NIT Douchebracket, Durty South Region


By Paul Schmidt

I wasn’t sure if Melissa’s region was the Midwest region or the Milwaukee region, and then I decided that it didn’t matter. The Durty South is the appropriate counter to two of the whitest things in this country — Milwaukee and the Midwest.

There’s plenty of durrrrrty in this bracket as well…felons, prurient television and corrupt politicians. That’s perhaps the nicest thing I can say about all of these things:  They certainly bring the douchey thunder.

1 ABC’s The Bachelor
16 The Mike Tyson Racing Pigeon reality show

One of my personal favorite matchups in this whole bracket. Everyone knows what The Bachelor is at this point, so you might ask, how could it possibly be the number one seed?  Well, for precisely that reason — because everyone knows just what The Bachelor is about, you have to continually step the show up to new highs.  And really, that’s a misnomer — you have to reach further depths of hell in the show to continually bring in viewers. And with gimmicks like overnight dates — where the three remaining girls have to basically sleep with the Bachelor or risk being sent home…well…to paraphrase what I say to my four and a half month old son, “You’re gross!!”

As for the Tyson racing pigeon show, I mean, what else can you say?  Tyson is going to race his beloved pigeons!  It’s absolute lunacy. The reason it’s only a lowly 16 seed is because of the very high (and very sad) probability that I’m going to watch it.

8 Opponents of Mayor Richard M. Daley
9 Mayor Richard M. Daley
Well, it’s the battle of Chicago in the Durty South! We didn’t need to leave the Chi to have this one out, much like many tournament matchups of yore. On one end, you’ve got the haters of Chicago’s City Hall and Hizzoner. Now, at the start of their hatred and constant investigations, they were right — There was a lot of corruption and bribery and embezzlement at City Hall. We don’t need to go through all the individual charges — it is all in the public record. However, like most zealots, they took things too far. Now, without the blood of Richie Daley on their hands, they will never be satisfied.  This, as an end result for not only the greatest mayor this city has ever seen but one of the country’s greatest politicians.  And yes, I mean that as a compliment.

On the other hand…you’ve got Hizzoner himself. Quit acting like you’re blameless in all of this and didn’t peddle influence, get everyone you know either rich with bids for city work or jobs, and in general act like one of the “Good Ol’ Boys.” I get it, it’s all part of “The Game,” but that doesn’t mean you’re blameless in all of this. It more than likely means the exact opposite.

5 Evan Turner
12 David Beckham

I think that I’m over The Villain.  He’s certainly not “His Royal Smoothness” to me any more. He’s a great basketball player. He just needs a little more practice at being a good person. For instance, after beating Illinois, saying that they talked too much trash after a game where all he did was talk trash, pop his jersey, and tell the Illinois bench that they should call time out to cool him off…well I’m over him.  He’s The Villain.  And maybe, just maybe…he’ll be The Douche.

As for Becks, I actually like him. But all of the talk about his injury, and oh, how terrible it is that he’ll miss the World Cup in what was most likely his last go round…hold on, I am reaching for the garbage can because I have to vomit. Look,  Becks peaked as an international footballer at least two World Cups ago, and at this point his continued marching on the field isn’t doing Team England any favors. If nothing else, they should be stronger growing forward. This isn’t a loss.  Or a sad story.  Or really even a story.

4 Andre Agassi’s awesome/embarrassing tirade in a charity tennis event
13 College football recruiting
Count me in the camp that always has thought that Pete Sampras was just a little too goody-goody for my taste. But, seriously, Andre, you’ve gone off the deep end. The book and the meth taking was one thing. Calling out Sampras in a CHARITY EVENT FOR NOT BEING A GOOD TIPPER…big loser move there man.  He’s donating his time for a charity, he’s a giving guy, you don’t need to knock him down a peg.  And even though you have no hair, you’ve won!  You got Steffi Graf! Those legs are incredible!  What are you compensating for???

The worst thing about college football is the recruiting.  Read the book “Meat Market,” by Bruce Feldman. It’s a revealing look at the business of college football recruiting, and you’ll need a shower afterward. Then again, this entry checks in so low as a 13 because, even though it’s true, we all know it and we all still watch. maybe that makes us the douchebags…

6 Ken Rosenthal
11 Chip Caray

Anyone who followed the blowup with Jerod Morris (a friend of The Sports Bank and a great all-around guy) of Midwest Sports Fans and ESPN and everyone else saw just how horrible Ken Rosenthal came across.

Not only did he completely miss the point of Jerod’s piece, he came across like a holier than thou piece of crap. Which would be fine if he wasn’t wrong more than Peter Vescey was in his heyday. Also, this is the idiot that allowed ARod to use him as a PR device to hijack the World Series and say he would test the free agent waters. I guess that doesn’t make him a douche, just colossally dumb, hypocritical and morally bereft.  Good guy, that Ken Rosenthal.

