The Sports Bank Fantasy Draft: TV Characters

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As the first website to feature a mock draft for all four professional sports, it’s safe to say we are the mock draft experts. Now we’re taking that expertise outside the box, or off the field if you will to bring you a new weekly segment called The Sports Bank Fantasy Draft. The premise is simple, we settle on a category and then have a fantasy draft of items/people within that category.

For our first draft, we’re taking on television characters. Joining me in the inaugural draft are Mr. Banks (PMB) and David Kay (DK). Our guidelines were pretty basic: the character’s show had to have aired within the last year, each roster needed to have at least one Lead Character, one Supporting Character and one Eye Candy and we were simply drafting based on awesomeness.

Then we compared that character to their sports world equivalent using David Kay’s patented “Think” method (see: NBA Mock Draft). We also omitted characters from shows that air on premium channels (i.e. HBO) because that could be it’s own draft down the line. Mr. Banks drew the first pick, his clock begins after the jump.

By Peter Christian

1. PMB – Benjamin Linus (Supporting Character) “Lost”

By far the most captivating character on the serial that captured way too much of my attention and thinking for half of the past decade. We’ve all seen characters go from “good guy” to “bad guy” and sometimes back to good, but Linus seemed to do it 3-4 times every episode! And he’s the most beaten up television character of all time- by a large margin. A lot of it was intentional to get information; quite an interesting guy. Think: Terrell Owens




2. DK – Tim Riggins (Lead Character) “Friday Night Lights”
Seriously, who doesn’t want to be this guy or be this guy’s best friend.  He screws hot chicks, parties non-stop, and doesn’t really take life seriously.  He plays by his own rules and doesn’t conform to what society thinks he should do.  Plus, did I mention he screws really hot chicks like Lyla Garrity?  Texas Forever. Think: Patrick Kane (young, talented, and likes to party)
3. PC – Don Draper (LC) “Mad Men”
The Coolest Guy on TV. Bar None. He is cold and charming at the same time and even though he is a downright dog when it comes to being faithful, ladies still love him. Just ask my wife. Think: Kobe Bryant

4. PC – Jack Bauer (LC) “24”
He’s not what he once was but he’s still got his fastball. He used to be unilaterally loved, whereas now people pretend to be tired of him even though deep down, they secretly love him. Think: Brett Favre

5. DK – Sawyer (SC) “Lost”
I’m on an outlaw kick.  He is bad-ass, smart-ass, and has sweet hair.  Even though he was portrayed as a heel for most of the series, you couldn’t get enough of James Ford and wanted him on your side in the end.  Plus, he had sweet nicknames for the other survivors and I always looked forward to his “son of a bitch” line every episode.  Think: A.J. Pierzinski

6. PMB – Coach Erik Taylor (LC) “Friday Night Lights”
For some reason, both him and his cougarlicious wife Tammi have every problem of the entire town thrown into their laps. Yet they handle it with aplomb. Obviously, they have their own domestic problems, yet they quickly solve them and move on. “Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. CAN’T LOSE!” Think: Rocky Wirtz

7. PMB – Pam Beasly-Halpert (SC/Eye Candy) “The Office”
I’m drafting her this high because she’s hot? Yes! But she’s also dry in her wit, creative, and despite all these wonderful traits that she possesses, at no time does she ever appear “out of your league.” Talented yet grounded. Think: Jim Thome

8. DK – Betty Draper- (EC/SC) “Mad Men”
She’s snobby, a bitchy mom and wife, with a lot of crazy in here.  Yet, I am totally and completely intrigued.  No TV character is hotter in a corset or makes smoking cigarettes look so damn sexy.  She has dinner on the table when her husband comes home from work and was the ideal arm candy in the 1960’s.  If I was Don Draper, I wouldn’t cheat on her.  That’s for sure.  Think: Danica Patrick

9. PC – Jack Donaghy (LC) “30 Rock”
Wise, witty and on the mark with perfectly timed jabs. Donaghy is among the funniest characters on television and I’d say his awesomeness is among the all time greats. Think: Floyd Mayweather

10. PC – Joan Holloway (EC/SC) “Mad Men”
Snarky and curvy, Joan is an eye magnet but is amazing at her job. She won’t take crap from anyone and is completely comfortable putting someone in their place, even her superiors. Think Warren Sapp (in his prime)
11. DK – Smoke Monster/Fake Locke (LC) “Lost

The most mysterious character on TV is a serious ass kicker.  I mean, he is a person who turns into a monster of black smoke and absolutely ravages people when he is unleashed.  Talk about having an enforcer on your squad.  Think: Shawne Merriman


12. PMB – Kate Austen (SC/EC) “Lost”
This Western Canadian (at least the actress who plays her is) product may not be able to carry a team by herself, but she’s a freaking bad ass, and a joy to watch. Best of all? No artificial enhancements, because breast implants are the steroid PEDs of the entertainment world.  Think: Justin Morneau


13. PMB – Agent Sarah Walker (EC/SC) “Chuck”
back to back picks at the eye candy position. I’ve seen very little of the show, so I’m mostly going with what I see on paper, and potential. Think Stephen Strasburg

