Chicken broth for the fantasy football conscience


Instead of giving you a rundown of each team’s successes and failures in the TSBFL, our coaches and GMs have opted to share their knowledge and advice for the upcoming week. Who needs one fantasy football expert when you have 10 team owners to help you? What better way to share your frustration over guys like LenDale White, Brandon Jacobs, and Sammy Morris.

Team Creepinfrbehind:

My advice for this week is when trying to pick up a running back or thinking about who to sub in for a bye week player, pick a running back that catches passes. Tim Hightower for my team has not rushed for over 100 yards yet this year (not even close) but has scored over 10 fantasy points in every game but one because he’s used in the passing game. Clinton Portis and Steven Jackson are similar players.sammy-morris

The Stafford Effect:

Advice No. 1: NEVER sit Drew Brees … unless Randy Moss is also going to score 30 fantasy points and you still win for the week.

Advice No. 2: Stay away from Sammy Morris. Any ass who fails to net JUST ONE fantasy point when his team scored 59 points is a fucking BUM!

Large, Oval Balls:

I have bad news for some owners, myself included in this group: If you have Brandon Jacobs on your team, he’s no longer a must start. I get it, you probably used a high pick on him — for me, I’d never had Jacobs on a team, and he was a mid-second round pick for me, which I thought, at the time, was a steal.

At this point, however, the Giants seem content to continue handing the ball to Ahmad Bradshaw — and who can blame them? Bradshaw has turned out to be a real-life force, not just a fantasy hero. Perhaps what we will see is that the Giants are just saving Jacobs for later in the year, in colder weather, when a bruising, pounding back like Jacobs really can really make some teams fall apart.

For now, however, as long as you have a viable option who’s name isn’t “Rotting Cadaver,” you shouldn’t feel as though you have to start Jacobs on a weekly basis. Hell, matchup-starts haven’t even worked with Jacobs, as he turned in abysmal performances against both the Buccaneers and the Raiders.

Just stash him away for a while and see what happens. You might even miss his breakout week — that’s ok. It’s better than continually getting burned by his 4 or 6 point outings week after week after week.

fargasFREE PLAX:

Well I am trying to make it a full season with Plaxico Burress on the bench and so far 5-1 is pretty good. This week I’ve run into some bumps as my top player Maurice Jones-Drew faces a bye week. I’ve picked up Justin Fargas after finding out that Darren McFadden will be out another week. My hope is that Fargas can at least find 50 yards and a touchdown somewhere in his system. Sorry for owners that also have MJD on the bye week, all you can hope at this point is you’ve won enough games you can afford a loss here!

I’ll continue to ride the shoulders of Matt Schaub and hope that Anquan Boldin plays this weekend. Mike Bell actually might see a start after being the goal line guy for New Orleans last week. We’ll see how this week goes for FREE PLAX!

Team Penetration:

If you’re anything like me, you’re stuck in the uniquely exciting position of being unable to bench Steve Smith or Roy Williams for fear that they may decide to finally reach double digit points in one week. And as big of a Wisconsin homer as I can be, I’m about fed up with Lee Evans, but I wouldn’t sit him just yet. His best game of the season was last week when, coincidentally, Trent Edwards was knocked out of the game. If Ryan Fitzpatrick is quarterbacking Buffalo this week, play Evans. I would also advise against Chris Cooley, mostly because that three touchdown game was a long time ago. All I can say is thank god Michael Turner is just getting going, because LenDale White is less useful than Plaxico Burress.

TSBFL sees a league first in Week 5! Interleague play starts now!


Ladies and gentlemen, another week of the TSBFL has come and gone, and Week 6 is less than 48 hours away. This week, we saw the league’s first tie between the SICA SportsBankers and Team Penetration, after Ronnie Brown Wildcatted his way to 20 points as the last player that needed to play for either team. The Grateful Red once again did their best Rams/Titans impression and is the only team that has yet to win a game (the league office apologizes for last week’s boast of at least one win from each team, as it is not true…yet). Will this week be any different? Judging by the interracial, or interleague, Bud Light vs. Miller Lite matchups, we’re in for some upset surprises. As the trading deadline approaches, we will be able to easily separate the contenders from the pretenders. We didn’t have as many coach’s that were willing to talk to the media after Week 5, but no doubt they spent that valuable 10 minutes adjusting/chewing out their roster.

