Marquette … UConn up 84-74.

(Q) UCONN is getting to every loose ball and rebound. I’m going to have nightmares of Stanley Robinson dunking tonight.

(DK) 2:53 Lazar offensive foul on a crucial possession with MU within five, saw that coming from a mile away.

(Q) There was no denying that one. As soon as he started stumbling toward the hoop, everything slowed down and you knew it was coming.

(DK) 1:15 A.J. three gives UConn the 89-81 lead and pretty much clinches the win.

(Q) – Glad we got to see the crucial play of the game with half the screen taken up by Jim Calhoun. Did you know that winning 800 games puts you in “pretty select company”, according to Dickie V? Apparently, simply having the 6th-most wins in D-I history wouldn’t prove that to you.

(DK) Tough loss especially with ESPN confirming that Dom’s career as a Golden Eagle is over.  A little surprising considering I fractured my 5th metatarsal in 7th grade and was only out 3 weeks.  Not sure how I want to digest this injury.  Our bench is now even thinner and what had the makings of being a very special season just took a major hit.  The hope is not gone, but this definitely hurts.  I feel terrible for Dom.  It reminds me of when Travis Diener suffered a broken wrist with a few games left in his senior season and ended up falling short of breaking MU’s all-time scoring record.  I’m going to call it a night and drink my sorrows away.

(Q) I’m a mess. I hadn’t really considered the thought that we weren’t going to win that game. And we had the opportunities, but every loose ball and rebound went to the Huskies in the last 8 minutes. Size was certainly a factor, combined with the fact that we just looked too ragged on the boards. I’m hoping against hope for better news in the morning on DJ. I agree that we can still make some noise but it would be callous to pretend losing DJ isn’t a huge hit to this team. His growth and willingness to change his role has been a major part of the success this year’s team has had. Acker isn’t much of a shooter but that willingness to pass should help Jerel, Wesley and Lazar. I was really impressed with his on-ball defense tonight as well. Where this really hurts though is the lack of depth we already had. I like our chances in the tourney more than I do in these next 2 road games. I’m off to the LOST island to forget this…