I sincerely hope the Chicago Blackhawks win Game 7 in Anaheim Saturday night; and then go on win the Stanley Cup Final. I am rooting FOR the team. What I am rooting AGAINST is Chicago Blackhawks Playoffs Twitter; in all its forms.
I want the Blackhawks to win it all. I want Blackhawks Playoffs Twitter to die; quickly.
Before we get to making fun of people/stuff, I should point out that there are plenty of great accounts to follow during Blackhawks games.
Of course, these accounts, and other intelligent Tweeters in this vein are “the 1%ers” of Blackhawks Playoffs Twitter.
Viewing the Tweets of the 99% is akin to sniffing liquid adhesive or repeatedly banging your head into an oak table.
Blackhawks Playoffs Twitter or #BlackhawksPlayoffsTwitter makes a Skip Bayless versus Stephen A. Smith shouting match look high brow.
Anything Else Twitter > Blackhawks Playoffs Twitter.
Blackhawks Playoffs Twitter gets worse every season.
The better the team gets, the worse the fans on Twitter become. How awful it has gotten these days is the ultimate compliment to how good the team truly is. And yes, I do write this kind of op-ed/essay/blog/rambling every year at this time because the Western Conference Final is “just part of the schedule for us every year,” to quote an Atlanta Braves fan at Wrigley Field during the 2003 NLDS.
Naturally, I responded “yes, it’s mostly Ls appearing on the Braves’ schedule come postseason.”
This year’s edition takes itself 51% less serious than the 2014 edition, and this essay is 38% snarkier, with 23% less vitriol than the 2013 version. Still it’s mandated that we do a little refresher on what kind of Tweets I’m talking about.
1. Use of excessive ALL CAPS TWEETS to denote that YOU’RE SHOUTING
2. One-to-two word only tweets
SAAD!
KNEEL BEFORE SAAD!
SAADFATHER
KANER
GOAL!!!!!!!!!!
FOUR!!!
4!!!
5
#BecauseItsTheCup
Imagine all of life in the style of Blackhawks Playoff Twitter. What if Blackhawks Playoff Twitter took over the world. Here’s me ironically Tweeting yesterday’s weather in this manner (Tweeting it from Orland Park just heightens the effect):
https://twitter.com/PaulMBanks/status/604030830470680576
3. Score/time remaining/play-by-play
Unless you’re an account that Tweets about the same team all the time, or an official account, there is no need to Tweet play-by-play. We don’t need score updates either. Anybody who cares is already watching it on TV, or looking it up online. This goes for journalists too; not just the average fan.
Hey, I understand, I’ve been there.
I know life in the press box includes long hours with plenty of down time. While being surrounded by people with very poor social skills. I get that you feel compelled to Tweet something, anything, in order to watch the game more actively; to feel like you’re contributing something beyond your feature stories and recaps. You feel obligated to give an insider perspective in under 140 characters because you have been granted that special right to access. But trust me, these kinds of Twitter postings are a waste of everyone’s time.
The Chicago Cubs are getting good again.
If they start making the playoffs with regularity; look out. (Or Should I say “LOOK OUT!!!!!!”)
Cubs Playoffs Twitter, if it happens, has the potential to be ten times more idiotic than Blackhawks Playoff Twitter. I can picture it now:
CUBS! OCTOBER!!!!
SOLER!!!!
KRISBRYANTMAS
HR TO THE RIZZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, no one remembers this now, but the pre-2008 Blackhawks were about as popular as your average MLS franchise or AAA baseball team. This lack of history = a lot of fans with very little hockey acumen.
If I may quote first album Kanye
“he ain’t talking about me though.”
“Who am I talking about then?”
If you’re still reading this, and you’ve made it all the way down here, then yes, I’m certainly not talking about you. Because you’re more intelligent and possess a bigger attention span than the people I’m making fun of.
I know what you’re saying “just mute those people.”
Yes, but that’s a game of whack-a-mole. Knock one down; several more pop up.
Or “just avoid Twitter during Hawks games.”
It’s what I usually do, but scheduling Twitter avoidance, when you run your own media business for a living and you reside in 2015 is akin to “your water is going to be shut off during the day tomorrow from 9-5.”
Why should I change to accommodate the unoriginal?
John Oliver completely nailed it when he said the term social media expert is “a title that doesn’t mean anything, like People’s Choice Award nominee.”
So all social media advice is useless. Including the 900 words you just read.
Paul M. Banks owns, operates and writes The Sports Bank.net, which is partnered with Fox Sports Digital. Banks, a former writer for the Washington Times, currently contributes to the Chicago Tribune RedEye edition. He also appears regularly on numerous sports talk radio stations all across the country.
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