Media’s Dire need for Tim Tebow to Succeed

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The case of St. Tim Tebow is an interesting one. The media blatantly and obviously want him to succeed professionally. And I can’t think of any other case that comes even remotely close. If he doesn’t make it in the NFL, the mainstream football media will probably collectively commit suicide. I asked an expert on the topic, Clay Travis, if he could recall any other athlete who had the media acting as a de facto PR agent on their behalf.

By Paul M. Banks

Travis, who authored a chapter entitled “Tim Tebow is God” in his book “Dixieland Delight,” had this to say:

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Florida Gator QBs ALWAYS bust in the NFL

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By Paul M. Banks

Look out Tim Tebow acolytes! No matter what University of Florida signal-callers accomplish in college football, they always seem to crash-and-burn in the NFL!

Ever since the bone-headedly inexplicable 25th pick of the 2010 NFL Draft, there’s been a lot of hype in Denver about what Tebow could do as a Bronco. His jersey is the runaway best seller among rookies. He’s been spotted walking across the Colorado river and turning mountain spring water into wine. But before you hail him as the next Elway, remember that history is NOT on his side. And I’m not talking about the obvious loop in his throwing motion either.

The NFL is where UF quarterback careers go to die. And here’s some of the more recent and infamous headstones.

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Douchebracket Banks Regional Finals

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By Paul M. Banks

Remember to comment in the threads below, because your feedback will help determine who advances to play for the douchebag national title.

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Douchebracket Banks Regional

By Paul M. Banks

It’s that time of year again! The 2nd annual douchebracket; which is exactly what it sounds like, a tournament of douchitude. In last year’s inaugural event, my regional finalist, “Notre Dame fans with no genuine school affiliation” routed Rachel Nichols in the title game. The earlier rounds were much more exciting as Alex Rodriguez out-lasted his agent, Scott Boras in the finals of Peter’s regional and then had the ND fans on the ropes until A-Rod choked away the national semi-final.  The Notre Dame fans were aided by 1.) this tourney coincides with St. Patrick’s Day 2.) Chicago’s Southside Irish parade got so unruly last year that the event was indefinitely terminated. In the other semifinal, Rachel Nichols routed Ronnie Woo Woo.

#1 Tim Tebow Media Coverage vs. #16 Joe Francis

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Jacksonville fans don’t want Tebow

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By Paul M. Banks

No prospective 3rd-6th round NFL Draft pick has been as publicized or as scrutinized as ex-Florida QB Tim Tebow. From Senior Day to the Combine to his own personal workouts, no other potential NFL Draft pick as received even a miniscule fraction of the coverage that Tebow has. And certainly no player projected to be as drafted as low as Tebow received even 1/1,000,000 of the publicity that Tebow has inspired. And it all makes perfect sense given that no college athlete in history has garnered the unconditional love from the media that Tebow has.

But all that positive publicity still hasn’t sold the  Jacksonville Jaguars ticket-buying fanbase.

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Tim Tebow’s Re-training Won’t Help His Draft Stock

By Paul M. Banks

Recently, St. Tim Tebow (the mainstream media has officially canonized him) began work to completely revolutionize his throwing delivery. So you know what that means? For the first time in football history, one guy working out by himself for the NFL draft will get incessant media coverage. If you only follow this story, you can gather everything you need to know about his NFL Draft stock this April. (And if you read the ESPN story I linked to you’ll see yet another example of how bad ESPN and CBS’ man-crush on him truly is)

The very fact that he’s attempting to undo so many habits that he’s had his whole life in football tells you he’s not ready for the next level, and he certainly knows it. The fact that we (and everyone else in the football world) is talking about this also exemplifies why he’ll be drafted; somewhere.

