NIT Douchebracket MW Regional

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By: Melissa S. Wollering

Double your douche, double your fun!  Chew on this: new NIT Douchebracket Gum!

Last week, we provided you with four regions of NCAA-quality douchitude in tournament form. Last year’s inaugural event was so enjoyable that we expanded the contest to also include two NIT regions of additional 2009-2010 magnificence. Sit back and enjoy, knowing we didn’t leave your favorite out—we just saved the best for last!

#1 Goose Prompting Landing on Hudson vs. #16 WFTV Orlando’s Mark Boyle

If you were the six to twelve-pound Canadian goose that was stupid enough to fly into US Airways Flight 1549’s jet engine near the Hudson, you’re darn lucky you’re dead.  You put 150 human lives at risk that day. With no disrespect to animals or geese, you’re lucky you were shredded to bits. Mark Boyle is the guy who declared the Milwaukee Brewers should seriously consider moving the team to Florida.  Is that before or after you counted the Devil Rays’ daily attendance at 3,000 during a regular season game?  Is that before or after you realized we’re the most profitable small market team in MLB?  Boyle might be the one stuffed instead of the goose.

#8 Erin Andrews’ Stalker vs. #9 Bob Uecker’s Stalker
If you play with fire, you get burned.  If you try to photograph America’s most beloved female sideline reporter half-naked, you’re going to jail. Likewise, if a Milwaukee County Judge determines you have repeatedly approached Baseball’s most beloved announcer, followed him to locations he does not wish you to appear at and are now prohibited from being within a certain distance of him, you’ll be punished by a court of law and labeled a stalker. I didn’t say it; the judge said it. And it will be on the Internet forever.

#4 Earthquakes vs. #13 East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit Emails
Mother nature is seriously toying with humanity this year. The devastation to Haiti and its people as well as Chile is not something I am joking about. Rather, I’m calling out the serious need to rebuild these places to withstand future quakes.  Because history always repeats itself. Except when you fabricate it like East Anglia.  They sent emails about global warming not seeded in actual truth. Are there still issues with climate, especially at the poles?  Yes.  Have you been completely discredited because you played into the hands of politicians and other scientists on this issue?  Yes.  You’re an unlucky douche at #13.

#5 The Spain Dating Train vs. #12 Jake Pavelka Choosing Vienna
Without going into too much detail, if you follow a certain individual’s sports-spun commentary, maybe you happened to notice she is dating another sports-spun douche of equal proportion.  In this case, the #5 seed is for you. I’m just sharing my opinion of this dating union and what the relationship represents/how it was achieved, nothing else. Speaking of choice, Vienna should have been Jake’s last. Or he should wear a t-shirt that says, “I went on an ABC dating show and all I got was the crappy t-shirt.” Well, and a Dancing With the Stars contract.

#2 Whistler Olympic Sliding Track vs. #15 Michael Jackson’s MD; Michael Conrad
The only thing thrilling about the luge track in the Vancouver Olympics should have been the gold-medal winning run.  Instead, the lack of foresight and failure to ensure all athletes from ALL countries were properly prepared for this level of competition falls squarely on the IOC’s shoulders. Shut it down. Those words should have been uttered after one practice run. Thriller will forever be a song of mourning now that MJ’s trusted physician allegedly contributed to the death of the king of pop. Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough was a song title, not a painkiller motto, Conrad.

#7 Shirtless Vladimir Putin Photographed on Horse vs. #10 Timberwolves 2009/10 Marketing Campaign
If you haven’t seen this awesomely terrible photograph, here you go. That gives me Cold War shivers. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves actually launched a marketing campaign with billboards apologizing to fans. No clever phrases were used to accomplish this; instead phrases including “we’re sorry” could be seen everywhere.  Really? That’s not a marketing campaign, that’s a one-time PR full-page ad, followed by a BRILLIANT marketing campaign to pull your heads out of the mud. Instead, their consulting firm should be apologizing and closing up shop.

#3 Toyota Accelerators & Execs vs. #14 Bill Belichek’s Call vs. Colts on Nov. 15
Toyota = Totally Oblivious Yo-yo’s Operating Thoroughly Ass-backwards.  You slack, then you hide details, then your execs try to cover a hot mess up.  They can only hope the problem is not worse than the accelerators and does not involve the entire computer system on these vehicles. And seriously, Pats vs. Colts on November 15th, 4th and 2 with two minutes left in the game and zero timeouts. Kevin Fault juggles the ball, is jostled by Buillitt, goes down short and there are zero opportunities to challenge the play. I’ve never read so many New England hate comments/blogs the following day. Unless you count what they wrote about their Toyotas last month…

#6 HR Manager of Braun’s New Waterfront Bar vs. #11 Miller Park D***k Blog
Ryan Braun just purchased a waterfront establishment in Lake Geneva. Here’s why the HR Manager is going to get in major trouble. You can certainly hire people who meet these qualifications but you can’t say it publicly. If a woman walks in and is turned away because her 36 C is a cup-size short, you’ve got a motorboatin’ lawsuit on your hands. Meantime, a southeastern Wisconsin baseball blog who shall remained unnamed can put to rest its insecurities.  Don’t worry, no one is copying your content.  No one’s even reading your content.  But we salute your douchiness for thinking you’re way better than you really are.

 Vote for your favorites below as we reveal the NIT Douchebracket Finals in the coming days!

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Comments

  1. paulmbanks says

    Love your five, ten and 11 seeds here! great stuff. all have finals potential. Especially “Spad”…but the winner of the 8-9 game could take it all too

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