Week 2 of the TSBFL season is complete, and we’ve already had coaches throw temper tantrums, change their philosophies in a Seinfeld-esque manner, and propose a 6th season of Prison Break, starring Plaxico Burress. Keep in mind we are in Week 2, and each of these coaches/GMs will probably flip-flop like your favorite politicians as Judgment Day, aka the first week of the playoffs, draws closer. If you need a reminder of who’s who on TSBFL rosters, click here. And start picking sides, because we’re throwin’ down Miller Lite vs. Bud Light style. Get your beer bottles and homemade banjos ready!
Week 2 results:
Large, Oval Balls 93, SICA SportsBankers 75
Team Creapinfrbehind 114, The Stafford Effect 67
FREE PLAX 106, Team Penetration 88
JaJuan Johnson All-Stars 111, Grateful Red 103
Orange Crush 97, The Dick Whitmans 85
Team Guinness 97, Purple Jesus is My Homeboy 89
Week 3 matchups:
SICA SportsBankers (0-2) at Creepinfrbehind (1-1, Jake Fowler)
FREE PLAX (2-0) at Large, Oval Balls (2-0)
Team Penetration (0-2) at The Stafford Effect (1-1)
Grateful Red (0-2) at Dick Whitmans (0-2)
Purple Jesus is My Homeboy (1-1) at JaJuan Johnson All-Stars (1-1)
Team Guinness (2-0) at Orange Crush (2-0)
*Coach McCormick walks into the press room and slaps a slogan on the front of his podium:
“My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”*
Ladies and gentleman, every basic instinct and logical decision I’ve made as a coach has completely blown up in my face, as far as the quarterback position go. I am going to stick with Carson Palmer from now on, even if the matchup does not dictate favorably for him. I’m conducting my management with the exact opposite of my normal thought process. Get me a chicken salad on rye!
What can I say about this game? I couldn’t have won in any way by my own team’s means, and the closest that could’ve happened was a tie if I played Palmer over Hasselbeck, replaced Roy Williams with Lee Evans and played the two point wonder, La’Ron McLain. I’d love to see the coach that would dream of pulling the trigger on that change without prior knowledge of the results.
I’ve already made a Palmer-for-Hasselbeck change and that will be all for this week’s matchup against The Stafford Effect. I’m not favored, once again, but I think this will be the week we put it all together and pull off a win. If not, then I will have some serious trade bait dangling over prospective owners like a shark tank and a cow’s carcass smeared in pig’s blood and giblets.
JaJuan Johnson All-Stars
It was quite a shoot-out for the JaJuan Johnson All-Stars/Grateful Red matchup. Luckily, Chris Johnson went off like Bronne from the Real World when Emilee tap danced on his zombie magazine, especially since Greg Jennings didn’t have a single catch.
My opponent also made a general managerial mistake by playing Wes Welker, who was inactive, but it wouldn’t have mattered as none of his bench players would have scored the necessary nine points to beat me.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom uses the excuse of the flu hitting his team this week, but there is no questioning my play-calling. It was Mike Martz-ish, circa 2000. The JJ All-Stars do need more production out of the tight end position and will actively be searching for a serviceable replacement for the worthless Anthony Fasano. I am not foolish enough to think that Johnson will put up 45 points per week, but I like the direction of my team and the way they responded to their opening week loss.
(Coach Paul M. Banks and GM Soxman)
On starting the season 0-2:
Soxman: Hands off the panic button, but we are concerned about the direction in which the team appears to be headed following Sunday’s loss to Oval Balls. This was a beatable team, bottom line. WE WERE WORSE.
We had spectacular play from the Philadelphia defense and special teams’ in the season opener, and the next week we get negative points? Brady and Slaton combine for only 11 points? If your top two draft picks don’t produce, you lose. It’s not rocket science folks.
On the Oval Balls:
Banks: Oval Balls look like two zeroes in my opinion. You can quote me on that.
Roster shakeups? Looking ahead?
Banks: That’s what the offense is out there for – to score points. If we score a lot of points passing, that’s good. If we score a lot of points running, that’d be fine with me, too. If points are scored, then we’re doing our job. If they’re not, then that’s now what good offense is.
Soxman: It’s too early to call Steve Slaton a bust, and we will continue to play him as we have no other options at this point. We need a second WR and are actively searching for an answer there. If we find one, Eddie Royal will be benched.
We are also evaluating trade possibilities.
Drew Rosenhaus, general manager for Free Plax, had some interesting comments regarding the team’s 2-0 start:
“Listen you nitwits, we’re 2-0, which is great but the fact that our best player on the team was sent to jail this week really takes away from all the success we’ve had. Right now we’re still trying to decide if we should focus on the gameplan for this weekend or start plotting Plax’s escape from prison and putting him in a uniform as soon as possible. I’m not even joking about this, all you fools know Plaxico is the best WR in the game and just because he accidentally shot himself doesn’t mean he’s less of a football player. I’m writing the league right now to complain about Donte Stallworth killing someone after drinking and driving when my client has to spend two years behind bars for SHOOTING HIMSELF! The NFL has the power to get our guy out of jail and if they can’t, I will do it myself! YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL DO IT MYSELF! Next question…”
Purple Jesus is my Homeboy
All is not well in the Purple Jesus is My Homeboy camp. First round pick Matt Forte’s underwhelming performances through two weeks have left a very sour taste in my mouth. I’ve tried everything to get that taste out; mouthwash, toothpaste, Jim Beam, razorblades… You get my point. The problem is that Forte is getting no holes to burst through and therefore is not racking up the yards and touchdowns he should be.
As the owner/GM of Purple Jesus, I feel the need for change. Donald Brown is waiting in the wings waiting for his shot and I’ll be honest, his time could be sooner rather than later. I usually don’t like airing the dirty laundry so publicly, but I want to make sure Forte gets my message: Find the end zone or find a new team!
The Stafford Effect
(H. Jose Bosch)
Brees came to play, but everyone else looked distracted. Their receivers and running backs killed us this week and we couldn’t respond. Our wide receiver situation has to be solved soon. If we’re going to have performances like that, I’ll trade the whole damn corps away. What? Was I outcoached? Hell no! Who is Jake Fowler? Huh?! Who changes his team name in the middle of the season?! We will come back strong next week and you can bet your ass we will win and finish this year ahead of his team! Anymore questions?! *storms out of press conference room before reporters get the chance to ask*
Large, Oval Balls
When I drafted Fred Jackson and Dallas Clark, I didn’t think that they would be leading my team to victory on consecutive weeks, and yet here we are. However, there was a method to my madness.
With Jackson, he obviously had some value in that he was the backup of Marshawn Lynch with no one else in sight – not only was he going to be guaranteed three starts, but Lynch has now not started a full season slate of games in any of his three seasons. With the drive in the NFL to have a solid, contributing second running back on the roster, I thought it was certainly possible that in his three games as the main guy, Jackson could put himself in position to leach significant carries away from Lynch the rest of the season – and that’s what he’s done. It remains to be seen if Jackson will have much value after this week, but he is certainly the biggest reason why I’m 2-0.
Clark ends up being one of the others, and I’m expectant of big things from him the rest of the season. I was pretty high on Clark at the TE position this season BEFORE the Anthony Gonzalez injury (in the role of Peyton Manning’s security blanket), but now he may be the Colts’ No. 2 WR, essentially, and has reestablished himself as a legit downfield threat who is difficult to cover with a linebacker. Clark may be the leading fantasy TE when all is said and done this season.