The Wolves Got Kahned

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“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn’t exist”

By Peter Christian

That is a line from one of my favorite movies of all time and has recently been running through in my head over and over. Not because I have an inkling to watch “The Usual Suspects” but because a man that I believe to be more divinely stupid and evil than anyone -other than Bernie Madoff or Spencer Pratt- struck again. David Kahn just picked up his limp and revealed himself to be the true Keyser Soze. The final straw has been broken.

Any faith I had left in the Timberwolves front office in taking steps towards turning their current puddle of piss situation around went away with the relatively minor signing by Philadelphia of Timberwolves free agent Rodney Carney. On its own, the official departure of Carney would have meant nothing to me (OK that’s not true, I really liked Carney last year and thought he could have been a good wing option for a team really thin in that area), but it was just another piece of evidence that David Kahn (Timberwolves VP of Basketball Ops since the end of May) is completely void of logic, basketball knowledge and any semblance of a plan whatsoever. Every Wolves headline has been proof that Kahn is a first class buffoon that has no business making a decision of which brand of toothpaste to buy, let alone being the sole man in charge of rebuilding the joke of a basketball team that the Minnesota Timberwolves have become.

It started with the way he handled the booting of Kevin McHale, continued with the trade of Randy Foye and Mike Miller for a stock pile of bad contracts and the 5th pick in the draft. At face value that trade could have been a winner. Instead Kahn sullied the situation by drafting the best point guard who’s already proved he can play with the best of the NBA by then following up and taking another top billed point guard. Instead of being in a position to have some youthful talent at two positions, Kahn loaded up at the same position and pissed off the prospect with a higher ceiling so much that he didn’t even come to the team.

Then there was the coach hired to run an offense that he hasn’t ever coached, the trade of three fan favorites for a player that filled a weakness and also gave the team another expiring contract and then the re-trade of that player for another expiring contract but at a position that helps the team about as much as I need an eyeball on the arch of my left foot. 86343355JP006_DRAFTPORTRAITS

In short, Kahn has turned a 24 win team that struggled to fill seats last year into a team that will be lucky to win 20 games and can’t even sell $5 seats. The Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor should be ready to go Mt. St. Helens on Kahn’s ass as he is prepping the team to lose more money than it has ever lost since Taylor bought the team in 1994. He should also be pissed as hell that Kahn turned two very valuable assets into a prospect that wants no part of the team. And David Kahn took on three turds with bad contracts to boot. Yet somehow has remained mum. I know if it was my money that Kahn was pissing away I’d be beating him with a rubber hose and throwing rocks at his teeth right now.
Worse than everything is Kahn’s arrogant attitude. In every interview he has given since being hired on May 22nd 2009 (when we started listening to the tale that Verbal Kint/Keyser Soze started spinning) Kahn has spoken to the interviewer as if they were a 4 year old child with a learning disability. If Kahn spoke to me like that, I would pull his eyeballs out through his earholes. I know I’m no NBA GM, but I know at least 2 dozen people who are able to hold their own in a conversation about basketball better than Kahn can.

Kahn may have fooled Glen Taylor and a select few of the media here in Minnesota, but not me. I know that his last name is simply just a phonetically spelled pronunciation of what he is trying to do to the Timberwolves. He messed up the Ricky Rubio situation so badly that it will be at least 2 years until he plays for the Wolves, but probably more (if at all) and if he is planning on just using his rights as an asset for another trade (if he does that it will screw up the franchise even more). Because it will be at the lowest point of Rubio’s value.

Kahn’s plan to build a winning basketball team has about as much chance to succeed as Gary Coleman in an Olympic High Jump event. He apparently never grasped the concept of “Buy Low, Sell High” and we should probably thank our lucky stars that he isn’t a manager of a hedge fund, a mutual fund advisor or a financial planner. In less than four months he has killed the Timberwolves chances at improving from last year. Remember, at one point Minnesota was one of the hottest teams in basketball before Al Jefferson got hurt. Kahn has completely demoralized any fan base that was left after the last couple seasons of suck with a completely illogical theory of “Buy High, Sell Low.”

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I don’t know what kind of screw job the Timberwolves/Glen Taylor put on Kahn in his former life, but he is returning the favor with gusto now. Keyser Soze would be proud.

A Quick Farewell to Quentin Richardson from a Minnesota Timberwolves Fan

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By Peter Christian

Thanks for the memories Quentin Richardson. Timberwolves fans are really going to miss… well, your name. While fans in Los Angeles, Phoenix and New York got to know you as a decent shooting guard with average NBA talent, the folks here in Minnesota only knew your name and as the reason that David Kahn gave up fan favorites Craig “Rhino” Smith and Mark “Mad-Dog” Madsen. Don’t feel bad though Quentin, you get to go play alongside your buddy Dwyane Wade in South Beach and let’s be honest, South Beach vs. Minneapolis in December/January isn’t even a fair comparison.

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Timberwolves fans aren’t stupid. They know that David Kahn traded you for the whiny, slow, soft and passive Mark Blount to cut salary (because Blount’s final contract year has a lower buyout price than yours does) even though you were the one veteran player on the team that really fits into the supposed “uptempo offense” that Kahn wants new coach Kurt Rambis to run. Plus you were the best option to start at the two guard on the team. Now the Timberwolves are (barring any other signings, trades or head scratching transactions) likely going to count on the poor shooting, poor scoring Corey Brewer to be the shooting guard at the tip off of the game.

We also know that your departure at this point in the season means the Timberwolves got what was likely the lowest possible value for you, which is NOT a good thing when it comes to rebuilding a crappy franchise. If however, the anti-genius that goes by the name of David Kahn had allowed you to get some decent playing time and allow you to inflate your value a little bit, the Timberwolves could have likely flipped you for something more valuable than a less expensive, easier bought out, expiring contract than what you have.

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Instead, Mr. Kahn bought high, sold low (in the game of investing, that is a no-no by the way) and caused the team’s guard pool to become even more depleted. For the record, let it be shown that Kahn has traded three guards, one guard/forward and let two more guards walk via free agency while keeping two guards from last year’s team and drafting three guards, one of which has indicated that he likely will not play with the Timberwolves this season. By my simple math that means that Kahn smashed the cardinal rule of being a GM of a professional sports organization (trade from depth to fill your holes) by doing the complete opposite (traded for depth from one of your shallowest positions).

I’m sure none of this even bothers you anymore because you are already chatting up with D-Wade on Twitter about how sweet it is going to be to workout together all summer long and then play side by side in Miami. You are probably really pumped, which you should be. You just avoided playing a single game for a team that is run by a guy who seems determined to piss off his fans at all cost.

Now excuse me I am going to go and slam my car door on my head repeatedly.

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Happy Trails Q, we barely even knew you,

Peter Christian