NFL Lockout: The Movie

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The Lockout is OVER!!! Over the past few months, the lockout has provided no shortage of twists, turns and some stuff that Aaron Sorkin and Scott Rudin could easily turn into Hollywood drama (if you doubt that last sentence, I direct your attention to the film “Moneyball” coming to a theater near you in September).

Regardless, arguing the merits of whether a series of events would make a decent movie is not what this post is all about, nor is it what’s fun about creating fake movies. The fun lies in thinking about which actors would play each of the main players.

Kiefer Sutherland as Roger Goodell

Jack Bauer, er, Kiefer certainly carries the swagger, attitude and arrogance to pull off a man like Goodell and since Kiefer’s run as Jack, he needs a role where he’d have to transform himself a bit to play the bulkier NFL Commissioner. The only thing I’m worried about is Kiefer breaking character in the middle of a tense negotiation scene, jumping over the table, grabbing the Tom Brady character by his hair and screaming, “TELL ME WHERE THE NUCLEAR DEVICE IS!”

Levar Burton as DeMaurice Smith

You bet the Reading Rainbow dude would make a good Head of the Players association. He’s a good enough actor to handle the non-imposing Smith but he’s forgettable enough to not steal the scene, which is good because it’s not like DeMaurice Smith carries much weight in any room he enters.

Taylor Kitsch as Tom Brady

Umm, Tom’s kind of a pretty dude and is known to sport some flowing locks. Can Taylor Kitsch pull those two things off? Check and check. Did you really think I wasn’t going to find a role for Riggins?

Owen Wilson as Drew Brees

This might be a stretch for Owen acting wise because, well, Drew Brees isn’t anywhere near as crazy and random as the typical character that Wilson typically plays. However, looks wise, Wilson could pull off the Saints QB and he’s likable enough to be America’s Sweetheart, just like Brees.

Beau Bridges as Robert Kraft

Bridges has the look of Kraft and also can carry himself like a powerful, billionaire NFL owner on the silver screen. I only wish that Robert Kraft had a younger brother that wore jellies around town and was really concerned with how well a rug pulls a room together… I know someone who could nail that role.

David Caruso as Jerry Jones

Thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery, Jerry Jones already looks like the younger Caruso, sans the red hair. Looks aside though, Caruso is one of the few actors who is batshit crazy enough to tackle all of Jerry Jones’ crazy idiosyncrasies. Just the thought of Caruso trying to play Jerry Jones as Horatio Cane has me more excited than a 7th grade boy who just Googled “Jenna Jameson” for the first time.

Anthony Mackie as James Harrison

Mackie might have to put on a few pounds to be a believable Harrison, but he’s got the attitude to pull of the loud, brash Pittsburgh linebacker. All Mackie has to do is channel the same emotions that gave us Nate Ruffin in “We Are Marshall” and we’ll be good with his portrayal of Harrison as he unleashes on Roger Goodell (though, I’m not sure Kiefer would take kindly to the words).

James Van Der Beek as Peyton Manning

Not an ideal match and I could be sold on the idea of Peyton simply playing himself since his biggest part in the story would be him going under the knife, but Van Der Beek is the choice that Hollywood would make. I wonder if whoever directs this awesome film can get James to tone down the Jonathan Moxon and become a true student of the game, like Peyton.

Anna Paquin as Rachel Nichols

If you need someone to play someone who has gotten by more on looks than true talent, look no further than Anna Paquin playing Rachel Nichols. I would put this role right in Paquin’s wheelhouse because she wouldn’t have to really try to act to be stupid. If you’re wondering, I don’t like Rachel Nichols because she’s awful and I don’t like Paquin because she sucked as Rogue in the X-Men movies (and yes that’s enough for me to think she’s unintelligent).

Jon Voight as Chris Mortensen

Voight is an everyman who can adapt into nearly any role he’s presented with. Playing Chris Mortensen wouldn’t be too hard for him after he’s played the likes of Howard Cosell, FDR and Bud Kilmer. I just hope he can come off as likable as the real Mortensen seems to be.

Paul Rudd as Adam Schefter

Adam’s character might box in Paul Rudd’s usual subtle humor a bit, but Rudd is the spitting image of Schefter. I’m drawing the line at Jason Segal showing up as Schefter’s college buddy who is trying to get him to unwind a little more with the lack of NFL news during the lockout. If that happens in the theatrical version of the story, I’m out. You know what? Who am I kidding? I’d be all about that story angle.

Christopher Gorham as Chris Kluwe

You need an unknown to play the otherwise unknown Minnesota Vikings punter who made a name for himself by tweeting a very sarcastic comment towards Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and company, even calling them douchebags. In the film version of this story, Kluwe will definitely be getting his ass kicked.

There you have it, the NFL Lockout Movie… I can’t wait until it hits theaters in 2014 or so.

(Note: Peter King was omitted from this film for no other reason than that he was rude to the author at a Green Bay Packers Training Camp in 2005)

Peter Christian is a senior feature writer for The Sports Bank. His work has been featured in WalterFootball.com, The Washington Times Communities, Accuscore.com and Fox Sports. Follow Peter on Twitter.

Comments

  1. David Kay says

    I still think Rhea Pearlman would be the perfect Rachel Nichols since they are both small and hideous looking…

  2. Peter Christian says

    Eric, that version blows. Bryan Cranston as Roger Goodell? That’s ridiculous. But thanks for reading. You should read good things more often.

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