Week 6 matchups:

Team Guinness vs. Team Penetration
Grateful Red vs. SICA SportsBankers
The Dick Whitmans vs. Team Creepinfrbehind
Purple Jesus is My Homeboy vs. FREE PLAX
JaJuan Johnson All-Stars vs. Large, Oval Balls
Orange Crush vs. The Stafford Effect


Week 5 reactions:

SICA Sportsbankers Week 5 Post Game Press Conference: Team Penetration

On generating the first tie in Sportsbank history

Paul M. Banks: We had our chances and didn’t take advantage of them.
Soxman: If Bryant starts over Massaqoui, we would have won that game. Bad call on my part.

On signing Jerome Harrison over Glen Coffee

Soxman: Coffee had one week of upside left at best with the return of Frank Gore. No one saw Jamal Lewis having a comeback like he did. What did he get like 50 carries?
Paul M. Banks: You try to be consistent from day one, from the first day you walk out there on the field, and keep building on it, try to keep improving it. That’s why we meet, and practice, and work for. That’s what we are here for is to play good football, be consistent, do it as much as possible, do it at the highest percentage as we possibly can.

On Kyle Orton (16) scoring more points than Tom Brady (14) again

Soxman: Who plays is ultimately coach Belichick’s errrrrrr ahhhh coach Banks’ decision.
Paul. M. Banks: Tom Brady is our quarterback. Next question.

On not sticking to a particular roster

Paul M. Banks: We’ve got to be more productive. We’ve got to make more plays, got to make them at the right time, and we have got to make them in critical situations. We’re just going to have to work our way through it
Soxman: SICA has no room on their roster for people that don’t play hard every game, every down, every snap. I’d rather go 1-3 and play hard than be 3-1 and not be able to say we gave it our all

Team Creepinfrbehind
(Jake Fowler)

portiscostume2First of all I would like to address the trade rumors surrounding Clinton Portis. He had a great week but I would like to definitively say he is NOT our guy and the phone lines are open. Sorry Clint, but you know fantasy football is a business. As for last week’s game: any winning streak usually involves some luck and we got it last week against Large, Oval Balls. Had Paul started Jeremy Maclin (who put up 26 points) we would’ve gotten crushed. Sorry Paul, I hope you’re not too depressed. This week is a matchup of sizzling teams as the Dick Whitman’s have won 3 in a row themselves. Overall, I’m very pleased with our team’s consistency week to week. We haven’t had anyone go crazy but no one has crapped the bed either. This week our team has an extremely favorable match ups and is projected for well over 100 points. Dick Whitmans: Time to nut up or shut up. And if we win this week we may have to change the team name from creepinfrbehind to team likes it on top.

The JaJuan Johnson All-Stars
(David Kay)

When you have five players from one team on your roster, that always wreaks havoc to your line-up on their bye week. (And is pretty piss poor drafting by the owner.) With Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, Mason Crosby and the Packer D all not playing, I had to scramble to throw together a roster. Then I was forced to play the questionable Jerricho Cotchery because I didn’t have any other options or want to drop anybody to pick up a one week rental wide-out. So needless to say, it was not a good week for the JaJuan Johnson All-Stars. Matt Ryan and Rashard Mendenhall combined for 39 of my 63 points while the rest of my team crapped the bed. Hopefully having the Pack back in action this weekend and facing a fairly pathetic Lions defense, should lead us back in the left column (as Bo Ryan would say.)

Every team in the TSBFL has won a game, and it’s only Week 4! Beat that, NFL!


Welcome to This Week in the TSBFL! All the teams have officially registered a win, beating out even the NFL in that category! We also saw some very big blowouts in those wins, including two that featured double their opponent’s score, and then some. At this point, expect to see some trade rumors floating around, and some coaching changes. Let’s here from our ecstatic/disappointed/complacent GM/Coaches:

SICA Sportsbankers
(GM Soxman, head coach Paul M. Banks)

On their first win of the 2009 Season

Paul M. Banks: We had a good week. Our defense played strong and pretty much set the tone for our win. We needed to make a statement and we did (49ers Def had 49 points).