14. DK – Horatio Caine (LC) “CSI: Miami”
He brings leadership, a mean comb-over, and a full repertoire of cheesy cliche one-liners.  Not since Erik Estrada and C.H.I.P.S. has someone rocked the sunglasses on TV like “H” has.  Think: Jamie Moyer


15. PC – Hugo Reyes (SC) “Lost”
In my opinion, the driving force of Lost. Hurley kept the show from getting too caught up in it’s own nerdiness and ensured that at no point could the show be too pretentious. He was the “chemistry” guy in the clubhouse who broke the tension with a well timed statement or observation but was also good on the field as well. Think: Nick Swisher

16. PC – Charlie Kelly (SC) “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
Random, on his own path and completely insane but with a purpose. Charlie is hilarious and easily one of the craziest guys on TV. He delivers every week even if it’s not what you expected. Think: Chad Ochocinco

17. DK – Tami Taylor (SC/EC) “Friday Night Lights”
If my wife looks like Tami in 15 years, I’ll have no complaints.  She can’t be pushed around and doesn’t take any crap from anybody.  She always has the best interests of people in mind, is a good wife and mother, and has a southern drawl which kills me every time. Think: Annika Sorenstam


18. PMB – Dwight K Schrute (SC) “The Office”
His eccentricities and candor define him, you can’t have him without those identity characteristics. Above a Social Darwinist, and that ethos propels his success. Think: Ozzie Guillen

19. PMB – Liz Lemon (LC) “30 Rock”
She does so many things well, despite having a few limitations. Quirky and fun. Think: Ron Artest

20. DK – Desmond Hume (SC) “Lost”
As he proved in the final season of the show, Desmond is more than a one-trick pony who just pushes a button every 108 minutes and was a very underappreciated character.  And no, I did not just draft him because of his killer accent, brother.  Think: Tony Parker

21. PC – Jules Cobb (LC/EC) “Cougar Town”
Jules is a perfect combination of eye candy and leading lady. She carries her show and is central to all storylines but she works very well with the rest of her cast. Plus it helps that she is really, really pretty. Think: Chris Paul

22. PC – Phil Dunphy (SC) “Modern Family”
The entire show is funny but Phil is just a little bit funnier than the rest of the cast. He routinely has the best sequences of the show and his ability to set him self up for amazing finishes is unparalleled. Think: Ed Reed

23. DK – Andy Bernard (SC) “The Office”
While the Nard Dogg blew up in popularity after the release of “The Hangover,” he has been on our scouts’ radars for a long time despite being a massive nerd.  His awkward interactions with officemates and free spirit of not caring what people think, or maybe just not thinking before he acts makes him endearing.  Think: Mark Madsen

24. PMB – Leslie Knope (LC) “Parks and Recreation”
Kind of awkward, kind of adorable, kind of brilliant. And very Indiana “aw-shucks” in a semi country-fried way. Think: Larry Bird

25. PMB – Matt Saracen (SC) “Friday Night Lights”
“QB1” has had some pretty sweet rewards in his life (Julie Taylor, BMOC for 3 years, the perks that come with that) but he really has been dealt a very sh**** hand when you look at some of the bigger things life has thrust upon him. Think: Jim Abbott


26. DK – Lyla Garrity (EC) “Friday Night Lights”
She’s hot.  Umm… that’s about all I can say about her.  She kind of sucks as a person and seems like she would zero fun to date or hang out with.  But I bet she is great in the sack.  Think: Anna Kournikova



27. PC – Shawn Spencer (LC) “Psych”
Spencer is the goods. He’s the best character on tv you’ve never seen. Funny, talented and a flare for the dramatic. He interacts extremely well with the rest of his cast but can easily put a show on his back. Spencer is the real deal. Think: Kevin Durant

28. PC – Chuck Bartowski (LC)  “Chuck”
An unassuming lead, Chuck is still growing into his role but he’s progressing quickly. At first glance, you’d think very little of Bartowski as a leading male but he has the ambition. He still relies on his cohorts to get him through more often than not, but sooner rather than later he’ll be ready to take the reigns on his own. Think: Joe Flacco

29. DK – Abed Nadir (SC) “Community”
I’ve watched the show a couple times.  It’s pretty funny.  But the real reason I took a late-round flyer on Abed is because he is a Marquette grad and I gotta rep my school.  WE ARE…. Think: Wesley Matthews

30. PMB – Michael Scott (LC) “The Office
Despite his over-the-top antics and obsession with his own needs above everyone elses, this attention whore likely has a heart of gold. And beneath his always silly facade, he’s a hard man. “That’s what she said” Think: Mark Cuban
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Comments

  1. Peter Christian says

    I must say… it feels wrong to see Horatio Caine among a list of awesome TV characters

  2. David K. says

    Seriously, can Betty Draper be any hotter when smoking cigarettes? Brilliant idea Pete.

  3. paulmbanks says

    We have so many ways we can go with this thing. Especially since we’re entering the summer lull now, and will likely looking for more material. Like a horrible cliche mock draft. “It is what it is” will be first overall

  4. Great mid-round pick of Charlie Kelly, Pete. He doesn’t have to say anything to carry a scene. You just laugh looking at him.

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