Douchebracket: McCormick Regional

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By Jake McCormick

Unsurprisingly, my inaugural season doing a douchebracket took about two minutes to compile. Plenty of quality, and well-deserving, people, places and things worthy of the title “douche” were left off this bracket. So rest assured, this will be an extremely competitive bracket, as we live in a day and age that encourages massively stupid actions worthy of national recognition.

#1 Texas Board of Education vs. #16 Rozlyn Papa
In a decision straight out of 1918, the Texas Board of Education (surprisingly split along party lines) decided that history was too liberal, so they decided to encourage a revisionist perspective. Imagine being taught that Joseph McCarthy was right, Thomas Jefferson wasn’t that important, and the government and Christianity were made to be bed fellows.

Papa had her Tupac “Me Against The World” moment on The Bachelor “Girls Tell All” recently when she squared off against every other contestants and the show’s host, Chris Harrison. One by one, each girl told of an instance where they knew Rozlyn had shown her affection towards one of the show’s producers, and she vehemently denied everything. She went so far as to throw a punch at Harrison’s groin with a comment about how he had been hitting on that producers wife.

#2 “-Gate” labels vs. #15 USC, Lane Kiffin, and their shared violations
Memo to every major media outlet/beat writer: STOP with the Watergate rip-off comparisons. It’s been used to describe so many controversies that I’m convinced the majority of this country has no idea where the suffix originate, how Watergate got its name, and the details of the scandal.

USC and Lane Kiffin got snubbed a bit, but calling out a BCS university for recruiting violations and illegal player benefits is like challenging a seven year old to a three point contest. USC chose to replace a likable (and supposedly clean) Pete Carroll with an opportunistic, spoiled coach’s child with some pretty heavy baggage of NCAA investigation papers. Would you hire an ex-con as a sheriff?

#3 NCAA Tournament expansion vs. #14 Lindsay Lohan
I get why coaches would be in favor of expanding the NCAA Tournament field: money, money, money. More teams means more coaches look good, and thus keep their jobs for fielding mediocre teams. As Charles Oakley said: “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.”

Does Lindsay, the milkaholic on the Super Bowl E-Trade commercial, make you automatically think Lindsay Lohan? That’s what Lohan believes was the company’s intentions. No one cares enough about Lohan nowadays to even make fun of her. Until she gave us another reason to do so. Apparently the profits for “I Know Who Killed Me” aren’t supporting Lohan’s fabulous lifestyle chasing the white tiger with Svedka.

#4 Ben Roethlisberger vs. #13 Evgeni Plushenko
Roethlisberger’s place on this list is a no-brainer, regardless of the validity of his most recent foray into the athlete-accuser spotlight. In the last four years, Roethlisberger has had two sexual assault controversies, and almost prevented either from occurring when he crashed his motorcycle while speeding without a helmet.

If we were still in the Cold War, the figure skating battle between Plushenko and Evan Lysacek would’ve been the real life Rocky vs. Ivan Drago. I know nothing about figure skating and knew from watching both skater’s routines that Lysacek was nearly flawless. Complaining doesn’t change anything when the medals are handed out, and Plushenko should just be happy to have a rival in his event.

#5 Laura Ingraham/Tea Party “Movement” vs. #12 Bad NBA teams waiting for the summer
Like Iraq War protesters, there’s a viable issue that’s completely buried underneath illogically contradictory people in the Tea Party Movement. Laura Ingraham and her revision of Pastor Martin Niemoeller’s “First They Came…” poem about the Holocaust should have vaulted this one to the top spot. Inflated government budgets didn’t just magically appear a year ago, and these are the same people that were laughing at anti-war protesters and calling them unpatriotic.

If you’re an NBA superstar and you have a chance to sign with almost any team you want when you become a free agent, would you go to a foundation that has been barely laid or a house already half built? I just hope a few teams get screwed for wallowing in the NBA basement for multiple seasons just for one summer of free agency.

#6 Tiger Woods’ mistresses vs. #11 Royce White, Jeremiah Masoli, etc.
Remember how funny it was that Steve Phillips’ mistress was comparing the pain of her national ridicule to the problems faced by Phillips’ wife? Hopefully she got at least a few calls from Tiger Woods’ skank brigade when a few of them started crying wolf about their inner pain at finding out Woods didn’t love them like he said. The bottom line is that every single one of Woods’ lovers was nothing but a booty call, and it shouldn’t be that hard to accept.

The mistresses’ competitors are immature on a whole another level. It’s no secret that most athletes have the sense of entitlement and invincibility felt by most 16 year olds, but most find a limit or don’t get in real trouble until they become professionals. It’s representative of a totally selfish way of thought, where guys like Masoli and White don’t care to think about how their actions will affect an entire athletic program as well as their own futures.

#7 Bill Simmons and his Woods/Ali comparison vs. #10 SportsNation
When Bill Simmons got called out for making a live chat comparison between Muhammad Ali’s return from exile and Tiger Woods’ return from patching up his private life, he proceeded to write a full length column explaining why it made sense and insisted on responding to Keith Olbermann’s call-out. Simply put, you can’t make fun of people and whine when someone does it back to you, especially if that’s pretty much all you do.

With Colin Cowherd’s terrible impressions and costumes, the show’s focus on ultimately meaningless opinions from the general public, and the Tool Academy crowd that hoots and hollers every time there’s a break in conversation, SportsNation just pushes me farther and farther away from ESPN’s monopolistic grip on sports coverage. What does a bar graph representing the country’s opinion of Mike Leach prove?

#8 Sweat on a workout machine vs. #9 The 2009 Monday Night Football crew
It’s common knowledge that after you use a machine at a fitness club (Anytime Fitness, in my case), you should wipe it free of your workout sweat. Based on my year long observations as a regular at three different locations, most people don’t carry these sentiments, and they’re typically a little festively plump.

It’s only fair that I call out all three MNF announcers because they all contributed to the continuation of crappy coverage of a once exciting part of the NFL schedule. Everything and everyone was “Great!” “Gutsy!” “Tough!” “Amazing!” “Awesome!” “Favre-ian” in the eyes of Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden, who deserves this distinction the most. Jaworski at least contributes some play-analysis, but Gruden looked like a timid puppet the whole season, and his “Chuckie” attitude and flare for the dramatic were non-existent.

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Comments

  1. your 3-seed is a dangerous team in this bracket

  2. paulmbanks says

    Lohan’s lawsuit is the dumbest thing eevr. Lindsay has been a slag/bimbo name for generations. Unless you’re talking about Daily Herald reporter Lindsey Wilhite- he’s a fine upstanding statesman of a journalist.

    #5 seed all the way. I would call those people who follow her and the movement retarded, but that would be way too much of an insult to retarded people

  3. Melissa W. says

    3 Seed, 5 Seed as both mentioned above and then 4 Seed. By the way, when you know someone who’s face resembles Ben R. and then you hear MORE about Ben R. being accused of sexual assault, it really makes you loathe in disgust of the person who resembles him. I can’t even look at Ben R. pictures because of that. I’m emotionally assaulted each time…

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