Douchebracket Peter Christian Regional

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By Peter Christian

We’ve expanded the field to 65 Douchey entities this year, which means only one thing: Play-in game. Yep, you read that right. Of course, I lobbied and begged and pleaded to get the play-in game in my bracket just because I had the perfect matchup of awful that would fit perfectly into a Douchebracket play-in game. It helped that no one else really cared enough to take the play-in game away from me too. Let’s get to that match-up first.

Play-in game

#16 A Play-in Game Creator vs. #16 B John Shuster

This might be the most epic battle of the entire tournament. On one hand you’ve got a faceless asshat that created the most worthless addition to the NCAA tournament in the history of everything and then on the other you’ve got the most anti-clutch Olympic *cough* athlete… *giggle, giggle* in Olympic history. This could be the first “toss-up” where both parties don’t even try to win.

Moving on to the real match-ups:

#1 David Kahn vs. Play-in game winner

It’s really no surprise that Kahn gets the top seed in my regional; I’ve been possibly the most vocal anti-Kahn-ite Timberwovles fan in the world. All of that negative sentiment, however, doesn’t change the fact that David Kahn is widely thought of as the biggest tool among all NBA GM’s (also a reason Mike Dunleavy was fired, if he couldn’t hold that title, what good was he?) and definitely the least qualified. I’ve heard other Kahn haters (yes Andy Weise, they are abundant) refer to him as a stereotypical used car salesman, which I disagree with because I don’t think Kahn is intelligent enough to be a used car salesman. Kahn has the stuff to go far in this tournament.

#8 Roger Goodell vs. #9 Adam Schefter

A pairing of two football guys who have let their position go to their head. Goodell continues to preach his Player Conduct Policy which without question has been an epic failure at conforming NFL players to being model citizens and also has the very recent issue of screwing over the New York Jets with a shady coin toss that no one saw. Goodell is inconsistent at times but when he messes up, he messes up big. His push to keep the sham of the StarCaps trial going is another prime example of his douchiness. Meanwhile, Schefter had a big first year for the Worldwide Leader. He annoyed many with his pompous on-air attitude then later infuriated thousands with his fake “Schism” story about the Minnesota Vikings locker room being divided because of Brett Favre. Stay tuned on this one, it’s likely gonna need more than regulation to settle it.

#5 Comcast vs. #12 Tracy McGrady

Between Comcast’s natural sucking at life and hating their own customers, you’d think they would be a mortal lock to move on. Add in the whole forcing DirecTV to pay more than other providers for the rights to air the cable network Versus (owned by Comcast) and Comcast could be a sneaky sleeper to get to the Elite 8 or even win the PC Regional. Don’t discount Comcast’s first round match-up though. T-Mac bitched and moaned is way out of favor in Houston to actually be paid to not be around the team and eventually became the piece in a trade that  made the New York Knicks major players in this summer’s free agent market. What’s worse for Tracy is that he’s so oblivious to the current atmosphere of the NBA and what is going to happen in just a few months that he thinks that he could still be a member of the Knicks next year. Tracy’s ineptness and unbelievable naivety could be enough to take down the telecom giant in round one.

#4 Tim Tebow vs. #13 Nick Punto

These two athletes are pretty much the antithesis of each other. Tebow is glory hound that is a natural athlete, vocal leader and a huge benefactor of being surrounded by undervalued talent. Punto is a scrappy, hard working, hustle guy that always tries to do too much in a crucial spot. Tebow is in this regional for his arrogant and skewed views of religion and morality while Punto got in for his constant inability to stay within himself and play smart when it counts. Whether it’s his ability to pick the absolute worst moment to take a dump on the baselines or his incapability to make a strong throw across the diamond, he’s not a guy who should be in the lineup everyday. Yet somehow…

#6 Flo from the Progressive Commercials vs. #11 ESPNews/Sportscenter

Flo is the worst thing on TV. Period. She sucks. She’s annoying, worthless, obnoxious, riot inciting and skin crawlingly ugly. Yet, she continues to keep pumping out Progressive ads like a poor, redneck, trailer park in Alabama living woman squeezes out kids. Outside of the fact that Flo makes me want to stab my ear drums with a steak knife and claw my eyes out with an eagle’s talons I am most flabbergasted that she’s made all these terrible commercials, made more than a decent living and still hasn’t figured out that if she’s gonna be super pale, wearing white and surrounded by white on millions of HD TVs, she should get her effing teeth whitened. Every time she smiles she looks like she just rinsed her teeth in red wine, tobacco, urine and concrete.  Even with ESPNews and Sportscenter’s antics of becoming a joke of sports news show and becoming less reliable than Gary Busey as a brain surgeon (i.e. reporting Joe Nathan as a left handed closer, true story), there’s NO way Flo loses in the first round. NO WAY!