As for ol’ Chip…I’ll just say…”FISTED!”

3 The Redskins as a team nickname
14 Hating on Native American Mascots

I hate the mascot name “Redskins.” I 100% agree with Chris Rock when he joked that, “That would be like calling a team the Newark N——!” He’s absolutely right. It’s racist and it was meant to marginalize Native American peoples. I wish that it could be done away with.

However, that isn’t to insinuate that I think that all Native American symbols should be done away with. In fact, I don’t. I have the University of Illinois’ Chief tattooed on my right shoulder. I think that many of these symbols are meant to honor the people that lived here before.  And quite frankly, if I hear one more blond-haired, blue-eyed, dealing with daddy-issues sorority girl telling me why I’m wrong, I think I’ll punch her.  Ok, I’d never hit a woman…but to quote Chris Rock one more time…”I’d shake the shit out of one!”

7 Everyone being on Facebook
10 Everyone being on Twitter

Facebook jumped the shark the day my mom joined. Now…I love her to death.  She’s an ardent supporter of mine. She reads everything I post on this site, so I know she’s going to read this. But here’s the thing. While technology is certainly not her enemy, the computer isn’t exactly her friend either. And that’s perfectly fine. So when she showed up on Facebook and has, better than most people I know, managed it’s constant, ongoing face-lifts, well…sorry Facebook.  It’s probably time for all of us to move on.  And don’t get me started on the stuff like Farmville and Mafia Wars…

Twitter, I don’t think, is there yet.  I still like getting little blurbs from the people I follow sent to my cell phone.  My day is brightened ever time our site founder Paul Banks tweets (blatant ass kissing). But EVERYONE is tweeting EVERYTHING now…and I get the same tweets 46 times from 46 different people every time someone famous picks their nose in public.  Free exchange of information, everyone! Woo!

15 continued Michael Vick hatred

PETA is like the Ohio State of this bracket — A really tough opponent that you’re a little surprised didn’t get a one seed…perhaps derailed by injuries.  In PETA’s case, they have those starlets in those posters that say, “I’d rather go naked than wear fur.”  I don’t really even have an opinion on the fur issue…but those posters make me care a little. For obvious reasons. But the constant harping that my meat farms are cruel, that Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t chicken, that I shouldn’t be eating meat because “Meat is murder,” and other non-sensical nonsense. Grr.It also doesnt’ help that, somehow, I got on PETA’s mailing list. Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA…STOP SENDING ME EMAILS!!!!  I DON’T CARE ABOUT MEAT’S FEELINGS!!  I CARE ABOUT MEAT’S FLAVOR!!!!

Ok, Michael Vick. I sympathize with the hatred, because I love dogs. I loooooove dogs. Sometimes more than humans. Actually…a lot of times more than humans. So believe when I say that Michael Vick’s behavior at his dog fighting kennel was deplorable. Awful. Terrible. However…he paid his debt. He didn’t kill anyone. There are far more deplorable people in the NFL (murderers, rapists, etc.) to hate than Michael Vick.  And while I certainly won’t like him or follow his career with a ton of admiration, you won’t find me anywhere near a protest of him signing a nice fat contract with his new team, either.


  1. Walkamania says

    For some reason I feel someone or something has been left out, but I am not sure yet. I could see Milton Bradley being a strong 12 seed, but I can also see Vice President Biden and Bengals kicker Shayne Graham making the cut. Then again, they may have already made the big D-bag dance. Hollllla

  2. paulmbanks says

    awwww. thank you for the comments about my Twitter!

    good use of Chris Rock! Is there anything he doesn’t know? He’s always one! all the time. as for Hizzoner, or Da mare, he pretty much is a fact of life here. It’s usiseless to love or hate him. he just is…it’s like hating the weather, what are you going to do? you can’t change the weather any more than you can change dalye out of office

  3. paulmbanks says

    but my vote goes to rosenthal. he’s always been a glorified PR flak for MLB, and he brought NOTHING to the table of the Jerod incident. he looked like the biggest douche EVER during that exchange!

  4. Melissa W. says

    Is that Walkamania posting on our blog? As in THE Walkaclaus from the true dirty south?? THANKS MAN if it is! You commented on the Bengals, which means it probably is.

    I’m going to go with Andre Agassi and Mike Tyson racing pigeon!! CAW CAW! Heck yes. Um, I appreciate the fact that the Midwest and Milwaukee are the derty south. Don’t care what region I am; and that’s half the beauty of an NIT Douchebracket…

  5. Melissa W. says

    Is this THE Walkamania, Walkaclaus, commenting?? Love it! Must be, you wrote about the Bengals.

    Um, I vote for Mike Tyson and Andre Agassi for sure. And I love that Midwest and Milwaukee as my region is ambiguous…beauty of the NIT!

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