We’re just one week away from Major League Baseball Opening Day 2023, and you know what that means- ballclubs emailing and social media-ing their promos of what’s new at their home ballpark this upcoming season.
Typically, these press releases and social media posts have little to no news value…beyond the stuff about the new food items at the park. But the Chicago Cubs 2023 season opening release had one attachment- which was unintentionally hilarious. Behold this Photo Shop creation:
If you’re wondering what the hell this is, no it isn’t what happens when you mate a Pixabay stock photos folder with the promos to Baz Luhrmann’s film version of The Great Gatsby. (Although there is no pro athlete anywhere, with a name that belongs in that movie/book than Dansby Swanson)
According to the Cubs, and brace yourself for all the product promotion you’re about to be subjected to:
As part of a multiyear partnership with C.D. Peacock, the “Official Jewelry and Watch Partner” of the Cubs and Wrigley Field, fans will notice a new addition to the ballpark this season—a new trophy room located inside the Marquee Gate entrance, adjacent to the C.D. Peacock Premier Entrance lobby. The new trophy room will house the 2016 World Series Championship trophy and will be open to fans on gamedays only.
Again this is why 99% of press releases go unopened and then straight to the trash folder- because they’re commercials, not news.
Anyway, a few things to take away from that “artist rendering” thing, which looks like the visual jokes in your given late night talk show host’s monologue. (Remember those are intentionally bad for comedic effect)
-The little kid, center right, is horrified. Perhaps it’s because it just sunk in how low the Cubs rank on quite a few of the FanGraphs positional rankings this preseason.
-The kid’s mother is absolutely only there as a hostage. She is definitely on some kind of sedative as she attempts to survive this day at the ballpark.
-David Schwmmer, in the middle left, or maybe that is Jay Cutler, has really let himself go. Seems like he’s a good day though.
-We should party with the stoners in the far right, instead of hanging out with the worst Priceline.com commercial ever on the far left.
The Chicago Cubs open the season, at home, with the I-94 rivalry on Thurs March 30. #NextStartsHere
Paul M. Banks is the owner/manager of The Sports Bank. He’s also the author of “Transatlantic Passage: How the English Premier League Redefined Soccer in America,” and “No, I Can’t Get You Free Tickets: Lessons Learned From a Life in the Sports Media Industry.”
He’s written for numerous publications, including the New York Daily News, Sports Illustrated and the Chicago Tribune. He regularly appears on NTD News and WGN News Now. Follow the website on Twitter and Instagram.