Douchebracket NIT: Durty South Regional Semi-Finals


By Paul Schmidt

I’m sitting here typing this up, trying to keep my son from bawling and watching two guys let Ethan Kanaan die of a heart attack on 24, and I’m wishing that both of them could be in the bracket.  I’ve tried starting writing this 20 times, but the boy keeps shrieking, and I’m enthralled that two people would try to kill one of my favorite 24 characters of all time but leave Renee freaking Walker alive.  I’m almost glad 24 is ending because this is the constant headache I get every week when watching.

Now there’s a preview for a new Tom Cruise movie co-starring Cameron Diaz, and all I can think is that I’d kind of like to see it…and now I think that **I** need to be in the Douchebracket too…I should just write this thing.

When last we left you, we had 16 competitors vying for the title out of the Douchey, Durty South region. However, we’re down to four here now, moving on to the Elite 8 of NIT Doucheyness.

Here’s how the matchups broke down.

#9 Mayor Richard M. Daley
I know what you’re all thinking — another 9 seed advancing to the regional semifinals?  I get it. However, this isn’t exactly the same thing. But before we get to that, let’s recap Hizzoner’s games.

Daley took down his opponents in what should have been a closely contested 8-9 game, but wasn’t — There was no way Daley was going to let the people who oppose him get the best of him.  No chance whatsoever. Some of them haven’t been seen since the matchup.  You know, really, the less said about this the better…

The Bachelor disposed of Mike Tyson’s reality show about his pigeons racing fairly easily as well — have you seen Tyson fight lately??  It was probably simpler than you think — setting up an intriguing 1 vs. 9 game between the crap-ABC reality show and Hizzoner. On the surface, one would think the reality show juggernaut would run away with this one, but somehow, surprisingly, this was close. All the early returns showed the Bachelor winning with a three to one margin, but Daley ended up winning in the final vote tally by a few hundred votes. Perhaps votes from such famous (and dead) luminaries such as John Wayne Gacy, John Gotti and even former Chicago mayor Harold Washington pushed the mayor over the top…

#5 Evan “The Villain” Turner
The Villain was ticketed for an early departure from the bracket, but his performance against Tennessee in the Sweet Sixteen solidified his place in our Elite Eight…

The Villain easily disposed of David Beckham, as his injury even prevented him from getting to the polls. His opponent in the next round was Andre Agassi’s charity tennis tournament meltdown, who themselves easily took down college football recruiting (after recruiting’s attempt to provide us with an SUV to win their first round matchup failed). He would have much more trouble in the second round, however, as the pure doucheyness and, more importantly, premeditation of Agassi’s act (he had a dollar bill in his pocket while he was playing tennis, seriously??) took over the whole game.

However, Agassi’s big weakness was that he couldn’t make this any more douchey — it happened and he was done. The Villain, however, took his to another level in their loss to the Vols. He took two threes with under ten seconds left, all while he was a 29 percent three point shooter this season. The first was somewhat excusable — you give your best player a chance to win the game. The second was not, however, as he had a much taller player on him, was off balance, and had two wide open teammates in John Diebler and William Buford close by who are both violently better three point shooters. After the inevitable blocked shot left The Villain sitting on the ground, he whined about the no-call to the official (despite the fact the block was very clearly clean), and then sat and waited for someone to come over and help him up.  When Diebler did come over to help him up, he shook off his help and immediately popped up — he wanted someone to come help him up so, for the last time this season, he could say, “No, I don’t need you.” It makes you ask the question of whether or not his teammates actually like The Villain.  I’m sure that they like playing with Turner…but do they actually like him?

He advances, so we’ll have a little more time to figure it out.

#6 Ken Rosenthal
The can-do, intrepid Fox reporter moves on.

While many thought Chip Caray was a sexy pick to, ahem, FIST his was into the second round, Rosenthal incorrectly reported that Caray’s wife was divorcing him, thus confusing poor Chip into a state of depression until it was revealed that it just wasn’t true. But by then, it was too late. Rosenthal deflected all the criticism by blaming Jerod Morris of Midwest Sports Fans.

Rosenthal then dispatched of the Redskins as a nickname by reporting that Daniel Snyder was changing the team name to the Fighting Money Spenders. Only after several thousand Hogs (the ‘skins fans) committed Hari Kari in protest did Rosenthal retract the story.  He claimed Morris drugged him and convinced him the story was true.

Plus, Rosenthal has to move on, as I’m convinced that he Googles his name daily and is reading this. You can’t tell me otherwise.

This was just an easy, easy path for the animal lovers.

They first had to dispose of the Michael Vick haters, which wasn’t so difficult at the beginning, because Vick for the most part doesn’t have a team right now. PETA tricked Vick into coming out to one of their rallies, and made him fight in a ring against a bunch of rottweilers. Appropriate, maybe, but it doesn’t make PETA any less stupid.

They advanced to take on the #10 seed, Everyone being on Twitter, who scored a mild upset over Everyone being on Facebook (and celebrated in 140 characters or less, of course). As it turns out, Twitter hates PETA just as much as everyone else, which PETA was able to use to their advantage.  Their spies found out that all of Twitter’s computers are powered by 23 million gerbils running around and around and around…made it easier for them to advance.

Who will win it all?  Stay tuned…


  1. paulmbanks says

    Hans would certainly agree with you about the final sequence in the OSU game. I had a terrible vantage pt. on that, but from what I saw in replays it was all ball.and we all agree he NEEDED to pass instead of taking the 2nd shot.

    I actually hate Diebler more. he might be in my douchebrakcet next year.

    It’s funny how you call him the villain when everyone else at this site calls his his royal smoothness

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