Jay Cutler Wedding Article: Dumbest. Thing. Ever



Obviously, I’m someone who enjoys reading news about Jay Cutler; and often writing about Jay Cutler. So when my girlfriend handed me a US Weekly with “Kristin Cavallari Country Wedding” featured in the top corner on the cover, I wanted to take a look. I skipped past all the fashion crapola and straight to what I thought would be a 2-3 page article about the details of the Jay Cutler Kristin Cavallari wedding in Nashville.

I was looking forward to learning something, anything Chicago Bears related about the wedding. I assumed it would say which Bears players and SEC football coaches were in attendance.

Instead, what I found was a 100-150 word piece of useless garbage that read at Kindergarten level. It has no byline. I’m assuming that’s because the STUPID IDIOT who wrote it and stole those minutes of my life doesn’t want their name public.


I had low expectations for this puff piece trash, but US Weekly still fell so far beneath my very low expectations that I almost threw up. This was to reading material what Rex Grossman’s 0.0 passer rating game on New Year’s Eve 2006 versus the Green Bay Packers was to quarterbacking.


I know what you’re thinking, you’re ripping on US Weekly for being insipid and brain-dead, isn’t that redundant? Or isn’t trashing them just grabbing low-hanging fruit?”

Yes, you are correct, but this was my first time ever looking at the magazine; and it was one time way too many. People bemoan the death of the printed publication, but believe me US Weekly being sent to live on a farm upstate would be a very good thing for all of us. This stupid waste of space talked about “sources” for their junior high level “quotes” and wedding “anecdotes.” As if you did anything more than copy and paste a press release from Kristin Cavallari’s agent?

I don’t think that’s what happened though as I’m sure her agent would actually write a press release above 4th grade level. My girlfriend then explained to me who Kristin Cavallari was/is and that was at least slightly interesting to some extent. Cue the meme:


I don’t care about what stupid reality shows she was on. But it was good to learn why Kristin Cavallari used to be a huge page view generator for this site a couple years ago; unlike today when people (again cue the meme)


don’t care about anything related to Cavallari today. She’s not on television anymore, so people are no longer searching for her. Kristin’s acting career is long over. Having my lady friend explain Cav’s former popularity, and the popularity of US Weekly to me was exactly like a person explaining human behavior to an alien.

“So this is what your people consume?” “So your beings are entertained by this apparatus? Interesting.” It was all so foreign to me.

And in case you’re still wondering, Jay Cutler had pulled pork tacos and drinks served in mason jars at his wedding. And no, there was no mention of anyone or anything Bears or NFL related anywhere.

But hey, it was still better than watching/writing about the White Sox these days.

Paul M. Banks is the owner of The Sports Bank.net. (“Quasi-endorsed” by Philadelphia Eagles Coach Chip Kelly) He’s also an author who also contributes regularly to MSN, Fox Sports , Chicago Now, Walter Football.com and Yardbarker

Banks has appeared on the History Channel, as well as Clear Channel, ESPN and CBS radio all over the world. President Barack Obama follows him on Twitter (@PaulMBanks), like him on Facebook

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