Douchebracket Finalist: Chicago Bears Media Relations

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There’s a reason every Chicago Bears press conference is the most boring and utterly useless experience in the world of sports. There’s a reason Lovie Smith is most worthless and yawn-inducing soundbite in the history of the city. (And Matt Forte isn’t far behind). There’s a reason Lovie is perfectly fine with presenting himself as a soulless corporate mouthpiece, who never says anything of substance. Ever.

That reason is the exact same reason a friend of mine who works in radio told me this story during an intermission of the Chicago Blackhawks‘ Stanley Cup playoffs run last year.

He had a Bears season pass. He missed one game to go on his honeymoon. One of the Bears’ Media Relations douchebags approached him and said that his season pass would be revoked. And this story is pretty much par for the course. Remember, this past season they denied Bob Costas access, and he was CALLING THEIR F—NG GAME ON TV THAT WEEK!!!! If I’m NBC, the Bears are not the primetime game next season.

I have friends that work in TV who joke that Bears PR stands for “Police Resistance.” It’s true! I personally know what it feels like to have some 110 lb. 20 year old white dipshit act like a hard-ass to me simply because I had an interest in covering practice. It’s Freaking PRACTICE!

It’s large men running around on a field! It’s not Centcom! You’re not protecting U.S. Military secrets you jack-ass! Now…imagine how this team would run things if they actually won something for once! If they actually accomplished something!

The more professional franchise media relations departments and University Sports Information Departments I deal with, the more I realize what an anomaly the Bears are. All other PR departments run the spectrum from aloof, but accommodating to extremely friendly and overwhelmingly helpful. Dealing with almost all of them other than the Bears has been a very pleasant experience.

And the most frightening aspect of this- the Bears front office takes pride is being the biggest pricks imaginable! Everything I’ve written here, would be considered a huge complement to what they do, if they took the time to read it.

They actually take sick pride in making you feel about as welcome as an Israeli national in Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Iran!

We await the winner of the McCormick Regional in the douchebracket Final Four! A reader poll will determine who advances to the Douchebracket title game.

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