Tim Tebow’s Re-training Won’t Help His Draft Stock

By Paul M. Banks

Recently, St. Tim Tebow (the mainstream media has officially canonized him) began work to completely revolutionize his throwing delivery. So you know what that means? For the first time in football history, one guy working out by himself for the NFL draft will get incessant media coverage. If you only follow this story, you can gather everything you need to know about his NFL Draft stock this April. (And if you read the ESPN story I linked to you’ll see yet another example of how bad ESPN and CBS’ man-crush on him truly is)

The very fact that he’s attempting to undo so many habits that he’s had his whole life in football tells you he’s not ready for the next level, and he certainly knows it. The fact that we (and everyone else in the football world) is talking about this also exemplifies why he’ll be drafted; somewhere.

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Florida’s Urban Meyer Resigns Due to Heart Muscle Defect

By Alex Simon and Paul M. Banks

First Billy Donovan, now Urban Meyer has unexpectedly stepped down. However, Meyer is not leaving the University of Florida for another job. And his reasons for leaving are far more serious than money offered by the Orlando Magic. Tonight he stunned the college football world with his announcement that he is stepping down as coach due to a non-life threatening heart muscle defect. Meyer resigns while residing at the pinnacle of the college football world, with the Gators going 56-and-10 with two national championships during his five seasons at the Swamp.

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More Coverage? Tebow playing b-ball or Tyler playing Football?

tebowcross1

Point-Counterpoint by H. Jose Bosch and Paul M. Banks

Another week of college football, and you know what that means: another week of the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network whoring Syracuse QB (and former Duke basketball star) Greg Paulus in their coverage. And now that he’s actually won a game (thanks Northwestern secondary, you just had to have your first 2 CBs banged up THAT week, so that Paulus’s wide receivers could make him look good) expect the overexposure to be even worse. hansbrough_bloody

Within this framework, we thought about what might happen if ESPN’s other 2 overwhelmingly favorite college athletes switched sports? What if Tim Tebow played college basketball? What if Tyler Hansbrough played football?

1 First Tim Tebow made heaven & earth 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Tim Tebow was moving over the face of the waters. 3 And Tim Tebow said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4 And Tim Tebow saw that the light was good; and Tim Tebow separated the light from the darkness…And Tim Tebow saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2 And on the seventh day Tim Tebow finished his work which he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had done.

In all seriousness, when I tried to replace God with Tim Tebow the computer asked me why I was replacing a word with the same word. Crazy.

But Tim Tebow can do nothing wrong in the world. To think that Psycho T would get more press than Tebow is crazy. They took a freaking Tebow postgame quote and made it into a plaque for goodness sake. All Tebow needs to do is exist and everyone wets themselves.
tebow-christ2

The biggest difference between the two is that Tebow clearly works hard but looks like an athlete. Hansborough works hard and looks like he has the mental capabilities of a gym sock out there. His style is like that player who tries too hard during a pick up games except he wins national championships and my shots …. er … that player’s shots go over the backboard.

Just accept it Paul, Tim Tebow could quit football right now and he will be considered a bigger success than the two of us…even if we found the cure for cancer; which is Tim Tebow’s tears.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

(Sorry Chuck Norris, but Tim Tebow tears are much better. In fact, did you know that Chuck Norris looks in the morning every day and thinks to himself, “God, I wish I was Tim Tebow.” To which God replies, “So do I.”)
–HJB

Wow! It’s very tough to respond to that. Hard to argue against the laws of divinity. I always knew That Tim Tebow=Jesus, or that he was this generation’s messiah, but I didn’t know that he was in fact, God himself. Oh wait, Jesus is the son of man, and the human embodiment of God, while also being the son of God. So I guess by transitive property on inequality, Tebow=God. I’m not sure. That part of the Bible, like the rest of the book, is very vague and mysterious to me.
But what does all this make Tyler Hansbrough? Well, he’s hard working. And energetic. And he works really hard expending a lot of energy. And he brings a lot of energy to all the hard work that he does. And he’s extremely competitive in the hard work that he does. Work that he does with tremendous energy. You might have heard that Psycho T “is a tremendous competitor” who “does all the things that don’t show up in the stat sheet,” and he does all these things with “a blue-collar work ethic” and that he’s also hard-working. Blue-collar even.

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So if you work a blue-collar job and you’re relaxing from working hard like Tyler Hansbrough, you must by law, (or by God’s will, make that Tim Tebow’s will) love Tyler. There is no other way. His hard work, and energy, must be adored at all times by everyone. Because he’s “what’s right with this game” “what’s right with college basketball” and everything that’s right in America, in the world, in the universe. Tyler Hansbrough’s work ethic is so powerful it’s the karmic polar opposite of strip-mining, child pornography, and clubbing baby seals all rolled into one.

