Douchebracket Banks Regional

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Welcome to the d-bag bracket, a tournament deciding the most insufferable douchebags in all of sports. Please feel free to comment as much as possible, because your feedback will help determine who advances to the Final Four.

This is the bracket compiled by site founder Paul M. Banks

1. Bobby Knight-
Where do you start with this asshole? My heart goes out to his players and his children. Pat Knight is both, so he must have the highest pain tolerance of any human being alive.

2. Roger Clemens-
Quite possibly the worst liar in all history, Clemens’ used artificially enhanced brute strength to dumb down and destroy the intellectual element of strategy and finesse essential to the art of pitching. Great role model for kids too!

3. Notre Dame fans w/ no connection to the school-
Imagine if your school had the power to recruit fans based on ethnicity and religion. Then whenever you attended a game/alumni event featuring your alma mater, you could be surrounded by ignorant front-runner bandwagon jumping douchebags.

4. Over-commercialization & self-promotion of Sportscenter-
Remember when you were 14 and you stayed home from school and watched the replay of SC over and over again in the morning? It was easy to do then because the show was actually about stats, highlights and numbers- not promoting a cultural product of Disney or a crappy domestic beer

5. Eric “Basketball Judas” Gordon-
Indiana’s pathetic season has helped drop his seed down, but he still stabbed Illination in the back, just so he could ally himself with the biggest scumbag of college basketball

6. People who think Chris Berman is funny-
Unless you’re 9 years old or a huge fan of 70s rock, how can you find this bloated bloviating Bristol blowhole amusing? Are Bachman-Turner-Overdrive jokes about Eagles fullbacks that important in your life?

7. Peyton Manning’s incessant commercials-
He really does have a face for radio. Some of his ads are well-written, but they lose all their humor after the 4th or 5th showing. After the 3,456th showing, someone needs to be shot.

8. Pro-Chief Illiniwek zealots-
In a world with a climate crisis, an employment crisis, economic crisis, a healthcare crisis, the U.S. stuck in two unwinnable wars and whole host of other pressing issues, your pet cause is gonna be…perceived oppression by the p.c. police against a frat boy dancing for 5 minutes at halftime? GET A LIFE!

9. Anti-Chief Illiniwek zealots-
It’s not like there’s a shortage of causes in the world. With all our problems, we need grassroots involvement to show our corporate and government (perhaps I’m being redundant there) leaders that the people want to see results in things that matter. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM!

10. People who think Barry Bonds didn’t use ‘roids-
There are tons of people who think Saddam was responsible for 9/11, there are people who think Bush, Cheney et al did not deliberately lie us into the Iraq war. Likewise there are millions of idiots who think Barry is being oppressed by a racist witch hunt. I’d don’t want to sound old and crotchety, but in my day we believed in simple facts. Basic truths are not optional to believe in.

11. ESPN’s Tim Tebow coverage-
That’s wonderful that he embraces his faith so openly; and goes on service missions that exhibit/fulfill his devotion. But you know what? I don’t give a shit! I don’t care what this overrated athlete does in his spare time away from the limelight- which will stop shinning on him after next football season. I can’t wait until he plays in a low level arena league, and there’s no more sycophantic coverage of this dbag.

12. Chase Daniel-
Would have been a bubble selection or NIT until the Alamo Bowl, when ESPN felt the need to show close-ups of the 5’9” QB’s family for the final 20 minutes! Outside of the Daniel family, WHO CARES!!?

13. U of Michigan grads, fans-
There’s a reason Wolverine fans are despised by fans of EVERY other school in the Big Ten. Yes, your school has some great graduate programs, but you didn’t go to medical school there! Yes, when the auto industry was rich and powerful, so was this school, but today Detroit is ready to entirely collapse, UM is a safety school for our nation’s smartest kids and you probably live in a Ypsilanti double-wide. And yes, your football team has a lot of proud moments- they all occurred decades before you were born.


14. Tyler Hansbrough-
Not even the best player on his team, let along the conference or the nation. But don’t tell that to Dickie V. and the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network.

15. Illini fans who incessantly bitch about bad calls- They’ll probably blame Dr. Chester Frazier’s injury on the refs too

16. Drunken, baseball illiterate Cub fans edges out Indiana ‘s circus clown warm-up pants in the play-in game.

I don’t hate the Cubs or their fans. I’m also totally fine with the fact that the local media slurps Cubbie Blue and gives much less attention to the White Sox. What I cannot tolerate though, are the LP Trixies and Trixymales that drink themselves retarded (ok, they’re more than halfway there sober), think Mark Grace is still on the team, and puke on the sidewalks in my neighborhood.

Bubble Burst

-The chick in the Progressive Insurance advertisements

-Former Iowa coaches (Bruce Pearl, Steve Alford etc.)

