By Paul M. Banks, Soxman, Rikki Greenberg
SOXMAN
From America’s Past-times to My Fellow Americans
They can be heroes rising to victory in high-pressure situations and they can lead when their team needs guidance. So who’s to say sports figures couldn’t effectively assume the two top positions in the United States of America?
The purpose of this article was for all writers to choose one duo who we could see assuming the oval office. As Soxman has never been a conformist, and always tries to deliver more, you’re going to get my top five options:
5) Bill Belichick & Tom Brady
This has all the makings of a dream team does it not? The crafty elder, commanding the conservative vote, combined with the GQ youngster, who understands the needs of the youth of America. Several males vote for Brady just to see his “super model wife†at various debates. The candidates even have scandal. Brady, a child out of wedlock, and Belichick, secret illegal recordings surface that draw comparisons to Richard Nixon. Belichick withdraws claiming “I am not a crook. Next Question.†This dream ticket never makes it past the primaries.
4) George W. Bush & Dick Cheney
This could be the argument of the century as to why a sports figure would/ would not make a good president. A former owner of the Texas Rangers, combined with a Houston Oiler, or oilman that is. They also are rumored to be huge fans of the Cleveland Football Team. “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.â€Â Practicing only the blitz defense, and getting frequent penalty calls for attacking before the whistle. Hmmm.
3) Mike Ditka
Would it really matter who his running mate was? Daaaaaa President. Election results according to Da Super Fans: Ditka receives every vote in the United States…until he trades away all party support to make Ricky Williams his number one pick for VP. Williams loses the election promising to legalize marijuana, but not to inhale.
2) Michael Jordan & Phil Jackson
Would employ a triangle strategy to win the election. They immediately re-peat for a second term, but Jackson promptly resigns to take a spiritual motorcycle trip in the mountains.
1)Â Â Â Â Soxman and Batboy
As this has been mentioned several times by fans on this site, I’d be remiss, if I didn’t even at least address it. As my first act as president, I’d establish a Secretary for World Environmental Affairs and appoint Paul M. Banks to the position. Paul would call on all Americans to post ideas on ways to run the country on thesportsbank.net, and would resign after six months, becoming a multi-millionaire from advertising revenue. He’d then request that I appoint him as the ambassador to any Asian country and would change his last name to Juice.
PAUL M. BANKS
Ozzie Guillen/Freddy Garcia ‘12
Mine is Ozzie. I can’t wait to interview him again. I know his off-the-record media activities are even more entertaining than what he says on the record and it creates more ‘cocktail party stories” than the collection of insane women I’ve seemed to attract since (and during) graduate school. You might think he’s crazy, and therefore I am as well, for picking him, but to quote Billy Joel “it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for.â€
The last couple weeks have taught me that we’re ready for Ozzie. One of McCain’s top advisers actually said “this election is not about issues” and no one seemed to care or bat an eyelash. Even worse they actually took over the lead in most polls right after this occurred. It’s crystal clear now that logic, reasoning, qualifications, experience and rationality have no value among the electorate and are not in any way shape or form part of the screening process to be president. Sarah Palin only verifies these facts further.
Enter Oz. His over-the-top machismo is what we need to guide our country against the “horsesh@#” people who hate America. Anyone who calls out the universally despised Jay Mariotti is certainly ready to confront the K Street lobbyists and Political Action Committee money that owns D.C. Plus, it would be great to try and see all his handlers and spin-masters try to contain and repackage him. The irresistible force versus the immovable object would play out on a national stage at press events every day.
His buddy and countryman Freddy Garcia could be his running mate. I’ve seen these two out on the town; they seem to get along and work well together. And of course, we’d have to amend the constitution for this to even be possible, but it would be worth it for the new and better relations we would have with Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.
Guillen/Garcia ’12!
“The f%^ing changes we f&*ing need to reform this horses%$t system!”   “I’m Ozzie f***ing Guillen and I f***ing approve this message.”
RIKKI GREENBERG
I vote Bucs head coach Jon Gruden because he is a fiery little red head (well strawberry blond) with the temper to match. I love it when his face gets all red and the nose starts scrunching because he’s so pissed off. I think the White House could benefit from such a passionate man who resembles Chucky from the Child’s Play movies. Gruden is a coach who loves to yell into the headset even though the people up in the booth can probably hear him just fine at a normal tone. When Gruden disapproves of a bill, he could yell, “VETO! I SAID VETO!!” and the point would get across. I am also picking Warren Sapp for his running mate. With Sapp’s charm and outspoken nature combined with Gruden’s emotional vigor, I don’t see any other choice. Gruden/Sapp 2012!!
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