Douchebracket McCormick Regional Finals

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By Jake McCormick

Click here to read the full douchebracket.

My dad once had a bumper sticker that read, “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” Coincidentally, this perfectly describes the first round of winners for my 2010 Douchebracket, as the top seeds are largely entities rather than people. Individual stupidity should be taken as such, but when a group of people reek of idiocy, they can pummel any competition standing in their way.

The semifinal showdowns will be almost as epic as Clash of the Titans, except without a kraken or Liam Neeson dressed as Gandalf. Be prepared for a true battle of dimwittedness and ignorance.

Regional Finalist #1: No. 1 Texas Board of Education
Is there really any way to argue against pure ignorance to proven facts? The Texas Board of Education mopped the floor with their competition because of their willingness to teach faith and opinions as fact. Words really can’t describe how truly embarrassing this is for America and how truly laughable it is for those of us not going to school in Texas. Thank god that moron that talked secession last year will win the governor’s race; it’s becoming harder and harder to defend those chosen to run this crazy state.

Rozlyn Papa put up a fairly impressive fight against the Texas Board of Education. But at the end of the day, political stupidity will always trump reality show stupidity. Papa’s 15 minutes of fame are up, whereas the Texas Board remains a national laughing stock. Along the same lines, fat people sweating on workout machines couldn’t outweigh the impact of a regression in common sense in one of our biggest states.

Regional Finalist #2:  No. 5 Tea Party Movement
Ben Roethlisberger did his best to prove that 27 year old multimillionaire franchise quarterbacks can have the common sense of a Jersey Shore cast member, but the Tea Party Movement pretty much solidified their spot in the finals of this bracket with their involvement in recent violence and threats against Democratic members of Congress.

What was that bumper sticker these people were touting in 2000? “Bush Won…Get Over It!!!” Well, the WASP-dominated organization lost the health care debate…get over it! Nothing screams douche like a laundry list of contradictory actions.

Evgeni Plushenko talked a pretty tough game, but the reality of facing a big oaf like Roethlisberger (with about 15 beers in him) set in after about 10 minutes when he realized no one in either country cares about ice dancing or skating if it’s non-Olympic related. I guess you have to be loudest when you have the biggest stage, but you still won’t be as big of a douche as a professional football .

Regional Finalist #3: No. 3 NCAA Tournament expansion advocates
Anytime money is the biggest motivating factor, douchiness shines the brightest. It was really a close fight between Tiger Woods’ mistresses and tournament expansion advocates, but the 15 minutes of fame rule once again applies here. Woods’ booty calls will be remembered as such forever, but will be out of the headlines the second he steps foot on the course at Augusta. NCAA Tournament expansion advocates, in the words of Norma Jean, simply will not die.

There will always be someone trying to argue that it would be a great idea to let over half the league in the bracket. For a counter argument, I give you…the 2010 tournament! I had Kentucky and Kansas in the final (with Kansas winning) and only have Kentucky and Duke alive in my Final Four. However, if Kentucky loses, I win one of my pools by a landslide, and even if they win I should finish in the top three. If that doesn’t prove how unpredictable the tournament is with 64 teams, I don’t know what to say.

Regional Finalist #4:  No. 2 “-Gate” labels
I wish I could pick a dark horse out of this group, but media laziness and unoriginality is a step below regressive laws and moronic violence as far as douchiness is concerned. I know that media writing is typically done on the fifth grade level (at least that’s what I was trained), but using “-Gate” so frequently slowly degrades their own industry’s biggest accomplishment. Even Bill Simmons and his backwards historical comparisons couldn’t match up to that.

Simmons gave a decent, 10,000 word fight, but by-and-large the “-Gate” label would’ve dominated any of the three competitors in this section of the bracket. Simmons then proceeded to write a 20,000 word column on the chances that he wins the douchebracket in 2011. USC is like the Wisconsin of douchiness; they always make the tournament, but will most likely never win because there’s always a bigger tool.

Unlike the current NCAA Tournament, the upsets were few and far between in my douchebracket. But what do you expect when large groups of people bond together as one giant bag of douche while individual tools are left to fend for themselves?

Comments

  1. paulmbanks says

    Tea Party!!! Tea partyers all the way

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