Douchebracket Banks Regional


By Paul M. Banks

It’s that time of year again! The 2nd annual douchebracket; which is exactly what it sounds like, a tournament of douchitude. In last year’s inaugural event, my regional finalist, “Notre Dame fans with no genuine school affiliation” routed Rachel Nichols in the title game. The earlier rounds were much more exciting as Alex Rodriguez out-lasted his agent, Scott Boras in the finals of Peter’s regional and then had the ND fans on the ropes until A-Rod choked away the national semi-final.  The Notre Dame fans were aided by 1.) this tourney coincides with St. Patrick’s Day 2.) Chicago’s Southside Irish parade got so unruly last year that the event was indefinitely terminated. In the other semifinal, Rachel Nichols routed Ronnie Woo Woo.

#1 Tim Tebow Media Coverage vs. #16 Joe Francis

Our first match-up is nothing short of a battle for moral standards. St. Tebow takes on one of America’s most well-known purveyors of dreck and low-level trash. Now remember, I’m not making Tebow himself the #1 seed in my douchebracket, it’s the people who cover him. And the way they do it. In the modern age of media, no college athlete has ever been as unjustly deified as Tim Tebow. The only other collegiate jock the press has come even remotely close to undeservedly lionizing is Tyler Hansbrough. Don’t get me wrong this is nothing against St. Tebow, he seems like a nice, hard-working type of guy. This is on the people who cover him.

And Tebow even took time in his Campbell trophy acceptance speech in December to thank both ESPN and CBS for their coverage of college football, and made special mention of the dedicated efforts of CBS’s Craig Silver and ESPN’s Chris Fowler (two of Tebow’s biggest de facto PR flaks).

As for the “Girls Gone Wild” creator, it’s hard to decide who’s a bigger piece of pathetic Southern fried trash, Francis himself or the low self-esteem losers he has appears in his vids.

#8 Career Advice Professionals vs. #9 Life Coaches

In some ways these two bottom-feeders are essentially the same. Career advice people are some of the lowest forms of life because they’re vultures picking at people when they’re at their most vulnerable. Then again we have life coaches. Who died and made these people gurus of all that is worthwhile? As a child, parents should be your life coaches. As an adult, well hopefully you had at least one reasonably sane parent, so that you can be your own life coach. This game is a pick’em.

#4 Digger Phelps  vs. #13 Bandwagon USC Fans

Need help filling out your brackets? Listen to what Digger Phelps says, and then do the exact opposite. Seriously, why does this guy still have a job? Because he can match his tie with his high-lighter? As for front-runner, frat boy non-sports fan USC fans, they are why ESPN subjects us to garbage such as 1.) Matt Barkley for Heisman stories 2.) Extensive coverage of USC spring practice 3.) trying to make us care about USC’s summer non-contact drills.

#5 Favre Slurping media members   vs. #12 BCS loving journalists

The dreaded 12 over 5 curse? Maybe not because “Favre is just a kid out there.” “Favre is just having fun out there playing like a kid” because “he’s just a pass-happy gunslinger”. RE: BCS apologists- sure they get a lot of hospitality and s.w.a.g. from the bowl games, but they’re also selling out their integrity and inhibiting growth of the sport’s audience. Sure these media members are getting paid, but imagine how much they could get paid if we had  a “December Madness” type tournament going on? Think long term people.

#2 Mike Ditka vs. #15 Chicago Bears Front Office

Other than Al Bundy, who else has lived off one accomplishment for multiple decades? Ditka is a brand. He’s a corporation disguised as a human being, and a parody of himself ,who brings nothing to the table of any football telecast that he’s a part of. As for the Bears front office, it’s clear they have no clue what they’re doing; at any level. Personnel wise? Season records tell the story on that one. And the Bears are the only sporting event I’ve ever attended where the fans have been so trashy that I feared for my life. Well, don’t they have security there? Yes, and they take pride in doing nothing.Literally they do; just like the team’s offensive line.

melanie collins

#7 Melanie Collins vs. #10 D List Cheerleaders/Dance teams

Here’s a battle of two entities that offer nothing other than physical attributes. Collins is a former bikini model who should continue being seen and not heard. She jumped from NBA TV to the Big Ten Network, and is to broadcasting what Ben Wallace is to shooting free throws.

On the other bench, do we need cheerleaders in baseball and hockey? Seriously, I’m not sure if we need them beyond college in football and basketball. And besides aren’t a lot of these girls who dance for indoor soccer leagues and lacrosse franchises doing this for exposure? To jump-start their modeling/acting careers? Is there a point to that when you dance for a team that draws about 400 people per game?

dance team

#3 Chicago Bears Media Relations Department vs.

#14 People who watch Around the Horn

The Bears PR department reminds me of Dick “go F#$k yourself ” Cheney. Because that is literally their media relations policy. And they take pride in it. These jackasses relish the idea of having an adversarial relationship with the media. Believe me, there is nothing quite like the feeling you get when some young, skinny, $25,000 a year punk with no social skills condescends to you like you’re 10 years old. Even though you’ve just been following their screwed up protocol the whole time. EVERY JOURNALIST I know has a horror story from dealing with these dill-holes.

As for Around the Horn, how is that garbage still on the air? As bad as that program is, they got a tough draw in round one and won’t last long.

#6 Cubs bleacher fans   vs. #11 Playing Black-eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” at sporting events/telecasts

Can you think of anything else encapsulating the term “lame white people” better than these two? STOP PLAYING “I GOTTA FEELING” by the Black Eyed Peas at sporting events. PLEASE! This cliché is so tired that even my complaining about has become a very shopworn cliché in itself. And stop telling us that the bleachers are “the greatest party in Chicago” and such a “great place to meet people.” Yeah, you’ll meet people, boring drunk Caucasian stockbrokers who don’t mind paying $60 for the crappiest view in the stadium while speeding towards the development of melanoma in pursuit of $8 Old Styles.

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  1. paulmbanks says

    So who are your early favorites to come out of my regional? I think I know whose going to win, but I’d like to hear other opinions. Since I haven’t seen Melanie Collins on BTN in like 6 mos…she’s a 1st round exit likley

  2. the potential 4/5 second round match-up should be a doozy…

  3. paulmbanks says

    it might go 6 OT

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