Douchebracket Banks Regional Finals


digger phelps cheerleader

By Paul M. Banks

Remember to comment in the threads below, because your feedback will help determine who advances to play for the douchebag national title.

Regional semifinalist  #1 Tim Tebow Media Coverage

#1 seeded Tebow’s media slurping slaughtered #16 Joe Francis in the first round, a game that was much more lopsided than experts originally thought it could be. Traditionally, 1-16 games are lopsided, but a man who needed to hire Snoop Dogg as a pitchman just so all of us wouldn’t punch him in the face every time we saw him is no ordinary #16 seed. Yet he’s no match for an entity like the media man-crush on Tebow.

Here’s a drinking game guaranteed to make you die from alcohol poisoning within a couple hours. Have someone compile a DVD of all of Tebow’s television clips, profiles and interviews these past four years. Then take a shot every time a talking head refers to him as “Superman” or says a variation of the phrase “we are all better people for having known him.” LORD (pun intended) help us all!

The #8-#9 game was an instant classic. Life coaches and Resume/job hunting experts are essentially the same kind of douchebags, so it was a tight game the whole way featuring similar ball played at both ends of the floor. Overall, career specialists prevailed because they usually take a high-and-mightier position without less of a leg to stand on. Life Coaches are just laughably pathetic (Joel Osteen anyone?) and only the stupidest of the stupid look to them.

But seriously, if  “job experts” and “career advisors” know so much, how come they’re not retired with $30 million dollars? If your stockbroker knows so much about the market, how come he has to get up and go to work? Since Tebow obviously won’t make it as a NFL quarterback, maybe he’ll need to consult these low-level bottom-feeders soon. Or maybe he’ll just become America’s most well-known life coach?

digger phelps cheerleader

Regional Semifinalist: #4 Digger Phelps

Have you seen the creepy video of Digger Phelps dancing with a Clemson cheerleader? If not, look below. Given how much that song sucks, and how unattractive the Clemson girl is, it’s hard not to keep Digger out of the Sweet Sixteen. He also got an assist from Pete Carroll leaving USC before the NC-double assholes give Troy the death sentence. Bandwagon front-runner USC fans are douchebags in the truest sense, but their numbers are diminishing as the losses pile up, and these trends will continue.

#5 Favre Slurping media fell victim to the dreaded 12-5 curse because I’m just so sick of Favre, and of Favre coverage that I’m now completely sick of even making fun of it. #12 “BCS apologists in the press” are some extreme douchebags, no doubt. But they had an off game against Digger Phelps. They were considered a trendy pick to win it all last week, as a very high number of brackets submitted picked them to take the Banks Regional. However, they just didn’t match-up well against a team with such balance and symmetry in their highlighter and tie combinations.

Regional Semifinalist #10 D-list cheerleaders/dance teams

I’ll be politically incorrect and just speak for most men. (Trust me they think this) When it comes to evaluating professional or collegiate dance teams, we don’t give a crap about the music, the routines, athletic ability or dancing skill. It’s ONLY about what the girls look like in tight, skimpy outfits. Period. I know this doesn’t burst any bubbles of dance instructors all across this great nation, because gay men and women can admire their detail- intensive choreographed routines.

Me? I defer back to some girl from the Jewish sorority on campus that I took home from a party in college. “Guys just have to not embarass themselves to look cool, and girls will look good as long as they work it!” That’s all I need or will ever want to know. I can’t think of a simpler yet more effective way to encapsulate my opinion of expressing oneself through the art of dance.

And that’s why we don’t need dancers/cheerleaders/”____ Crews” to throw out t-shirts in baseball and hockey. We CERTAINLY don’t need “crews” for non-MLB affiliated minor league baseball franchises and minor league hockey. And it’s quite laughable how hot and sexy these girls truly regard themselves to be! You make nothing or $5 an hour at most to do this stuff- you’re not a supermodel!

Given how easy is it to make fun of D-List cheerleaders, they cruised through their portion of the bracket, trouncing the higher seeded Melanie Collins in round one. Collins was so bad at her tv reporting/hosting gigs, she’s already irrelevant. She’s not even on the air anymore, so she’s no longer worth criticizing.

In the other game, Mike Ditka crushed the Chicago Bears front office, on the strength of his stumping for Sarah Palin days before the ’08 election. I’m no McCain fan, but I can at least understand how some people, in some bizarre convaluted way, would be. So stumping for him I could excuse. But Palin? she’s even more retarded than Michelle Bachmann! People that believe Sarah Palin is great for America are even dumber than she is, and are therefore granted automatic passage into the second round. In fact, Palin’s supporters are so retarded, I’m shocked Ditka survived the D-list cheerleaders game. Must have been a 1 pt, quadruple overtime crew

Regional Semifinalist: #3 Chicago Bears Media Relations Department

The Bears denied Bob Costas an interview last season. Bob Freaking Costas, the guy calling their effing game on national television. If I’m NBC, the Bears ARE NOT on the national Sunday night game in 2010. If I’m Costas, I’m refusing to do another Bears game. This isn’t an isolated incident, I can think of a few guys who do video work in the media and have told me the skinny little shits in the Bears PR department have told them not to shoot certain things.

Seriously, you’re going to tell people what and what not to shoot, after they’ve already jumped through all one thousand of your stupid, lame hoops, just to cover a boring-ass practice? #14 “People who watch Around the Horn” never even stood a chance.

In the other game #6 Cubs Bleacher Fans were upset by the #11 seeded “Playing ‘I gotta Feeling’ at sporting events”. I “have a feeling” oblivious morons will think it’s hip and cool to play Black Eyed Peas songs at games for a long time though. This team will likely be back in full force next year even though they got ousted in a touch match-up with the Bears PR department in round 2. Trust me, it’s a program on the rise.

So what went wrong for the Cubs Bleacher Fans? One, douchebracket is held in the winterspring (or whatever season this is) not the summer, and two ripping on all the white trash in the bleachers is getting just too easy, especially after the Shane Victorino beer dropping incident. Of course, don’t ever rule out a comeback when it comes to Cub fans acting like douchebags, just when you think they can’t get worse…


  1. Charley Davis says

    Didn’t you criticize me for bringing non-sequester political ramblings into a sports discussion? Hypocrisy.

    Digger should advance. His douche qualifications were cemented during the LaPhonso Ellis recruitment.

  2. paulmbanks says

    I wish there some way to know that Digger somehow read this

  3. paulmbanks says

    hahaha you would have a pt. except in your case, we weren’t talking about any sports figure making a poltical statement. In our discussion, politics were never brought up. Here Ditka made his affiliation known. Of course I remember syaing something similar in the 92 election.

    anyways, good pt. about Digger, I forgot that. And it SHOCKS me that we have 4 regions, and a douchebracket NIT, yet no one has Bruce Pearl? How did he slip through the cracks?

  4. Charley Davis says

    I thought about mentioning Pearl, but his evil extends beyond annoyance. So Digger will just have to be his proxy.

    Mike Ditka, who is no longer part of Da Bears organization, has no realtion to the media relations department that upsets you, nor the dance team heading that your partisan rant appears in.

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