TSB…Where Random Happens

By David Palmer

This is where I can clear my mind of all the inane things that are going on in and around the world of sports, pop culture and my life.

-Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger Woods y’all.  He’s back, and thank God, we can all start watching golf again.  I tried watching some tournament about a couple months ago, and hardly recognized anybody; meanwhile some guy who looked just like Harry Dunn, named Charley Hoffman, was winning.  What a joke, the PGA means nothing without Tiger.   Also, I can’t say how excited I am to see him in person at the PGA Championship this summer in Minneapolis.  Good Times.

-I recently realized my unique ability to be good at drinking, while being bad at drinking at the same time.  Let me explain, I am good at all the things that drinking alcohol entails, things like: games, bar hopping, holding my booze (most of the time), socializing, etc.  But, it turns out that I am really bad at the physical ability to get liquid into my mouth without getting it all over myself.  I spill on myself more than your average person, like at least once a day.  I’m like a small child.  Most of the time it’s water and doesn’t matter, but get me into a bar and I’m like the Exxon Valdez.  Spilling everywhere.  I’m not sure if there is anything that I can do about my condition, or what this means in the bigger context of things, but you’d think I’d have a better handle on it after 26 years of practice.

-So, what Starter jacket did you have?  I had a University of Michigan jacket, don’t ask me why, there’s no real reason.   I remember a time in the early 90’s when you were basically shunned if you didn’t have a Starter.  They were fashionable, yet surprisingly warm and functional with the large front pocket.  Now, it is jarring, and a little sad, to see anybody wearing a Starter jacket. A few weeks ago, I saw some lady who looked a little down on her luck wearing a Charlotte Hornets jacket.  I thought, 15 years ago, she would have been at the height of sports fashion, but now she’s just homeless.  I miss Starter jackets.

-I love shows like “Destroyed in Seconds” and “I Was Bitten”.  There is never any chance of things not ending up in a horrific, glorious disaster.  Just once I want to be watching one of those shows when the guy actually finishes the speedboat race.  Have you ever, EVER seen a speedboat highlight that hasn’t ended with some dude flipping around about a dozen times in the air, while his boat turns to shrapnel?  Didn’t think so.   Similarly, with the animal attack shows, there is really only one way it can turn out.  The guy walking around the Australian Outback, high on peyote, with really short shorts and poking his walking stick into holes is just asking to be bitten by the world’s most venomous snake, spider or scorpion.  Those kinds of people shouldn’t be given the vaccine.

-I watched “Good Will Hunting” for about the 572nd time last week.  I’m not sure if there is another movie out there that automatically makes me stop flipping through channels and watch the rest of it, every time.  The bar scene where Will meets Skylar after telling off the Harvard d-bag is one of my top ten movie scenes of all time.  Unfortunately, watching it made me realize that it also vexed three of its stars’ careers.  Robin Williams, Minnie Driver and Ben Affleck all have taken serious career dives since then.  None of them have made, what you could call, a legitimately good movie since then.

-Did anyone else play the game Hotbox as a kid?  No it doesn’t involve drugs, but it does involve lots of pain endorphins.  For those who didn’t play it, you had two bases and one person with a baseball glove at each base (with a ball).  Then everybody else got in a rundown between the two bases and whoever got tagged, was the new gloveman.  If it sounds simple and stupid, you are right.  It could get very heated with close plays and more lost skin due to sliding than Michael Jackson has lost due to plastic surgery.  The best part was the fact that it got infinitely more exciting the worse the weather conditions were, since rain allowed headfirst slides upwards of 15 feet.  I guess I just miss being able to have innocent fun.  Now we would just find a way to drink during it.