Soxman: I promised change and I delivered. Luckily my hunches paid off, and our top draft picks played like they were supposed to.

On leading the league with 131 total fantasy points

Banks: We are still 1-3. Scores are irrelevant. Next question.

Soxman: Agree with coach Banks. If we score 131 and lose, what difference does it make?

On their opponent, Free Plax

Banks: They are a good team on paper, but we were the better team today.

Soxman: My comments when we win are the same as when we lose. Free Plax was last week. We are now focused on week 5.

Who is the biggest surprise on their team thus far?

Banks: Ronnie Brown has emerged as one of the top rushers in the game.

Soxman: Eddie Royal has been a surprise bust.

(Andy Weise)

“Plax might be cut this week because we lost. Our efforts to free him from jail have been unsuccessful. We’re still working with the league on getting his prison yard games to count for fantasy stats.” – Drew Rosenhaus

Team Cominfrbehind
(Jake Fowler)

After bending team penetration over last week, it feels good to be on top. This week’s challenge is to show some stamina and last another round. A lot of sexual analogies here but when you’re playing teams like team Penetration and Large, Oval balls the mind seems to get in a rut. And it bodes well for future Coor’s Light commercials. Players getting their first start in the bye week did a great job. Hines Ward came through with over 100 yards receiving and the Bengals defense played solidly. The Packers’ sex-like abstinence towards running the football has been effective for fantasy numbers, as Aaron Rodgers had a solid stats performance trying to come from behind. There are still some wrinkles to be ironed out as the season goes on, however. Clinton Portis still has not scored a TD and the Ram’s limp offense could use Viagra, which has left Stephen Jackson vulnerable to some S and M type beatings. Overall, though feeling very confident about our chances this week. A message for this week’s opponent, Large, Oval Balls: prepare to be blue.

Team Penetration
(Jake McCormick)

Don't pump your fist. It's not cool to be fat.

Don't pump your fist. It's not cool to be fat.

I have one thing to say about this week’s loss, then I’m putting Le’Ron McClain and LenDale White on Weight Watchers:

I will start Lawrence Phillips, Rashaan Salaam, Michael Bennett, Tyrone Wheatley, Samkon Gado, a one-legged Marion Barber, and the current version of Earl Campbell (yes, with the crutches) before I turn to another fat running back. Both of these large, amoeba-like blobs combined for 0 points this week, when the questionably healthy Marion Barber put up 12 points. George Costanza has failed me once again, but this is rock bottom. Two of my best players (Steve Smith and Michael Turner) were on byes and are back for good, injury pending. There’s nowhere to go but up now, but God do I hate guys with a top Madden speed of 85.

The Stafford Effect
(H. Jose Bosch)

I’m very proud of our team’s performance against Large, Oval Balls. Let’s face it, every week our opponent has had a defense that’s been more dominant than the Steel Curtain Steelers of the 70’s. Oddly enough this year’s Steelers defense has sucked an almost cost us this week. Fortunately the Steelers have the Lions this week, which means I should get more than five points from a defense that has been as impotent as Bob Dole.

I’m also going to pat myself on the back for starting Eli Manning over Drew Brees. And I thought watching ESPN’s pregame show would be a bad idea.

Purple Jesus is My Homeboy
(Peter Christian)

Mike Sims-WalkerI’m turning this week’s press conference over to my receiving core which showed up huge last week. First at the podium is Mike Sims-Walker.

MS-W: what’s up y’all?

Peter King: who are you? Where did you come from? Why do you have two last names? Are you trying to emulate your teammate Maurice Jones-Drew?

MS-W: that’s cold Mr. King. I’m the leading receiver of all three NFL teams in Florida. Don’t be hatin, I hate you Mr. King. I’m out.

Uhhh, could someone escort Peter King off the premises? Sidney Rice is next.

SR: Guys, I’ve got a quick statement. Playing with Brett Favre is awesome. Like the best ever. I loved playing football before my quarterback was Brett, but now I love football more than everything. I could go to the Pro Bowl. I repeat, THE PRO BOWL! I’m gonna savor this moment…. Drink it in.

