College Football 77 in 77: #69 UCLA Bruins



As beautiful as the women and weather are in Westwood, California, that’s how ugly the passing game is. It’s unfathomable to think this college football program once produced Troy Aikman, Tommy Maddox, Cade McKnown, Jay Schroeder and Steve Bono when you consider the UCLA Bruins finished 116th in passing last year and 104th in scoring. The passing game was LAUGHABLY BAD.

So was the job security of the coaching staff. Bruins assistant coaches had a lot in common with “YouTube Sensation” Alexandra Wallace, the babe who posted idiotic racist Anti-Asian ramblings on in the internet a couple days after the tsunami in Japan.

Both were forced to leave UCLA after thoroughly showing the campus how much they suck at life.

By Paul M. Banks


2010 was: a season of many coaching changes. This “L.A. Story” is one of coordinators and assistants getting canned left and right as UCLA alum Rick Neuheisel grasped at straws to keep his seat from getting hotter than the thought of those cheerleaders in bikinis.

(By the way, have you seen “L.A. Story?” Great movie! Very underrated, witty ’90s comedy. Steve Martin basically plays himself: a media professional who often must downplay his own intelligence, and instead pander to the lowest common denominator because that’s where his money is made. Reminds me of this guy I know who could incorporate his vast knowledge of math, science and history into his writing, but instead consistently posts pictures of hot babes because that’s where the page views and dollars come from. Even more coincidence, the main character’s best friend is a sharp, irreverent Asian woman who is complicit in his goofy eccentricities and ironic relation to humanity at large; basically the only way either individual can coexist with the mainstream populace)

Oh yeah, the Bruins sucked, they went 4-8 last year.

BMOCs: the 2nd rated QB recruit in the nation Brett Hundley. Why not just hand over the reigns and start over? If Neuheisel starts Richard Brehut or Kevin Prince at QB, he’s only playing politics with the position; the politics of failure. And like the alien Kang said on one of the Halloween episodes of ‘The Simpsons,” “the politics of failure have failed.”

There are targets to throw to in TE Anthony Barr and WR Taylor Embree. RB Johnathan Franklin is THE MAN. He will carry the offense. Backup Derrick Coleman isn’t bad either. Especially for someone who’s already accomplished so much with the New Jersey Nets and Syracuse Orange. (That’s a joke- please don’t become another one of our commenters who doesn’t get our jokes and types like they’re wearing a tin foil hat)

2011 will be fruitful if: UCLA is able to petition the NCAA to outlaw the forward pass, so they’ll have no choice but run every down. Wait, this might backfire because the only thing as bad as UCLA’s passing game (well, almost as bad, because very few things in life -cold sores, traffic jams, Lindsay Lohan’s singing, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ideas about engagement rings– are as bad as UCLA’s passing game) is their run defense rank which ranked 108th. So then their opponents would get to run every down against a bad Bruins front that will now be sans OLB Akeem Ayers, and S Rahim Moore for fill-in run support.

Both will probably be busts in the NFL, but that’s another story.

2011 will be awful if: Everything I’ve read about this team and said here comes true. Hey, experts have been wrong before.


Bottom Line: To quote the late Randy Newman in “I Love L.A.”

Look at that mountain
Look at those trees
Look at that bum over there, man
He’s down on his knees
Look at these women
There ain’t nothin’ like ’em nowhere

Very true.

It’s just coincidence that a school with insanely, ridiculously hot women ended up #69 (the most sexualized number in American pop culture history) in our countdown. (Even if one of those gorgeous babes is indeed a semi-retarded bigot)

Look at the women all you want, just don’t look at that hideous, pathetic attempt at a passing offense, which finished 118th/120 in passing efficiency. Some 3-9, maybe a little bit of 4-8 looks likely. Come to think of it, why did I even rate them this high?

I’ve just been told Randy Newman is not actually dead. But the Bruins postseason hopes are.



#70 Nevada Wolfpack

#71 Ole Miss Rebels

#72 Hawaii Warriors

#73 Colorado Buffaloes

#74 NIU Huskies

#75 Army Black Knights

#76 Indiana Hoosiers

#77 Minnesota Golden Gophers

Paul M. Banks is CEO of The Sports He’s also a regular contributor to Chicago Now, Walter, Yardbarker, and Fox Sports You can follow him on Twitter


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