Sidetracked: Crap, Valentine’s Day is Coming

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By: Smoove C

Oh no.  I hate the singular act of turning the calendar from the month of January to February.  Why even turn the thang?  I turn it and POOF.  My woman’s voice mysteriously echoes throughout the room and the 14th jumps out at me like an ugly Harangody all up in my face.  Her voice starts calling out thangs she wants. This year, I’m cutting her off like Daniel Snyder putting a sock in Jim Zorn. It’s about what Smoove C wants.  Fellas, if we gotta do this, we gonna to do it my way. And for those of you without a woman, I’ve got something in this article for you, too.

For those of you with a big pocketbook, maybe seven figures on your contract, we gonna benefit from this here research. Go big or go home on the court or on the field; that’s what we do. So this is what the professionals are doing this Valentine’s Day, and that’s right—this really does exist.  If you don’t believe me, all the details are right here.

We’re going to DC’s W Hotel for their Valentine’s Day Package.  In short, you get VIP copter rides to private wine tastings, bottomless champagne, Kobe steak and Maine lobster, a personal Body Chocolatier that makes candy molds of your naked selves, Louis Vuitton luggage full of lingerie for her and some Swarovski crystals on your PJ’s or whatever. It’s gonna set you back $28 G’s man, but it’s worth it. Here’s what they give ya.

You start with Starwood Hotel’s WOW suite.  It had better be wow for that coin. From there, your personal chauffeur will transport you outside the no-fly zone to an area where you can jump on your full-service VIP helicopter ride at sunset to Monticello.  You’ll experience a private wine tasting, where you will enjoy champagne and a selection of fine cheeses, Italian white truffles and chocolates during your ride.

Somewhere along this ride, you had better whisper sweet nothings in her ear. You can spend all the money you want, but if you don’t say sh*t to back it up, she’s gonna know you’re full of it.

I’d recommend saying something that shows to what lengths you’ll go for her. Such as, “baby, tomorrow I will make you French Toast.  And if that toast is not to your liking, I will swim to another country to obtain a toast of another nationality for you.” That line is courtesy of my brother, avid contributor to the Onion. And we here at TSB love the Onion. You know. Do it up. He’s Smoove B and I’m Smoove C, but don’t be fooled by the name. We’re both beyond any grading scale.

After the chopper ride, it’s back to the hotel for an in-room couples’ massage by Bliss spa, “a virtual countdown to butter.”  What does that mean? Yeah, butter.  And a ‘Bliss-ful’ water closet packed with full-sized Bliss products for him and her.  Products are good.

Then it’s on for a photo shoot.  Yeah, that’s right, a photo shoot for her and a personalized calendar to give to her boo on Valentine’s Day. Hey, that’s us! They give your woman her own personal stylist, hair and makeup artist so she can do the Playboy spread you always dreamed of. She also gets a little red dress and personal tailor for her wardrobe during this whole spread. That’s all tight, man, tight.

Meantime, you also get your own 24 hour personal agent.  We men get an in-room Zegna custom suit fitting and cufflink bar so we can be stylin’ for din. You also gets your hair done by a legendary Frederic Fekkai—dude’s a pimp stylist, if you know what I mean.

Then dinner.  Some custom menu featuring master creations such as Kobe steak dinner and Maine lobster for two, bottomless champagne flutes, the whole nine yards.  Then we do it up, with a VIP table for two at POV (a club) with a personalized cocktail created by W’s Director of Bar Concepts.  That’s what I want to do…be “Director of Bar Concepts”.  That sounds cool as sh*t.

Then we goes back to the room. And this is where it gets fun. There’s a personal “Body Chocolatier” to mold “whatever/whenever” for him and her.  Oh my.  And some Louis Vuitton luggage loaded with lingerie for her, custom Swarovski crystal monogram pajamas for him and her and the trademark “W” Camera.  And the camera sounds key in all this, if you know what I mean.

Don’t worry; there’s Valentine’s Day private breakfast-in-bed the morning after, cuz you ain’t goin anywhere. And it’s all for the low price of $27,999.  You could invest in a lot more over time with your woman, but you know how she likes to fuss over what her boo did for her over V-day with her girlfriends.  Frankly, this way she can talk and talk and talk and we don’t have to hear any of it. She’ll be talking for months about February 14th.  So what have you got to lose?

Now, if you is NOT making seven figures, I saved the best for last.  Chances are, if you is not making seven figures and you has a woman, she’s a good woman.  Probably the best.  Why? Cuz she’s willing to put up with your sh*t and take care your *ss for nothing, maybe some flowers and dinner reservations at best. And THAT is tight man, real tight.

In that case, do a little fussin’ over her at home, bring her some flowers.  Not chocolates, she’ll think you’re calling her fat.  And just spend time with her, maybe even listen to her for once. It won’t kill you. A little goes a long way—perhaps a whole ‘nother year.

And if you have no woman…Well, maybe it’s cuz your last was bat sh*t crazy.  In that case, crack a 6-pack and watch your favorite game with take out chickin wangs. Or ask that pretty girl out from 4B.  She’s hot, but you KNOW she’s not doing anything on the 14th. And the girls who don’t mark it on their damn calendar are even cooler. Smoove C has smoove answers to all your not-so-smoove questions.  So go ahead.  Ask away.

Thank you for reading our new column Sidetracked, where we branch out to bring you the best in non-mainstream Midwestern sports talent and off-the-beaten-path discussion topics. Remember, you read it here first at The SportsBank.net.

And Happy Valentine’s Day.

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