-The sight of Charlie Weiss

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Comments

  1. paulmbanks says

    Chris Hellinga, a.k.a. C-Murder probably wont like this bracket too much. But he is my friend and the only cool Michigan fan I’ve ever met in my life. At least I left out his Green Bay Packers…..notice there was plenty of Illini fan bashing too though!

  2. I really enjoy Bob Knight as a color analyst during college basketball games… I think the four and six seeds have a great chance in doing some damage in this Regional… anything anti-SportsCenter gets my support…

  3. Charley Davis says

    Since they have no business being mentioned as douchebags in the bracket at all, I’d like to see an 8-15 final, as I belong to both groups. A liberal scumbag like you would find fault with my position anyway though, so I’m hardly surprised.

    The bad guy in Illini land isn’t Bobby Knight; it’s Mike Slive. I would characterize the actions of a backstabbing lawyer that lands his client on probation for lack of institutional control as the ultimate douche. He sucks as commissioner of the SEC and I’m sure he’ll develop an awful bracket since he’s on the selection comittee again.

  4. The Statue of Harold Baines says

    How did Charlie Weiss escape? You need more ND representation! Good to see that you’re pissing off other people though as well. I’m pulling for your #3 seed to win it all

  5. paulmbanks says

    “Liberal scumbag?” I like that kind of fire in TSB commenters. Interesting choice Charly as Illination public enemy #1. more so than Bruce Pearl, or the referee who actually started the paranoia that most Illini fans have that the refs are always out to get them. by that I mean the dude who fucked up the fumble calls against Rocky Harvey and Anthony Thomas in the Michigan game 2000.

    You told me which selections of mine piss you off- which is good, please keep it up. But knowing you, I know you’re in complete agreement on more than half my bracket! You may be surprised that EG is just a 5

  6. Charley Davis says

    Bruce Pearl and Dr. Tom Davis of the squaks are pure evil so they belong in a different category all together.

    Bill LeMonnier is the ref who bungled the 2000 Michigan game and yes there is a special place in Hell reserved for him. Tom Cahill, the ref who let Sean May bulldozer over Roger Powell, will be heading there as well.

    You should consider yourself fortunate that I censor myself and don’t set the trackbacks ablaze with full on conservative zealotry.

  7. paulmbanks says

    bring it on!

  8. Bruce Weber says

    Dude, Charly you are a douchebag! You should be seeded in this regional

  9. C-Murder aka Chris Hellinga says

    haha thanks banks. When I started to read this list I thought to myself…where is this regional being hosted, my house? The list is a who’s-who of things and people I like. Funny stuff though, other than gordon making the list….can we switch it to kelvin sampson, he’s the real d-bag

  10. prowriter0923 says

    I agree with a lot of things in this bracket. Especially with on the bubble d-bags like the girl in the Progressive commercials.

    I can’t stand that girl or the commercial.

  11. paulmbanks says

    LOL! Chris I was just about to text you on this…That’s part of what makes us such good friends, we have fun together despite our differences.

    You’re right that Kelvin “Mr. Telephone Man” Sampson is the true dbag! Who’s your pick to win this regional?…..which yes would obviously be held in SICA. Ha ha.

  12. paulmbanks says

    I wish those comemrcials would GO AWAY sometime! Please Big Ten Network ENOUGH

  13. C-Murder aka Chris Hellinga says

    haha couldn’t agree more banks! My pick would have to be the #2 seed. When I think of d-bag the “lizard” pops in my head immediately. Sleeper would have to be the #14 seed.

  14. #3 should take this bracket hands down. Just because you’re Irish shouldn’t make you a Notre Dame fan… why are they the Fighting Irish anyway? Notre Dame is French.

  15. paulmbanks says

    ha ha! good point. I guess that group would include the people who live near and within South Bend and have no connection to the school. I hate the small town fans (not just Chicagoland people) who love ND too

  16. Banks – I am disappointed since I am ProChief. The Chief causes no harm to anyone and he celebrates a ritual of the Indian tribes. You could have easily replaced this with Digger Phelps. This guys is such a tool by sucking on the ACC bong along with a few of the other ESPN Gameday croonies.

  17. paulmbanks says

    Digger sounded like such a retard this past weekend! Wow he is an idiot, and his hatred for the Big Ten? It’s like the conference molested him as a child or something.

    Corks you’re part of the #15 seed people aren’t you?

  18. Ghost in the Machine says

    3 seed is my favorite to come out of this regional. The 16 seed should give the 1 seed a run in the 1st round.

  19. Peter Christian says

    Whoever wins the 2nd round matchup of your 6 and 13 seeds is taking your regional. Just the way it is.

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