Welcome to This Week in the TSBFL! All the teams have officially registered a win, beating out even the NFL in that category! We also saw some very big blowouts in those wins, including two that featured double their opponent’s score, and then some. At this point, expect to see some trade rumors floating around, and some coaching changes. Let’s here from our ecstatic/disappointed/complacent GM/Coaches:
(GM Soxman, head coach Paul M. Banks)
On their first win of the 2009 Season
Paul M. Banks: We had a good week. Our defense played strong and pretty much set the tone for our win. We needed to make a statement and we did (49ers Def had 49 points).
Soxman: I promised change and I delivered. Luckily my hunches paid off, and our top draft picks played like they were supposed to.
On leading the league with 131 total fantasy points
Banks: We are still 1-3. Scores are irrelevant. Next question.
Soxman: Agree with coach Banks. If we score 131 and lose, what difference does it make?
On their opponent, Free Plax
Banks: They are a good team on paper, but we were the better team today.
Soxman: My comments when we win are the same as when we lose. Free Plax was last week. We are now focused on week 5.
Who is the biggest surprise on their team thus far?
Banks: Ronnie Brown has emerged as one of the top rushers in the game.
Soxman: Eddie Royal has been a surprise bust.
“Plax might be cut this week because we lost. Our efforts to free him from jail have been unsuccessful. We’re still working with the league on getting his prison yard games to count for fantasy stats.” – Drew Rosenhaus
After bending team penetration over last week, it feels good to be on top. This week’s challenge is to show some stamina and last another round. A lot of sexual analogies here but when you’re playing teams like team Penetration and Large, Oval balls the mind seems to get in a rut. And it bodes well for future Coor’s Light commercials. Players getting their first start in the bye week did a great job. Hines Ward came through with over 100 yards receiving and the Bengals defense played solidly. The Packers’ sex-like abstinence towards running the football has been effective for fantasy numbers, as Aaron Rodgers had a solid stats performance trying to come from behind. There are still some wrinkles to be ironed out as the season goes on, however. Clinton Portis still has not scored a TD and the Ram’s limp offense could use Viagra, which has left Stephen Jackson vulnerable to some S and M type beatings. Overall, though feeling very confident about our chances this week. A message for this week’s opponent, Large, Oval Balls: prepare to be blue.
I have one thing to say about this week’s loss, then I’m putting Le’Ron McClain and LenDale White on Weight Watchers:
I will start Lawrence Phillips, Rashaan Salaam, Michael Bennett, Tyrone Wheatley, Samkon Gado, a one-legged Marion Barber, and the current version of Earl Campbell (yes, with the crutches) before I turn to another fat running back. Both of these large, amoeba-like blobs combined for 0 points this week, when the questionably healthy Marion Barber put up 12 points. George Costanza has failed me once again, but this is rock bottom. Two of my best players (Steve Smith and Michael Turner) were on byes and are back for good, injury pending. There’s nowhere to go but up now, but God do I hate guys with a top Madden speed of 85.
The Stafford Effect
(H. Jose Bosch)
I’m very proud of our team’s performance against Large, Oval Balls. Let’s face it, every week our opponent has had a defense that’s been more dominant than the Steel Curtain Steelers of the 70’s. Oddly enough this year’s Steelers defense has sucked an almost cost us this week. Fortunately the Steelers have the Lions this week, which means I should get more than five points from a defense that has been as impotent as Bob Dole.
I’m also going to pat myself on the back for starting Eli Manning over Drew Brees. And I thought watching ESPN’s pregame show would be a bad idea.
Purple Jesus is My Homeboy
I’m turning this week’s press conference over to my receiving core which showed up huge last week. First at the podium is Mike Sims-Walker.
MS-W: what’s up y’all?
Peter King: who are you? Where did you come from? Why do you have two last names? Are you trying to emulate your teammate Maurice Jones-Drew?
MS-W: that’s cold Mr. King. I’m the leading receiver of all three NFL teams in Florida. Don’t be hatin, I hate you Mr. King. I’m out.
Uhhh, could someone escort Peter King off the premises? Sidney Rice is next.
SR: Guys, I’ve got a quick statement. Playing with Brett Favre is awesome. Like the best ever. I loved playing football before my quarterback was Brett, but now I love football more than everything. I could go to the Pro Bowl. I repeat, THE PRO BOWL! I’m gonna savor this moment…. Drink it in.
Ok, this didn’t really go as planned… I’ve got a gameplan to develop. As for quotes for you guys: Big win, all wins are big, top spot is a balancing act, we’ve got a target on our back, everyone’s gunning for us, one week at a time, blah blah blah. See you next week.