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Tim Tebow Thanks CBS, ESPN for Deeming him Jesus

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By Paul M. Banks

In the modern age of media, no college athlete has ever been as unjustly deified as Tim Tebow. The only other collegiate jock the press has come even remotely close to undeservedly lionizing is Tyler Hansbrough. And on Tuesday night, in New York City’s Waldorf-Astoria hotel, the University of Florida quarterback recognized the way college football networks have fawned over him these past four years.

Tebow was awarded (like they were going to give it to anyone else?) the 20th William V. Campbell Trophy, formerly the Draddy Trophy, given annually to the NFF’s Scholar-Athlete of the Year.Tebow took time in his acceptance speech to thank both ESPN and CBS for their coverage of college football, and made special mention of the dedicated efforts of CBS’s Craig Silver and ESPN’s Chris Fowler (two of Tebow’s biggest de facto PR flaks).

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Houston QB Case Keenum for Heisman

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By Paul M. Banks

You know these quarterback names: Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow. Even people who have never been interested in college football have heard of Tebow, or at least they’ve heard the ginormous hype surrounding him. But there’s no ginormous hype surrounding Houston Cougars QB Case Keenum, who’s put up the biggest passing numbers in the nation. Compare these stats:

Keenum
Comp Att % Y Td Int
144 210 69 1696 13 2

3rd nationally for TD passes and Yards, 5th in completion percentage

Tebow
44 68 65 643 6 1

McCoy
103 145 71 1145 9 5

Keenum doesn’t play in a power conference, therefore his team receives little national publicity. However, prior to last Saturday’s 58-41 loss to UTEP (Hey, he doesn’t play defense) his Cougars were ranked #12 in the nation. In 2009, Keenum has victories over another pass-happy program in Texas Tech and also Oklahoma State, ranked 5th at the time. But the buzz that started to gather dissipated last week in the wake of the loss to the unranked Miners. Keenum did his part though, going a ridonkulous 51-76 for 536, 5 TDs, no INTs. “It’s not really a whole lot of fun when you don’t win. You can put up a bunch of stats, but it wasn’t the way we wanted it to turn out,” Keenum said on conference call Tuesday.

Keenum was also asked about the eye-popping stats he and his team have put up so far this year. “We look at a few stats that matter, how we do on 3rd downs and in the red zone. And of course, the Ws, but we don’t really look at those other stats right now. The rest are for the end of the year, when we can reflect,” he responded.keenum

His Cougars are 2-0 against BCS schools this season and will face another opponent of that sort in the SEC’s Mississippi State. It’s yet another opportunity for him to step up as the bright lights shine upon him, perhaps prompting more people to compare him to recent Houston QBs with legendary careers: David Klingler, Andre Ware, Kevin Kolb (a name somehow pronounced Cobb).

“It’s definitely cool and an honor to be mentioned in the same sentence as those guys, I take it not lightly. I know Kevin pretty well. They’ve all done great things and continue to do great things. I appreciate those kind of compliments,” Keenum stated.

Being this is Armed Forces appreciation week in college football I asked Keenum his reflections on playing in the Armed Forces Bowl. “I remember being on the field for the coin toss, and I wasn’t paying attention to who I was shaking hands with, but I saw 4 stars and it was General Petreaus, so it was petty neat to meet a guy like that. It was pretty cool there, the atmosphere, all the different armed forces at the stadium, the events surrounding the game, the different speakers they brought in. And it’s something that there needs to be more of. I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” he articulated.

I followed up by asking his thoughts about comparing football to war. “You always hear “It’s a fight, it’s a battle, it’s a war,” every week and I’ve never really agreed with it, especially in times like now. I don’t think we can really compare what we do to what they do overseas, laying down their lives so that we can do what we do. In football there’s injuries and stuff, and a few people do lose their lives here and there, but it’s nothing like the risks those men and women take. So I don’t like to compare it in that way, because they’re doing something that means so much more,” Keenum responded.

More Coverage? Tebow playing b-ball or Tyler playing Football?