Ok, this didn’t really go as planned… I’ve got a gameplan to develop. As for quotes for you guys: Big win, all wins are big, top spot is a balancing act, we’ve got a target on our back, everyone’s gunning for us, one week at a time, blah blah blah. See you next week.


Week 2 recap of the TSBFL challenge: The hot seat is getting hotter


Week 2 of the TSBFL season is complete, and we’ve already had coaches throw temper tantrums, change their philosophies in a Seinfeld-esque manner, and propose a 6th season of Prison Break, starring Plaxico Burress. Keep in mind we are in Week 2, and each of these coaches/GMs will probably flip-flop like your favorite politicians as Judgment Day, aka the first week of the playoffs, draws closer. If you need a reminder of who’s who on TSBFL rosters, click here. And start picking sides, because we’re throwin’ down Miller Lite vs. Bud Light style. Get your beer bottles and homemade banjos ready!

Week 2 results:
Large, Oval Balls 93, SICA SportsBankers 75
Team Creapinfrbehind 114, The Stafford Effect 67
FREE PLAX 106, Team Penetration 88
JaJuan Johnson All-Stars 111, Grateful Red 103
Orange Crush 97, The Dick Whitmans 85
Team Guinness 97, Purple Jesus is My Homeboy 89

Week 3 matchups:
SICA SportsBankers (0-2) at Creepinfrbehind (1-1, Jake Fowler)
FREE PLAX (2-0) at Large, Oval Balls (2-0)
Team Penetration (0-2) at The Stafford Effect (1-1)
Grateful Red (0-2) at Dick Whitmans (0-2)
Purple Jesus is My Homeboy (1-1) at JaJuan Johnson All-Stars (1-1)
Team Guinness (2-0) at Orange Crush (2-0)

Team Penetration
(Jake McCormick)

*Coach McCormick walks into the press room and slaps a slogan on the front of his podium:

“My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”*

the-opposite-seinfeldLadies and gentleman, every basic instinct and logical decision I’ve made as a coach has completely blown up in my face, as far as the quarterback position go. I am going to stick with Carson Palmer from now on, even if the matchup does not dictate favorably for him. I’m conducting my management with the exact opposite of my normal thought process. Get me a chicken salad on rye!

What can I say about this game? I couldn’t have won in any way by my own team’s means, and the closest that could’ve happened was a tie if I played Palmer over Hasselbeck, replaced Roy Williams with Lee Evans and played the two point wonder, La’Ron McLain. I’d love to see the coach that would dream of pulling the trigger on that change without prior knowledge of the results.

I’ve already made a Palmer-for-Hasselbeck change and that will be all for this week’s matchup against The Stafford Effect. I’m not favored, once again, but I think this will be the week we put it all together and pull off a win. If not, then I will have some serious trade bait dangling over prospective owners like a shark tank and a cow’s carcass smeared in pig’s blood and giblets.

JaJuan Johnson All-Stars
(David Kay)

It was quite a shoot-out for the JaJuan Johnson All-Stars/Grateful Red matchup. Luckily, Chris Johnson went off like Bronne from the Real World when Emilee tap danced on his zombie magazine, especially since Greg Jennings didn’t have a single catch.

My opponent also made a general managerial mistake by playing Wes Welker, who was inactive, but it wouldn’t have mattered as none of his bench players would have scored the necessary nine points to beat me.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom uses the excuse of the flu hitting his team this week, but there is no questioning my play-calling. It was Mike Martz-ish, circa 2000. The JJ All-Stars do need more production out of the tight end position and will actively be searching for a serviceable replacement for the worthless Anthony Fasano. I am not foolish enough to think that Johnson will put up 45 points per week, but I like the direction of my team and the way they responded to their opening week loss.

SICA SportsBankers
(Coach Paul M. Banks and GM Soxman)

On starting the season 0-2:
Soxman: Hands off the panic button, but we are concerned about the direction in which the team appears to be headed following Sunday’s loss to Oval Balls. This was a beatable team, bottom line. WE WERE WORSE.

tom-brady-stetson-manWe had spectacular play from the Philadelphia defense and special teams’ in the season opener, and the next week we get negative points? Brady and Slaton combine for only 11 points? If your top two draft picks don’t produce, you lose. It’s not rocket science folks.

