Bigger Champions of 2010 Futility: Redskins or Vikings?

Daniel Snyder and Zygi Wilf must be two of the most disgruntled men in the NFL right now. The former is the owner of the Washington Redskins while the latter possesses the Minnesota Vikings.

It must be a little rougher for Wilf at this juncture considering that he is losing massive amounts of revenue from relocating home dates to less lucrative options. This is in addition to the fact that he already had one of the least advantageous lease agreements in the league. His deals relating to suite money, parking, and concessions are not up to par compared to other franchises. At least Snyder can count on having one of the top attendance counts in the NFC East; along with the other benefits that come from being one of the highest profile teams on a consistent basis.

For now, let’s compare who’s been the bigger disappointment in 2010, and cover each area.

By Patrick Herbert

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Douchebracket Banks Regional Semifinals

Welcome to the d-bag bracket, a tournament deciding the most insufferable douchebags in all of sports. Please feel free to comment as much as possible  because your feedback will help determine who advances to the Final Four.

By Paul M. Banks

Regional Semi Final #2 Roger Clemens vs. #3 Notre Dame fans with no connection to the school

I think this game could be a national semifinal, not just a regional semifinal as many bracketologists across the country have picked these guys to be their national champions. It’s a lying cheater who threw his wife and close friends under the bus versus people who (for no valid reason) support a team that everyone hates, a team that doesn’t even have the luxury of being hated because they’re good.

How non-academically affiliated Notre Dame fans got here:
this was undoubtedly the stronger portion of the bracket. The #6 People who think Chris Berman is funny destroyed #11 ESPN’s Tim Tebow coverage but fell to ND fans by just one point after leading for 59 minutes of the game. ND had a tough first round opponent in Tyler Hansbrough, who gets more irritating every time he pumps his effete, short T-Rex like arms in celebration, but Psycho T. the man with the worst nickname in all of sports was no match for this group on St. Patrick’s Day when these douchebags are all out in full force. And remember, Chicago has two parades and essentially celebrates the Irish drinking holiday on three separate days each year.

But NOT anymore! After 31 years the city of Chicago suspended the South side Irish parade due to the drunken tomfoolery and rowdiness of inebriated by 10 am hooligans. 54 people were arrested! More than the night Chicago people turned over cars to “celebrate” the Bulls title. You know those morons were probably wearing shamrock beeds, those plastic green hats called…I don’t know those dorky hats that homoerotic dancing men wear and diddley-boppers on their heads. What else were these likely non-high school educated people wearing? Probably plenty of Notre Dame merchandise. And good riddance to the South Side Irish parade. I grew up about 20 minutes from where it takes place, lived in the Chicago area most of my life, and been to it a grand total of one time. And one time too many!

How Roger Clemens got here: by being Roger Clemens and routing Illini fans complaining about the refs in round one. That was the most lopsided game in the tourney so far. Supporters of a fellow juicehead, Barry Bonds, met Clemens in the second round after the seven seed cruised past Peyton Manning’s incessant commercials. These 10 over 7 mild upsets can sometimes be easy to predict. Clemens cheated on his wife with a washed-up drug addicted country singer when she was barely legal meaning he deserved a victory over a group of people who (like followers of Intelligent Design) are too stupid or pig-headed to believe in simple science. But Bonds today is too much of a pariah to see his acolytes advance further in this bracket.

Regional Semi Final  #8 Pro Chief Illiniwek Zealots vs. #13 University of Michigan Fans

A lot of office pools had broken brackets in this side of the regional. While seedings held in the lower part of the bracket, chaos ruled in the upper portion. But consider that II got hate mail from Chief Illiniwek fans just this past week, and a Michigan fan (who didn’t attend the school by the way) actually de-friended me on Facebook for talking trash after Illini won their meeting in the Big Ten tournament. Seriously, you (and you know who you are) started the smack talk but can’t handle the response- LAME! These two groups of irritating Big Ten backers found their way into the Sweet Sixteen.

How the Pro-Chief people got here: First they survived a 6 overtime thriller with the anti-Chief zealots because I had trouble deciding which group was truly the bigger collection of losers besmirching the reputation of my alma mater. In round two I realized that “The General” hasn’t been that relevant as a coach in ages and some of his work on ESPN isn’t half bad. And since he hasn’t choked anyone, attacked any kids simply because they greeted him or laid his convoluted and regressive world views on us lately, he was ripe for a shocking upset in round two. He was also likely tired from his round one slugfest with the drunken and baseball illiterate subset of Cubs fans. That contest came down to a buzzer beater that’s still under review.

How U of M fans got here:
The #4 seed Over-commercialization of Sportscenter was a sleeper pick in many tournament pick’em games, so this might have been the upset of the tourney so far. But Sportscenter still at least has some stats and charts wedged in there with all the self-promotion, cross promotion and segments starring Rick Reilly that appeal to the brain-dead. Once again #12 upset #5 as the annoyance of Chase Daniel is much more fresh in my mind than that of the Back-stabbing Judas, Eric Gordon. Besides Kelvin Sampson was the real enemy and douchebag of that situation and he’s seeded in Peter Christian’s regional. UM fans had no problem dismissing Chase Daniel’s douchitude as he will now descend into obscurity for the rest of his life.