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Point-Counterpoint by H. Jose Bosch and Paul M. Banks

Another week of college football, and you know what that means: another week of the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network whoring Syracuse QB (and former Duke basketball star) Greg Paulus in their coverage. And now that he’s actually won a game (thanks Northwestern secondary, you just had to have your first 2 CBs banged up THAT week, so that Paulus’s wide receivers could make him look good) expect the overexposure to be even worse. hansbrough_bloody

Within this framework, we thought about what might happen if ESPN’s other 2 overwhelmingly favorite college athletes switched sports? What if Tim Tebow played college basketball? What if Tyler Hansbrough played football?

1 First Tim Tebow made heaven & earth 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Tim Tebow was moving over the face of the waters. 3 And Tim Tebow said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4 And Tim Tebow saw that the light was good; and Tim Tebow separated the light from the darkness…And Tim Tebow saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2 And on the seventh day Tim Tebow finished his work which he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had done.

In all seriousness, when I tried to replace God with Tim Tebow the computer asked me why I was replacing a word with the same word. Crazy.

But Tim Tebow can do nothing wrong in the world. To think that Psycho T would get more press than Tebow is crazy. They took a freaking Tebow postgame quote and made it into a plaque for goodness sake. All Tebow needs to do is exist and everyone wets themselves.
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The biggest difference between the two is that Tebow clearly works hard but looks like an athlete. Hansborough works hard and looks like he has the mental capabilities of a gym sock out there. His style is like that player who tries too hard during a pick up games except he wins national championships and my shots …. er … that player’s shots go over the backboard.

Just accept it Paul, Tim Tebow could quit football right now and he will be considered a bigger success than the two of us…even if we found the cure for cancer; which is Tim Tebow’s tears.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

(Sorry Chuck Norris, but Tim Tebow tears are much better. In fact, did you know that Chuck Norris looks in the morning every day and thinks to himself, “God, I wish I was Tim Tebow.” To which God replies, “So do I.”)
–HJB

Wow! It’s very tough to respond to that. Hard to argue against the laws of divinity. I always knew That Tim Tebow=Jesus, or that he was this generation’s messiah, but I didn’t know that he was in fact, God himself. Oh wait, Jesus is the son of man, and the human embodiment of God, while also being the son of God. So I guess by transitive property on inequality, Tebow=God. I’m not sure. That part of the Bible, like the rest of the book, is very vague and mysterious to me.
But what does all this make Tyler Hansbrough? Well, he’s hard working. And energetic. And he works really hard expending a lot of energy. And he brings a lot of energy to all the hard work that he does. And he’s extremely competitive in the hard work that he does. Work that he does with tremendous energy. You might have heard that Psycho T “is a tremendous competitor” who “does all the things that don’t show up in the stat sheet,” and he does all these things with “a blue-collar work ethic” and that he’s also hard-working. Blue-collar even.

tylerhansbrough

So if you work a blue-collar job and you’re relaxing from working hard like Tyler Hansbrough, you must by law, (or by God’s will, make that Tim Tebow’s will) love Tyler. There is no other way. His hard work, and energy, must be adored at all times by everyone. Because he’s “what’s right with this game” “what’s right with college basketball” and everything that’s right in America, in the world, in the universe. Tyler Hansbrough’s work ethic is so powerful it’s the karmic polar opposite of strip-mining, child pornography, and clubbing baby seals all rolled into one.

Tyler Hansbrough’s energy and work ethic is to basketball what pictures of kittens and puppies are to being cute. Resistance is futile, If you don’t like Psycho T. you don’t like college basketball, or basketball at all. Or sports, or pizza, or looking at girlie magazines, or even breathing for that matter. Tyler Hansbrough is better, and more important than all these things. If you are not with Hansbrough, than you are with the terrorists. He is to the secular world, what Tebow is to the heavenly.

school_of_athens

So basically HJB, I see your point, but basically you and I are having a debate which is the sports media equivalent of Aristotle and Plato in Raphael’s famous Fresco painting, at the Vatican, “School of Athens”. In the center of the foreground, Plato points down to signal that the answers to life are to be found here on Earth, in the secular realm. Aristotle, points upward to the Heavesn signifying that the answers are to be found in the cosmos. Which is what this debate boils down to. But I win this round for another reason. Psycho T. would be playing America’s Game:football which would get all the headlines. Tebow is playing basketball- which is just not as popular. Sorry. Game. Set. Match.

