Notre Dame Fan Suffers Heart Attack, Michigan Fans Help Save his Life

Last Saturday’s night game between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines was about as exciting a college football game as I’ve ever seen. I didn’t have a rooting interest in it, so I didn’t feel any emotion to it, other than the emotion of “wow, this is the coolest effing game, I’ve ever had a media pass for in my life.”

But for fans of both teams it was heart-stopping action. And for one ND fan, it was literally heart-wrenching.

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Michigan needs to clean things up to keep the good times rolling


By H. Jose Bosch

Drink a glass of water a day and it’s just a glass of water.

Drink a glass of water after running a couple miles and it becomes the most important glass of water you’ve ever had in your life.

The same concept applies to Michigan football. For almost every year until 2007, the Wolverines were never short of wins. They had the best all-time winning percentage and the most all time wins. In other words, a win was just a win.

Then the team goes 3-9, the worst season in 40 years, and all of a sudden we as fans were gasping for air down the last straight away.

Michigan’s 4-0 start has been just like one long, cool swig of purified water. Strike that, it’s been like four long, cool swigs of purified water. I never thought a win would taste so good. Each one sustains me like a battery on the back of the Energizer bunny. I’m delirious with happiness over the team’s success. I mean, four wins already? After three all of last season? Hot damn!

But, enough with the crazy fandom; it’s time to get serious. As great as the four-game winning streak has been, there have been some flaws with the Wolverines. The secondary and the offensive line have been less than stellar. We already knew how lame the secondary was. Boubacar Cissoko and JT Floyd were awful on the corners this week and that situation doesn’t look much better.

As for the offensive line, the loss of David Molk hurt more than I thought it would. The slight rearranging to fill in for him affected the line enough to make Tate Forcier’s day a little more difficult.

And Forcier looked like a freshman for the first time this season. It was easy for all of us to forget how young he was since he played so well. And he did a great job leading the team back. But he needs to cut down on those mistakes, especially on the road in East Lansing.


Michigan State is the Wolverines’ first road game and first road test this season. The Spartans have looked average in their first four games but in a rivalry game you throw everything out the window, especially when the underdog is the home team.

The way the Wolverines have played in the past, they can definitely win in East Lansing. But if Michigan plays on Saturday the same way they played against Indiana, it’s going to be a long afternoon.

DBag Bracket Banks Regional Champion

By Paul M. Banks

Welcome to the d-bag bracket, a tournament deciding the most insufferable douchebags in all of sports. Please feel free to vote early and vote often for your choice in the Final Four.

Regional Champion: Non-Academically affiliated Notre Dame Fans.

It’s not every year the city of Chicago cancels a long-running parade. And when that rare event coincided with the inaugural year of the douchebracket- ND fans got their ticket punched to the Final 4. The large group of drunk morons engaging in stupid and illegal behavior at the Southside Irish parade (and you know many of them were repping the Golden Dome despite having no actual legitimate connection to the school) clinched it. The one ND alum currently in my social circle, Jim the CF on my rec. league softball team, is a pretty cool guy and a couple weeks ago he read the site and felt compelled to tell me how much he can’t stand these people. It’s similar to how I feel about the central Illinois townies and thuggish ruggish uneducated Chicagoans who think they know as much about/love the Illini as much as I do.

This regional’s #3 seed are the most egregious offenders within a special kind of douchebag classification- white trash idiots aligning themselves with front-runner schools (despite the fact the Fighting Irish haven’t won anything important in either sport for 20+ years) because….1.) Maybe their brother or cousin or somebody attended the school and they’ve been wasted in South Bend a couple times 2.) They’re Irish-American and they ignore this fact pointed out by commenter “Zoo” in round one:

“#3 should take this bracket hands down. Just because you’re Irish shouldn’t make you a Notre Dame fan…Why are they the Fighting Irish anyway? Notre Dame is French.”

I’m guessing these people have never been to the cathedral on Paris’ river Seine! So how did they rout #13 University of Michigan fans in the elite 8 game and squeeze past #2 Roger Clemens in the sweet 16?

It was a very tall order considering that Clemens is a guy who:

1.) Lived a big lie long after everyone stopped believing it

2.) Cheated on his wife with a teenager.

3.) Threw his wife under the bus to try and save his own ass

4.) Had no concept of “team” and made his own selfish rules and double standards during the last few years of his career

5.) Threw a bat at Mike Piazza in a fit of World Series roid rage

6.) I’ll stop here because this could go on for a thousand words, point being that this was a classic douchebracket battle.

The Regional final game against UM fans is reminiscent of when the two football teams each year on the third Saturday in September. When that stadium is filled each autumn, it is to me………well, remember when hard-line Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he “wanted Israel wiped off the map”?