Douchebracket Banks Regional

Welcome to the d-bag bracket, a tournament deciding the most insufferable douchebags in all of sports. Please feel free to comment as much as possible, because your feedback will help determine who advances to the Final Four.

This is the bracket compiled by site founder Paul M. Banks

1. Bobby Knight-
Where do you start with this asshole? My heart goes out to his players and his children. Pat Knight is both, so he must have the highest pain tolerance of any human being alive.

2. Roger Clemens-
Quite possibly the worst liar in all history, Clemens’ used artificially enhanced brute strength to dumb down and destroy the intellectual element of strategy and finesse essential to the art of pitching. Great role model for kids too!

3. Notre Dame fans w/ no connection to the school-
Imagine if your school had the power to recruit fans based on ethnicity and religion. Then whenever you attended a game/alumni event featuring your alma mater, you could be surrounded by ignorant front-runner bandwagon jumping douchebags.

4. Over-commercialization & self-promotion of Sportscenter-
Remember when you were 14 and you stayed home from school and watched the replay of SC over and over again in the morning? It was easy to do then because the show was actually about stats, highlights and numbers- not promoting a cultural product of Disney or a crappy domestic beer

5. Eric “Basketball Judas” Gordon-
Indiana’s pathetic season has helped drop his seed down, but he still stabbed Illination in the back, just so he could ally himself with the biggest scumbag of college basketball

6. People who think Chris Berman is funny-
Unless you’re 9 years old or a huge fan of 70s rock, how can you find this bloated bloviating Bristol blowhole amusing? Are Bachman-Turner-Overdrive jokes about Eagles fullbacks that important in your life?

7. Peyton Manning’s incessant commercials-
He really does have a face for radio. Some of his ads are well-written, but they lose all their humor after the 4th or 5th showing. After the 3,456th showing, someone needs to be shot.

8. Pro-Chief Illiniwek zealots-
In a world with a climate crisis, an employment crisis, economic crisis, a healthcare crisis, the U.S. stuck in two unwinnable wars and whole host of other pressing issues, your pet cause is gonna be…perceived oppression by the p.c. police against a frat boy dancing for 5 minutes at halftime? GET A LIFE!

9. Anti-Chief Illiniwek zealots-
It’s not like there’s a shortage of causes in the world. With all our problems, we need grassroots involvement to show our corporate and government (perhaps I’m being redundant there) leaders that the people want to see results in things that matter. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM!

10. People who think Barry Bonds didn’t use ‘roids-
There are tons of people who think Saddam was responsible for 9/11, there are people who think Bush, Cheney et al did not deliberately lie us into the Iraq war. Likewise there are millions of idiots who think Barry is being oppressed by a racist witch hunt. I’d don’t want to sound old and crotchety, but in my day we believed in simple facts. Basic truths are not optional to believe in.

11. ESPN’s Tim Tebow coverage-
That’s wonderful that he embraces his faith so openly; and goes on service missions that exhibit/fulfill his devotion. But you know what? I don’t give a shit! I don’t care what this overrated athlete does in his spare time away from the limelight- which will stop shinning on him after next football season. I can’t wait until he plays in a low level arena league, and there’s no more sycophantic coverage of this dbag.

12. Chase Daniel-
Would have been a bubble selection or NIT until the Alamo Bowl, when ESPN felt the need to show close-ups of the 5’9” QB’s family for the final 20 minutes! Outside of the Daniel family, WHO CARES!!?

13. U of Michigan grads, fans-
There’s a reason Wolverine fans are despised by fans of EVERY other school in the Big Ten. Yes, your school has some great graduate programs, but you didn’t go to medical school there! Yes, when the auto industry was rich and powerful, so was this school, but today Detroit is ready to entirely collapse, UM is a safety school for our nation’s smartest kids and you probably live in a Ypsilanti double-wide. And yes, your football team has a lot of proud moments- they all occurred decades before you were born.

14. Tyler Hansbrough-
Not even the best player on his team, let along the conference or the nation. But don’t tell that to Dickie V. and the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network.

15. Illini fans who incessantly bitch about bad calls- They’ll probably blame Dr. Chester Frazier’s injury on the refs too

16. Drunken, baseball illiterate Cub fans edges out Indiana ‘s circus clown warm-up pants in the play-in game.

I don’t hate the Cubs or their fans. I’m also totally fine with the fact that the local media slurps Cubbie Blue and gives much less attention to the White Sox. What I cannot tolerate though, are the LP Trixies and Trixymales that drink themselves retarded (ok, they’re more than halfway there sober), think Mark Grace is still on the team, and puke on the sidewalks in my neighborhood.

Bubble Burst

-The chick in the Progressive Insurance advertisements

-Former Iowa coaches (Bruce Pearl, Steve Alford etc.)

-The sight of Charlie Weiss