Sports Figures that Would Make Great Presidents I

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By Paul M. Banks, Soxman, Rikki Greenberg

SOXMAN

From America’s Past-times to My Fellow Americans

They can be heroes rising to victory in high-pressure situations and they can lead when their team needs guidance.  So who’s to say sports figures couldn’t effectively assume the two top positions in the United States of America?

The purpose of this article was for all writers to choose one duo who we could see assuming the oval office.  As Soxman has never been a conformist, and always tries to deliver more, you’re going to get my top five options:

5) Bill Belichick & Tom Brady

This has all the makings of a dream team does it not?  The crafty elder, commanding the conservative vote, combined with the GQ youngster, who understands the needs of the youth of America.  Several males vote for Brady just to see his “super model wife” at various debates.  The candidates even have scandal.  Brady, a child out of wedlock, and Belichick, secret illegal recordings surface that draw comparisons to Richard Nixon.  Belichick withdraws claiming “I am not a crook.  Next Question.” This dream ticket never makes it past the primaries.

4) George W. Bush & Dick Cheney

This could be the argument of the century as to why a sports figure would/ would not make a good president.  A former owner of the Texas Rangers, combined with a Houston Oiler, or oilman that is.  They also are rumored to be huge fans of the Cleveland Football Team.  “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.”  Practicing only the blitz defense, and getting frequent penalty calls for attacking before the whistle.  Hmmm.

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3) Mike Ditka

Would it really matter who his running mate was?  Daaaaaa President.  Election results according to Da Super Fans: Ditka receives every vote in the United States…until he trades away all party support to make Ricky Williams his number one pick for VP.  Williams loses the election promising to legalize marijuana, but not to inhale.

2) Michael Jordan & Phil Jackson

Would employ a triangle strategy to win the election.  They immediately re-peat for a second term, but Jackson promptly resigns to take a spiritual motorcycle trip in the mountains.

1)     Soxman and Batboy

As this has been mentioned several times by fans on this site, I’d be remiss, if I didn’t even at least address it.  As my first act as president, I’d establish a Secretary for World Environmental Affairs and appoint Paul M. Banks to the position.  Paul would call on all Americans to post ideas on ways to run the country on thesportsbank.net, and would resign after six months, becoming a multi-millionaire from advertising revenue.  He’d then request that I appoint him as the ambassador to any Asian country and would change his last name to Juice.

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PAUL M. BANKS

Ozzie Guillen/Freddy Garcia ‘12

Mine is Ozzie. I can’t wait to interview him again.  I know his off-the-record media activities are even more entertaining than what he says on the record and it creates more ‘cocktail party stories” than the collection of insane women I’ve seemed to attract since (and during) graduate school. You might think he’s crazy, and therefore I am as well, for picking him, but to quote Billy Joel “it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for.”

The last couple weeks have taught me that we’re ready for Ozzie. One of McCain’s top advisers actually said “this election is not about issues” and no one seemed to care or bat an eyelash. Even worse they actually took over the lead in most polls right after this occurred. It’s crystal clear now that logic, reasoning, qualifications, experience and rationality have no value among the electorate and are not in any way shape or form part of the screening process to be president. Sarah Palin only verifies these facts further.

Enter Oz. His over-the-top machismo is what we need to guide our country against the “horsesh@#” people who hate America. Anyone who calls out the universally despised Jay Mariotti is certainly ready to confront the K Street lobbyists and Political Action Committee money that owns D.C. Plus, it would be great to try and see all his handlers and spin-masters try to contain and repackage him. The irresistible force versus the immovable object would play out on a national stage at press events every day.

His buddy and countryman Freddy Garcia could be his running mate. I’ve seen these two out on the town; they seem to get along and work well together. And of course, we’d have to amend the constitution for this to even be possible, but it would be worth it for the new and better relations we would have with Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.


Guillen/Garcia ’12!

“The f%^ing changes we f&*ing need to reform this horses%$t system!”    “I’m Ozzie f***ing Guillen and I f***ing approve this message.”

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RIKKI GREENBERG

I vote Bucs head coach Jon Gruden because he is a fiery little red head (well strawberry blond) with the temper to match. I love it when his face gets all red and the nose starts scrunching because he’s so pissed off. I think the White House could benefit from such a passionate man who resembles Chucky from the Child’s Play movies. Gruden is a coach who loves to yell into the headset even though the people up in the booth can probably hear him just fine at a normal tone. When Gruden disapproves of a bill, he could yell, “VETO! I SAID VETO!!” and the point would get across. I am also picking Warren Sapp for his running mate. With Sapp’s charm and outspoken nature combined with Gruden’s emotional vigor, I don’t see any other choice. Gruden/Sapp 2012!!

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Comments

  1. Absolutely wild and funny!

  2. I read some funny posts in my time but this is frickin hilarious. Soxman, where do you get those zanny ideas? You should tryo t get another major news source to pick up this feed. They might not get the Paul M Banks stuff on your number one choice, but your other points are priceless.

    Paul and Ricky good work as well. Ozzie would be hilarious but might wage war on a few countries or force members of his cabinet to resign for not striking back when attacked by another country. Poor Charlie Haeger.

  3. prowriter0923 says

    I think Ditka would be the most awesome f&*$ing president ever!! He’s coached a legendary team, starred in countless movies and served as an analyist for various sports telecasts. The only thing left to do is become president!

    The White House better start stocking up on stogies, brewskis and brawts because Da G-d is movin in!!

  4. This Banks kid is F!#$ing crazy man. I’d never want to be the muther F!#$ing president of the USA cause I wouldn’t be able to F!#$ing blaime my failures on anyone else. S#$t man if I wanted to get a F!#$ing BJ from some F!#$ing groupie I’d be on the cover of every f!#$ing newspaper in the world. Still, it would be F134ing t#ts and a$$ to hear them screamig OZZIE OZZIE.

    Soxman, you are a F#$%ing god but we need you and batboy at the f!#$ing cell. I laugh my a$$ of at you man. You are f#$!ing funny.

  5. Ozzie and Wolverine,

    isnt it time for another outburst? losing three of four to a fourth place team? Some public swearing and throwing of an individual under the bus are certainly called for! The Twins lost four in a row and we’re still just 1.5 games up? A tirade to get these boys fired up is in order!

  6. Banks, how did you not pick Belichick… with that video recording system, we’d have the best National Security of all time…

  7. Yeah, but then we’d have a “Big Brother” like totalitarian state where we’d have not privacy and constant surveillance. He did make my short list though

  8. Wow, that’s what I was seeking for, what a material!
    present here at this weblog, thanks admin of this website.

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