Tyler Hansbrough’s energy and work ethic is to basketball what pictures of kittens and puppies are to being cute. Resistance is futile, If you don’t like Psycho T. you don’t like college basketball, or basketball at all. Or sports, or pizza, or looking at girlie magazines, or even breathing for that matter. Tyler Hansbrough is better, and more important than all these things. If you are not with Hansbrough, than you are with the terrorists. He is to the secular world, what Tebow is to the heavenly.

school_of_athens

So basically HJB, I see your point, but basically you and I are having a debate which is the sports media equivalent of Aristotle and Plato in Raphael’s famous Fresco painting, at the Vatican, “School of Athens”. In the center of the foreground, Plato points down to signal that the answers to life are to be found here on Earth, in the secular realm. Aristotle, points upward to the Heavesn signifying that the answers are to be found in the cosmos. Which is what this debate boils down to. But I win this round for another reason. Psycho T. would be playing America’s Game:football which would get all the headlines. Tebow is playing basketball- which is just not as popular. Sorry. Game. Set. Match.

–PMB

God Might Actually Hate Tim Tebow

timtebowgirlfriend

By Paul M. Banks

Perhaps the best compliment one can get is a backlash. Because backlash can only occur when someone or something has become popular enough…to be overexposed and start turning people off. This fall, the Tim Tebow backlash will take off!

From the beginning of my hate-hate relationship with University of Florida QB Tim Tebow, I noticed the supposed chinks in his armor. He was home-schooled throughout high school, but under Florida law was still allowed to play organized ball in the district where he lived, which was also questionable itself because he made a special move to an apartment in Jacksonville in order to play for pass-happy Nease High. So my first impression of the “onward Christian soldiers” QB is that he’s the creepy home-schooled kid who also grew up to be the BMOC at the biggest jock school in the country. That in itself is an interesting story; but not after it’s been told 536, 756 times.

Today, Tebow acolytes have created numerous websites fawning over him. Some claim Tebow is the highest form of biological evolution, but maybe Tebow doesn’t believe in evolution, so who knows if he’d be flattered or not by that comment.  According to Eastern Seaboard Programming Network, and the rest of the mainstream media who have whored him these past three years, the Gators QB is Superman, God, Jesus, or simply what happens when someone artificially (or perhaps immaculately) makes a child with from the raw material of Jesus, God and Superman.tim-tebowscreaming

Of course, even I’ll admit that he’s a very good football player, but it makes me nauseous that I have to spend yet another college football season getting even more sick and tired of hearing about him. Yes he wins championships and awards but he also spends a great deal of time yelling and acting like a moron. Yet people claim he’s such a good leader. That he’s “fiery” and “energetic.”

He’s simply football Tyler Hansbrough. Part of the reason he has all those records and awards…he wasn’t good enough to leave school early!

I don’t have a problem with Tebow being a devoted Christian, to each his or her own. But the pious evangelical Christianity that he and the PR people at UF flaunt at every opportunity: like his trips abroad to circumsize the penises of the unwashed is condescending. It’s like legislating morality upon us. Yes, we know he passes on the boobies and drunken debauchery on spring break in order to help Third World people shed the epitome of sin that is the foreskin, and that’s fine that he chooses to do it, but do we have to be told OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!

No college athlete in the history of sports has had the entire press roll over as lapdogs for him. A journalist actually asked him at an SEC media day, “Why are you special?” Seriously, whoever did that needs their credentials forever revoked NOW.

There are plenty of experts saying his skills will translate to the next level and he will become a NFL star. And there are plenty of  experts saying his skills won’t. So maybe after this season, he’ll only be a glorified Chase Daniel. In the 2010s, Tebow might remembered as the Sarah Palin of college football, a flash-in-the-pan who was essentially much ado about nothing.

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Actually, I think God himself truly hates Tim Tebow. This may shock you when you consider all that he has going for him- (just look at the picture I led the article off with) pretty much anything and everything a dude could ask for. But this is why I know an almighty creator would despise Tebow.

Think about all the smoking hot slags at the school he goes to, and about how all his overcoverage and publicity makes all those panties drop for him. And what’s a primary belief among evangelical Christians? That any form of sex not within the confines of marriage and exclusively for the purpose of reproduction is heathen, immoral and will certainly bring plagues upon us all.

So if he wants to stay super Christy, Tebow can’t sleep with any of that tail he attracts. Seems like a horrible trick or prank for The Creator to play on him, so perhaps he hates him as much as I do. Or as much as I hate ESPN and company for fawning over him any chance they get.