Douchebracket Peter Christian Regional Finals


by Peter Christian

After two weekends of match-ups of in the NCAA Tournament, it’s possible you may have missed the action in the Peter Christian Regional of the Sports Bank Douchebrackets. Maybe it was because of the immensely entertaining games on the hardcourt or maybe it was because our TV contract with Spike TV hadn’t been ironed out yet. Either way, you missed out on some fierce douchebaggery and even some scuzzbucketry as well. Pepper Brooks (the Gus Johnson of the Douchebrackets) nearly lost his mind and actually did lose his pants 3 times while calling the action and Kevin Federline was off his lazy rocking chair in flabbergastment at least a dozen times while providing color commentary.

As a refresher, take a look at the 1st round match ups of the Peter Christian Regional

Here’s a recap of the first 2 rounds:

In the play-in game John Shuster had an opportunity to win the game with easy lay-ups at the end of regulation, overtime, double OT and triple OT before finally completely giving up and dropping a deuce on the court as the creator of the play-in game advanced to face off against the douche-uggernaut David Kahn.

Kahn however promptly shut out the play-in game creator with his awful logic, arrogant behavior and stupid media campaign to try and convince people that he’s going to make the Timberwolves into a contender. What they’ll be contending for is undetermined.

The best first round match up belonged to Roger Goodell and Adam Schefter as they were in a fast paced battle of zero defense and both guys throwing their biggest and best offensive attacks at the other. Schefter sealed the win in the final seconds after Goodell again tried to flex the muscle of his Player Conduct Policy, which obviously failed. Schefter’s smirk as time expired caused Goodell to try cutting his wrists with a manila envelope.

However, Schefter was out of gas when he ran into David Kahn (I’ll be honest, this level of douchieness is rarely seen. Kahn was absolutely on fire. So full of himself, so sure his way was right, so oblivious of the fact that people HATE him). The Timberwolves GM rolled into the Sweet 16 by treating Schefter like a naive 14 year old, even though Schefter was obviously more intelligent. Kahn’s ability to talk down to people who are clearly smarter than him is uncanny.

Tracy McGrady fulfilled the now cliche  12-5 upset over Comcast by continuing to tell anyone who listened that he thinks that he will be a Knick next season even though over 100 people tried to explain the free agent market this summer is stacked and that the Knicks are going to try and sign 2 players who aren’t over the hill to max contracts. He still doesn’t get it.

Nick Punto was a sexy pick to upset Tim Tebow in the first round but Tebow was having none of it. Every time the crowd thought Punto was going to get back in to the game with a costly baserunning error or by inexplicably diving into first base even though its been proven to him over and over that it isn’t faster than simply running through the base, Tebow would start talking about how blessed he is to stall Punto’s rally.

Tebow then matched up with Tracy McGrady and jumped to an early lead by soaking up all the undeserved media attention and even making himself bleed to try and gain the support of the fans, but McGrady came storming back in the 2nd half with an onslaught of bad attitude and behavior (the same stuff he did to get sent away from the Rockets) to make it close. Yet again, Tebow was able to withstand with the help of a few questionable calls by officials that were obviously Pro-li.. er Pro-Tebow.

In the bottom half of the bracket, it wasn’t pretty. In fact it was a downright clusterf*#k.

Flo of the Progressive Commercials advanced easily over the laziness of the Sportscenter and ESPNews staffs in the early matchup.

However, it was only minutes later until all Hell broke loose. The Milwaukee Brewers dominated Tiger Woods with their flaunting of the construction of the Bud Selig statue. Tiger even wrote a speech to concede the match-up to the Brewers, but the Crew front office put the mock up of the Selig statue in front of the camera so no one could see Tiger. The Brewers then had Flo on the ropes in the 2nd round by showing a highlight tape of the construction of Miller Park (totally tactless to the construction workers that gave their lives to that stadium) and the All Star game that ended in a tie. But Flo was able to get back on her feet by squeezing out a handful of even less funny Progressive commercials which helped her into the Sweet 16.

Then the sleeper of the Regional, Rick Reilly fell flat on his face. Urban Meyer had Reilly crossed up with a fake retirement to start the match-up and didn’t let up. Meyer’s pattern of making a statement then doing the exact opposite gave Reilly fits and led to Rick’s early trip home. Maybe next year Rick.

Gary Bettman seemed to be easily handling his first round match-up vs. Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor until, out of nowhere, Taylor started hiring unqualified people to help him and then allowed those same new hires to screw over his entire fan base. Taylor’s comeback was epic, yet he fell just short at the buzzer. However, Bettman’s luck ran out against the indecisive, reporter berating Urban Meyer in the 2nd round. Bettman looked overmatched. Meyer rolled into the Sweet 16 with ease. Meyer even parlayed his domination over Bettman into an interview on the BS Report as he was labeled as one of the best douche’s in the tournament and that he could compete against the best of the best.

Regional Semi-Finals:

#1 David Kahn vs. #4 Tim Tebow

Tebow waltzed into his Sweet 16 Match with a chip on his shoulder, he’d allowed both of his previous opponents to make a game of their match-ups after dominating early. Kahn on the other hand had mowed down his competition with ease. Tebow was able to limit Kahn early by distracting him with awards he didn’t really deserve, but it was only a matter of time until Kahn destroyed Tebow. Even God couldn’t save Tebow from the douche-stink Kahn emits. Kahn was masterful in his double speak and eventually even made Tebow walk away saying “Jesus, that guy is a douchebag.”

#6 Flo from Progressive Commercials vs. #10 Urban Meyer

With the possibility of a player vs. his former coach gone, Meyer started deflated and flat. Flo strutted around with her patented “sitting down walking” style all over Meyer. Even Meyer’s lame, half-assed apology couldn’t get him back into the game and Flo advanced to the Regional Finals.

Regional Finals

#1 David Kahn vs. #6 Flo from Progressive Commercials

Who will win? Who has the edge? Leave your comments, because your insight will help me decide the winner of the Peter Christian Regional who will move onto the Douchebracket Final Four to meet the winner of the David Kay Regional.


  1. paulmbanks says

    Flo- all the way! Every f—ng channel I watch has those GOD AWFUL Progressive insurance commercials on all the freaking time! Who greenlighted this shit? serioulsy, now she shows up on web banner ads too! OMG, I can’t stand here!

  2. Melissa W. says

    I know Flo is awful, but Kahn has just been dominating all year in the CallOuts section. I think Kahn holds more weight in his sporting world than Flo holds in her marketing world and so Kahn is just the Big East to Flo’s Horizon League. Kahn all the way for being useless. Flo was hired to be useless on purpose and the ad firm that came up with her should lose its insurance from Progressive as punishment and be forced to pay for All State.

  3. Chris Larsen says

    David Con should win the whole damn thing. How about Minnesota sports in general?

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