The 2014 BSPYs

erin-andrews-esy

Awards shows are self-congratulatory industry bacchanalia that we play voyeur to because we love watching rich and famous people be rich and famous and pretend to be humble.

Slap on a death montage and a lifetime achievement award of some sort to keep it from being a full blown orgy of how awesome everyone must think this specific entertainment medium being celebrated is.

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VOTE NOW! The Sports Bank Anti-Bracket Ty Cobb Regional Finals

The Ty Cobb Regional featured some stiff competition among losers. Brett Favre, Kurt Rambis, Harvey Updyke, Charlie Sheen and David Kahn highlighted the regional’s biggest failures. Much like the NCAA Tournament, the first two rounds featured some epic upsets and some orgasmic finales that would have made Gus Johnson keel over into a giant puddle of awesome-sauce.

By Peter Christian

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Douchebracket Peter Christian Regional

By Peter Christian

We’ve expanded the field to 65 Douchey entities this year, which means only one thing: Play-in game. Yep, you read that right. Of course, I lobbied and begged and pleaded to get the play-in game in my bracket just because I had the perfect matchup of awful that would fit perfectly into a Douchebracket play-in game. It helped that no one else really cared enough to take the play-in game away from me too. Let’s get to that match-up first.

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DOUCHEBRACKET REGIONAL SEMI-FINALS PETER CHRISTIAN REGIONAL

By Peter Christian

 Welcome to the d-bag bracket, a tournament deciding the most insufferable douchebags in all of sports. Please feel free to comment as much as possible, because your feedback will help determine who advances to the Final Four.

#9 Jay Mariotti vs. #12 Rick Reilly

The two once hyped sports writers who have fallen on hard times as they lost touch with their industry and their audience. Mariotti’s whiny bitchiness on Around the Horn coupled with his quitting of the Chicago Sun-Times is sure to be a tough match-up for Reilly’s moaning about the internet blogosphere and complete unwillingness to progress his writing style. However, douchey pictures of Reilly floating around the internet may be the “X” “Y” and “Z” factors in this match made in heaven face-off.

How they got here:

Mariotti beat #8 seed Kelvin Sampson in the first round rather easily due to Sampson really trying to hide from the spotlight. Sampson’s past transgressions against the storied Indiana basketball program was able to keep him competitive in the first half, but Mariotti put Sampson away by yelling loudly about sports topics that no one really argues about. In the second round, Mariotti jumped all over the OKC NBA Franchise (who made easy work of Pac-Man Jones in the first round due to Jones’ inability to make it rain with quarters and dime-bags) by using borderline slanderous and libelous statements about more than half of the OKC roster. In the end, Mariotti won the douchey match-up in the paint against Clay Bennett by hypocritically calling Bennett out for jumping from a sinking ship.

 

Rick Reilly was the perfect #12 seed hitting their stride at the right time and getting the match-up of a #5 seed (Mike Pereira) who peaked in mid-January. Reilly’s terrible writing and public attacks of sports blogs was way too much for the NFL Chief of Officiating Pereira’s defense of the officials terrible calls, even if they went against him. Ralph Macchio was even overheard saying early in the first half, “this is going to be a bloodbath!”

Reilly’s second round match-up was very emotional as he was forced to compete against one of Reilly’s favorite people to talk about. Tim Tebow repeated over and over about how he was going to use God’s will to lift himself up to victory, however Reilly’s holier than thou writing style was finally able to put Tebow in his place as he won in OT.

#3 Scott Boras vs. #7 A-Rod

Yes it is client vs. agent in this Sweet 16 match-up. Boras and A-Rod are both completely comfortable in showing off their lack of a soul. Boras v. A-Rod is guaranteed to be one of those events that will be talked about in years to come. Laettner’s shot against Kentucky will have nothing on this match-up. Boras’ ability to self-serve and manipulate everyone around him will be the keys to Boras moving around. A-Rod will have to prove that he can take control of a situation, while continuing his lack of any sense of judgment in order to take down his chief negotiator.

 

How they got here:

Boras scored the blow-out of the Regional in the first round by taking down #14 seed Bob Stoops. Boras was at his best in undermining the morals of all in attendance by convincing them that winning wasn’t as important as making the more money than you are worth is. Stoops was in shambles once he realized that he would much rather be aligned with Boras rather than against him. Boras also made easy work of the mental midget that was #11 seed Brad Childress. Although, Chili quickly caught on to Boras’ “winning isn’t important” method, Chili was left in the dust when Boras was making the fans pay for their tickets twice so that he could receive more of the gate receipts.

A-Rod struggled in his 1st round match-up against #10 seeded Ed Hochuli mostly because A-Rod was trying to pose provocatively with Ed’s biceps. However, late in the game, because of a terrible rule loophole, Ed cooked his own goose by blowing the whistle too early, which allowed A-Rod to continue talking about him being young, naïve and stupid. Ed apologized profusely after the call, even saying that if he could he would take the call back but that the rules in their current form just don’t allow it. His actual remorse allowed A-Rod to move on. #2 Seeded Roger Goodell (who took down financial moron Gary Bettman in round one by explaining revenue sharing, parity and an actual salary cap) was ahead of A-Rod for most of their second round match-up by continually making decisions that were considered to be anti-fun. However A-Rod was able to advance on a last second miracle when he pretended to kiss himself in a mirror to tie the game and then win by faking a serious hip injury so that he wouldn’t get booed at Yankee Stadium.