On the Oval Balls:
Banks: Oval Balls look like two zeroes in my opinion. You can quote me on that.

Roster shakeups? Looking ahead?
Banks: That’s what the offense is out there for – to score points. If we score a lot of points passing, that’s good. If we score a lot of points running, that’d be fine with me, too. If points are scored, then we’re doing our job. If they’re not, then that’s now what good offense is.

Soxman: It’s too early to call Steve Slaton a bust, and we will continue to play him as we have no other options at this point. We need a second WR and are actively searching for an answer there. If we find one, Eddie Royal will be benched.
We are also evaluating trade possibilities.

(Andy Weise)

Drew Rosenhaus, general manager for Free Plax, had some interesting comments regarding the team’s 2-0 start:

“Listen you nitwits, we’re 2-0, which is great but the fact that our best player on the team was sent to jail this week really takes away from all the success we’ve had. Right now we’re still trying to decide if we should focus on the gameplan for this weekend or start plotting Plax’s escape from prison and putting him in a uniform as soon as possible. I’m not even joking about this, all you fools know Plaxico is the best WR in the game and just because he accidentally shot himself doesn’t mean he’s less of a football player. I’m writing the league right now to complain about Donte Stallworth killing someone after drinking and driving when my client has to spend two years behind bars for SHOOTING HIMSELF! The NFL has the power to get our guy out of jail and if they can’t, I will do it myself! YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL DO IT MYSELF! Next question…”

Purple Jesus is my Homeboy
(Peter Christian)

All is not well in the Purple Jesus is My Homeboy camp. First round pick Matt Forte’s underwhelming performances through two weeks have left a very sour taste in my mouth. I’ve tried everything to get that taste out; mouthwash, toothpaste, Jim Beam, razorblades… You get my point. The problem is that Forte is getting no holes to burst through and therefore is not racking up the yards and touchdowns he should be.

As the owner/GM of Purple Jesus, I feel the need for change. Donald Brown is waiting in the wings waiting for his shot and I’ll be honest, his time could be sooner rather than later. I usually don’t like airing the dirty laundry so publicly, but I want to make sure Forte gets my message: Find the end zone or find a new team!

The Stafford Effect
(H. Jose Bosch)

thumb_1190518590215_0p9577015066677685Brees came to play, but everyone else looked distracted. Their receivers and running backs killed us this week and we couldn’t respond. Our wide receiver situation has to be solved soon. If we’re going to have performances like that, I’ll trade the whole damn corps away. What? Was I outcoached? Hell no! Who is Jake Fowler? Huh?! Who changes his team name in the middle of the season?! We will come back strong next week and you can bet your ass we will win and finish this year ahead of his team! Anymore questions?! *storms out of press conference room before reporters get the chance to ask*

Large, Oval Balls
(Paul Schmidt)

When I drafted Fred Jackson and Dallas Clark, I didn’t think that they would be leading my team to victory on consecutive weeks, and yet here we are. However, there was a method to my madness.

With Jackson, he obviously had some value in that he was the backup of Marshawn Lynch with no one else in sight – not only was he going to be guaranteed three starts, but Lynch has now not started a full season slate of games in any of his three seasons. With the drive in the NFL to have a solid, contributing second running back on the roster, I thought it was certainly possible that in his three games as the main guy, Jackson could put himself in position to leach significant carries away from Lynch the rest of the season – and that’s what he’s done. It remains to be seen if Jackson will have much value after this week, but he is certainly the biggest reason why I’m 2-0.

Clark ends up being one of the others, and I’m expectant of big things from him the rest of the season. I was pretty high on Clark at the TE position this season BEFORE the Anthony Gonzalez injury (in the role of Peyton Manning’s security blanket), but now he may be the Colts’ No. 2 WR, essentially, and has reestablished himself as a legit downfield threat who is difficult to cover with a linebacker. Clark may be the leading fantasy TE when all is said and done this season.