#3 Tiger Woods vs. #14 Milwaukee Brewers

Look, I like the Brewers, I really do. I feel like I’m always reiterating that point. Just because the Twins mop the floor with the Brewers every summer in their interleague series doesn’t mean I hate the Brewers. I like their team, their stadium and even their city. However, when a team (any team) announces that they are not only going to pay for, but also display a statue of Bud Selig, that’s where I draw the line. You do not honor a guy who was instrumental in voiding an entire post season, turning a blind eye to the worst black mark on the sport for a decade, came within hours of contracting two teams with more than 30 years of history each and has played patsy to the big time owners in the sport. You just don’t. Just like you don’t have a million affairs with barely above average women for a decade while portraying yourself as a wholesome, model citizen. It’s bad form. It’s worse form when you then go on national TV to give a horribly written, terribly delivered speech to apologize to people who didn’t need an apology to begin with. #3 seeds rarely worry about a first round upset. Tiger should be worried.

#7 Rick Reilly vs. #10 Urban Meyer

Reilly has douche down to a science. He’s going to be a douchebracket candidate for the next 15 years which is really saying something because he’s in his early 50’s. Usually people try and end their douchey behavior by the time they hit the age 40, but Reilly, something of a late bloomer, is in his douche-prime. He tries SO hard to be funny, creative, and hip that he always comes off as the guy who really wants to be part of the in-crowd and will do ANYTHING to impress them. Whether it’s degrading the modern writing style of blogs, being a Tiger Woods apologist or it’s trying to be witty and snarky as the host of ESPN’s Homecoming with Rick Reilly, he’s a blow hard. On the other side you have Urban Meyer who for some reason developed such a yearning for the spotlight that he went as far to say he’s retiring for health issues, only to give a half assed retraction and continue to leak out more information about his continued involvement with the University of Florida football program so that he remains in the news and at the front of everyone’s mind.

#2 Gary Bettman vs. # Glen Taylor

Talk about a match-up of two guys who blindly watch as the entities they are supposed to be watching over get pile driven into the ground so far that they are actually considered to be “On the way up” in the Eastern Hemisphere. Bettman has a great product in the NHL that he refuses to market properly or manage to a bigger profit. He is coming off one of the most successful international hockey tournaments ever (probably since the Canada Cup in 1987) in the 2010 Winter Olympics and celebrates by saying, “I’m not sure if I’ll allow NHL players to play in the 2014 Olympics because I really hate having new people watch the sport” (I made the last half of that quote up, but it wouldn’t shock me if he said it). Bettman’s other travesties include: his inability to welcome the new age of internet media into the NHL and of course the epic failure of his handling of the bankruptcy/sale of the Phoenix Coyotes. Then you’ve got Glen Taylor who has stood idly by as first Kevin McHale destroyed an up and coming basketball franchise, then hired an ill-qualified candidate to take the reigns and piss on the ashes of the McHale-splosion. I know Taylor is an uber-savvy businessman but as an owner of an NBA team, he is less than adequate and leaves a ton to be desired.

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Comments

  1. paulmbanks says

    wowwww this is going to be tough! You did a better job eviscerating Flo than I would have done, so this is why I gave you here for your brackets

  2. Melissa W. says

    I’ve read both of yours so far guys! NICE! I’m actually in agreement of the Milwaukee Brewers; but you really mean their front office, Pete. And yeah, they ARE sorta silly to put Bud Selig there. Then again he did create revenue sharing; of which the team wouldn’t exist without…Maybe they should have compromised and given him a plaque but not a statue.

  3. Kahn vs. the LF could be a LEGENDARY Final Four game…

  4. Charley Davis says

    The #9 seed Schefter runs to the final. I can’t stand that guy. On the bright side, the NFL Network is much more palatable without him.

  5. I like David Con and ESPN to advance. Con has to cut the nets down in this regional. Everytime I hear those stupid ads on the radio I cringe. Who in their right mind would buy T-wolves season tickets? Seriously?

    ESPN is my Washington out of this bracket. They have become so damn lazy. I watched OTL at 2PM and their phone interview crashed due to a bad signal. At 4PM they ran the same episode without fixing the problem. You guys run a national f-ing network guys. Retape the 2minutes of the damn interview so it doesn’t look like crap. Could someone please take the f-ing tongue ring out of Sage Steele’s mouth? I love tongue rings on college girls and strippers or strippers who are college girls. National television sports anchors should not have tongue rings.

    I give Punto the nod in a classic 4-13 matchup. The 7-10 has to be one of the toughest matchups in the bracket. I have to go with Meyer in the upset but for Urban the shows over in the second round.

  6. What is a Peter Christian

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