By David Palmer
Much has happened over the last month, the Steelers won the Super Bowl, A-Rod is a steroid junkie, Brett Favre retired again and Marquette basketball is setting up David K. for the inevitable, heart-breaking early first round exit come March. Let’s try to focus on some things you may have missed while practicing your pumpkin seed spitting for spring training.
-During this whole A-Rod crap-fest, there is one man who comes out smelling like roses- Roger Cossack. He is ESPN’s resident legal analyst. He gets a call anytime something controversial with legal ramifications comes up, and he is getting some serious face-time right now. I wish I had a lawyer on speed dial that I could call and ask hypothetical legal questions such as: Does Deron Williams need a restraining order against Paul M. Banks? Or if poppy seeds make you test positive for opiates, why didn’t Darryl Strawberry just eat poppy seed bagels all the time and blame any positive test results on that?
-Lingo is one TV show that has sucked me in for the last few weeks, I can’t get enough of it. It is on the Game Show Network pretty much whenever Millionaire isn’t. The best part is openly rooting for each team to fail miserably. It is high comedy watching these idiots try to figure out five letter words. The entertainment value is also directly proportionate to the bra size of the assistant that host Chuck Woolery is clearly sleeping with. Woolery also mails in almost every episode. It looks like he was on a three-day coke bender and now taping the tenth show of the day, all the time. A lot to like about this simple yet fascinating show.
-While out of town visiting my old college stomping grounds of Eau Claire, Wisconsin I ran across someone that needs to be seen by everybody. I call him the Bluetooth Cowboy. He is a guy in his seventies (estimate) with the whole cowboy get up: boots, hat, tight black pants, and black shirt. He looked like a legitimate cowboy until you saw his Bluetooth earpiece. Has there ever been a bigger clash of style and technology usage? It would be like seeing a hippie carrying around a chainsaw. It just shouldn’t happen. Sorry about the blurriness of the picture, I was trying to be stealthy about taking it.
-I saw Gran Torino about two weeks ago; it is a fantastic film that I highly recommend. Really, call your girlfriend right now tell her you are taking her out to see a movie tonight. Don’t be afraid to laugh at the dog-eating jokes, they are supposed to be funny.
-I have a new favorite name in college basketball, Dallas Lauderdale of Ohio State. I’m not sure if that is his given name or his porn name. Just picture this: Dallas Lauderdale IS Dallas Lauderdale IN “Texas Heat 8.” I can see the trailer now. One of my life rules is- never play cards with anybody named after a city. What about two cities? I’m pretty sure he would find a way to take all my money and my clothes before the cards were even dealt.
-Real World Brooklyn update: Chet (the gay Mormon) and Ryan (Iraq war vet who doesn’t think he has PTSD) are the only remaining watchable characters. I know Chet’s affinity towards purple and pink has been covered ad-nauseum, but seriously purple boots! And how about Chet’s family when they came to visit? It was him and like 37 hot blonde girls between the ages of 16 and 25. Why does God Joseph Smith waste talent like that on Mormons?
-While watching Rudy the other night, I realized that Notre Dame’s coach Devine is played by Chelcie Ross, the same guy who played the geriatric pitcher Eddie Harris in Major League. Kind of weird that he plays a total a-hole in both movies. (Editor’s Note: don’t forget the Bruce Willis/Damon Wayans football flick “The Last Boy Scout” where he played Senator Baynard, another total jackass) I kept waiting for him to take a shot of rum and say, “up your butt Joboo.” I forgot how good the football scenes are in this movie, they are amazingly realistic. This also is one of the very few movies that gets me a little misty at the end when everybody is chanting, “Rudy, Rudy,” and he finally gets on the field.
-Lastly, how did goldfish ever survive evolution? Has there ever been a weaker more fragile species make it this far? They are like a swimming pork chop for other fish. How would they live in a polluted river or lake with other fish trying to eat them, when they can’t last three days in a clean fish bowl?
These are the things I am left to ponder while waiting for the cable guy to come.