–PMB

God Might Actually Hate Tim Tebow

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By Paul M. Banks

Perhaps the best compliment one can get is a backlash. Because backlash can only occur when someone or something has become popular enough…to be overexposed and start turning people off. This fall, the Tim Tebow backlash will take off!

From the beginning of my hate-hate relationship with University of Florida QB Tim Tebow, I noticed the supposed chinks in his armor. He was home-schooled throughout high school, but under Florida law was still allowed to play organized ball in the district where he lived, which was also questionable itself because he made a special move to an apartment in Jacksonville in order to play for pass-happy Nease High. So my first impression of the “onward Christian soldiers” QB is that he’s the creepy home-schooled kid who also grew up to be the BMOC at the biggest jock school in the country. That in itself is an interesting story; but not after it’s been told 536, 756 times.

Today, Tebow acolytes have created numerous websites fawning over him. Some claim Tebow is the highest form of biological evolution, but maybe Tebow doesn’t believe in evolution, so who knows if he’d be flattered or not by that comment.  According to Eastern Seaboard Programming Network, and the rest of the mainstream media who have whored him these past three years, the Gators QB is Superman, God, Jesus, or simply what happens when someone artificially (or perhaps immaculately) makes a child with from the raw material of Jesus, God and Superman.tim-tebowscreaming

Of course, even I’ll admit that he’s a very good football player, but it makes me nauseous that I have to spend yet another college football season getting even more sick and tired of hearing about him. Yes he wins championships and awards but he also spends a great deal of time yelling and acting like a moron. Yet people claim he’s such a good leader. That he’s “fiery” and “energetic.”

He’s simply football Tyler Hansbrough. Part of the reason he has all those records and awards…he wasn’t good enough to leave school early!

I don’t have a problem with Tebow being a devoted Christian, to each his or her own. But the pious evangelical Christianity that he and the PR people at UF flaunt at every opportunity: like his trips abroad to circumsize the penises of the unwashed is condescending. It’s like legislating morality upon us. Yes, we know he passes on the boobies and drunken debauchery on spring break in order to help Third World people shed the epitome of sin that is the foreskin, and that’s fine that he chooses to do it, but do we have to be told OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!

No college athlete in the history of sports has had the entire press roll over as lapdogs for him. A journalist actually asked him at an SEC media day, “Why are you special?” Seriously, whoever did that needs their credentials forever revoked NOW.

There are plenty of experts saying his skills will translate to the next level and he will become a NFL star. And there are plenty of  experts saying his skills won’t. So maybe after this season, he’ll only be a glorified Chase Daniel. In the 2010s, Tebow might remembered as the Sarah Palin of college football, a flash-in-the-pan who was essentially much ado about nothing.

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Actually, I think God himself truly hates Tim Tebow. This may shock you when you consider all that he has going for him- (just look at the picture I led the article off with) pretty much anything and everything a dude could ask for. But this is why I know an almighty creator would despise Tebow.

Think about all the smoking hot slags at the school he goes to, and about how all his overcoverage and publicity makes all those panties drop for him. And what’s a primary belief among evangelical Christians? That any form of sex not within the confines of marriage and exclusively for the purpose of reproduction is heathen, immoral and will certainly bring plagues upon us all.

So if he wants to stay super Christy, Tebow can’t sleep with any of that tail he attracts. Seems like a horrible trick or prank for The Creator to play on him, so perhaps he hates him as much as I do. Or as much as I hate ESPN and company for fawning over him any chance they get.

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