All these bandwagon unaffiliated Fighting Irish fans are more evil and dangerous than the Taliban because their existence

-Validates the hypocritical holier-than-thou attitude the school has at every level; from the gelatinous Charlie Weiss to the horribly unprofessional press relations department.

-Creates the inflated consumer demand equilibrium that yielded a special college football television contract no other team has and this stupid notion they should be regularly covered by the Chicago sports media. South Bend is in a different state and time zone from the second city. They are NOT and never have been our home team!

Douchebracket Banks Regional Semifinals

Welcome to the d-bag bracket, a tournament deciding the most insufferable douchebags in all of sports. Please feel free to comment as much as possible  because your feedback will help determine who advances to the Final Four.

By Paul M. Banks

Regional Semi Final #2 Roger Clemens vs. #3 Notre Dame fans with no connection to the school

I think this game could be a national semifinal, not just a regional semifinal as many bracketologists across the country have picked these guys to be their national champions. It’s a lying cheater who threw his wife and close friends under the bus versus people who (for no valid reason) support a team that everyone hates, a team that doesn’t even have the luxury of being hated because they’re good.

How non-academically affiliated Notre Dame fans got here:
this was undoubtedly the stronger portion of the bracket. The #6 People who think Chris Berman is funny destroyed #11 ESPN’s Tim Tebow coverage but fell to ND fans by just one point after leading for 59 minutes of the game. ND had a tough first round opponent in Tyler Hansbrough, who gets more irritating every time he pumps his effete, short T-Rex like arms in celebration, but Psycho T. the man with the worst nickname in all of sports was no match for this group on St. Patrick’s Day when these douchebags are all out in full force. And remember, Chicago has two parades and essentially celebrates the Irish drinking holiday on three separate days each year.

But NOT anymore! After 31 years the city of Chicago suspended the South side Irish parade due to the drunken tomfoolery and rowdiness of inebriated by 10 am hooligans. 54 people were arrested! More than the night Chicago people turned over cars to “celebrate” the Bulls title. You know those morons were probably wearing shamrock beeds, those plastic green hats called…I don’t know those dorky hats that homoerotic dancing men wear and diddley-boppers on their heads. What else were these likely non-high school educated people wearing? Probably plenty of Notre Dame merchandise. And good riddance to the South Side Irish parade. I grew up about 20 minutes from where it takes place, lived in the Chicago area most of my life, and been to it a grand total of one time. And one time too many!

How Roger Clemens got here: by being Roger Clemens and routing Illini fans complaining about the refs in round one. That was the most lopsided game in the tourney so far. Supporters of a fellow juicehead, Barry Bonds, met Clemens in the second round after the seven seed cruised past Peyton Manning’s incessant commercials. These 10 over 7 mild upsets can sometimes be easy to predict. Clemens cheated on his wife with a washed-up drug addicted country singer when she was barely legal meaning he deserved a victory over a group of people who (like followers of Intelligent Design) are too stupid or pig-headed to believe in simple science. But Bonds today is too much of a pariah to see his acolytes advance further in this bracket.

Regional Semi Final  #8 Pro Chief Illiniwek Zealots vs. #13 University of Michigan Fans

A lot of office pools had broken brackets in this side of the regional. While seedings held in the lower part of the bracket, chaos ruled in the upper portion. But consider that II got hate mail from Chief Illiniwek fans just this past week, and a Michigan fan (who didn’t attend the school by the way) actually de-friended me on Facebook for talking trash after Illini won their meeting in the Big Ten tournament. Seriously, you (and you know who you are) started the smack talk but can’t handle the response- LAME! These two groups of irritating Big Ten backers found their way into the Sweet Sixteen.

How the Pro-Chief people got here: First they survived a 6 overtime thriller with the anti-Chief zealots because I had trouble deciding which group was truly the bigger collection of losers besmirching the reputation of my alma mater. In round two I realized that “The General” hasn’t been that relevant as a coach in ages and some of his work on ESPN isn’t half bad. And since he hasn’t choked anyone, attacked any kids simply because they greeted him or laid his convoluted and regressive world views on us lately, he was ripe for a shocking upset in round two. He was also likely tired from his round one slugfest with the drunken and baseball illiterate subset of Cubs fans. That contest came down to a buzzer beater that’s still under review.

How U of M fans got here:
The #4 seed Over-commercialization of Sportscenter was a sleeper pick in many tournament pick’em games, so this might have been the upset of the tourney so far. But Sportscenter still at least has some stats and charts wedged in there with all the self-promotion, cross promotion and segments starring Rick Reilly that appeal to the brain-dead. Once again #12 upset #5 as the annoyance of Chase Daniel is much more fresh in my mind than that of the Back-stabbing Judas, Eric Gordon. Besides Kelvin Sampson was the real enemy and douchebag of that situation and he’s seeded in Peter Christian’s regional. UM fans had no problem dismissing Chase Daniel’s douchitude as he will now descend into obscurity for the rest of his life.