Week 1 of the TSBFL is in the books, ladies and gentlemen. We saw some late-game chokes/comebacks, complete blowouts, and broken headsets. Overall, it was a fine way to start the season, and as a special treat we have some coach reactions to the weekend’s proceedings. If you want to see what each team looks like, here’s our full rosters.
Week 1 results:
Miller Lite Division
The Stafford Effect 115, SICA SportsBankers 91
Large, Oval Balls 87, Team Penetration 76
FREE PLAX 91, Team Fowler 64
Bud Light Division
Orange Crush 84, Grateful Red 55
Team Guinness 96, JaJuan All-Stars 73
Purple Jesus is my Homeboy 79, Dick Whitmans 68
Next week’s matchups:
MLD
Large, Oval Balls at SICA SportsBankers
The Stafford Effect at Team Fowler
Team Penetration at FREE PLAX
BLD
JaJuan All-Stars at Grateful Red
Orange Crush at Dick Whitmans
Team Guinness at Purple Jesus is My Homeboy
Week 1 Coach/GM reactions:
The Stafford Effect
(Coach H. Jose Bosch)
I thought our guys did a great job this week. My depression over the Lions’ secondary was matched by my joy for Drew Brees and his incredible performance. Thirty-six fantasy points? Really? And Thomas Jones picking up 22 points was amazing.
We regret benching Santonio Holmes this week. My coaches and I just didn’t think he’d make a difference. … Actually we forgot to set the lineup and didn’t realize the Steelers were playing on Thursday. Anyway, we were pretty confident going into the week. Banks and Soxman have a good team but being a native Detroiter, I know when anything related to the Sox is involved, the Sox lose.
I’m not afraid of Team Fowler next week. Have you seen his lineup? Yeah.
SICA SportsBankers
(Head Coach Paul M. Banks, sweaty and tired looking, dressed in full Bill Belichick attire from cut-off Patriots sweatshirt to headset.
General Manager and Special Teams Coach, Soxman, also attending).
On Drew Brees
Soxman: He was who we thought he was (expletive). You want to crown him now (Stafford Effect) because of one week? CROWN EM! (slams his fist down on the table)
On Tom Brady
Banks: Tom is Tom. A little tentative still pushing off on the knee, but he’s our franchise. His 375 yards topped Drew Brees passing total last time I checked.
Their Teams Biggest Disappointment
Soxman: Our running game has got to improve. Steve Slaton will not rush for 17 yards next week or this team will be 0-2. WR Eddie Royal proved to be a royal pain in the posterior, doing nothing as well. We might sit Beanie Wells next week until he proves ready to take on more of a load.
Banks: Disappointment does not win games. Irrelevant, next question.
Their Teams Biggest Surprise
Banks: Darren Sproles looked good even though we didn’t start him. Talk to the GM about that decision. It was not mine.
Soxman: The Eagles Special Teams and Defense. I knew they were going to be good, but not this good. They were one point behind Drew Brees this week and were a late round draft pick.
On The Stafford Effect
Banks: Our tapes show their play calls were predictable..hmmm…I mean the team was beatable.
Soxman: The Stafford Effect was last week, we are now focused on the Oval Balls to try and turn this thing around in week II.
Looking Ahead
The Sportsbankers are looking for a RB and WR to step forward. While WR Earl Bennett only produced 6 points, he was targeted the most of any Bears player. If Jay Cutler turns things around, Bennett could be a principle beneficiary in week II.
Large, Oval Balls
(Coach Paul Schmidt)
This week’s game ball goes to Fred Jackson, heretofore named Fred “FTW” Jackson (that’s “For The Win” for the uninitiated…). Mr. McCormick and I were deadlocked at 76 when Fred started to do his thing, picking up some good chunks of yards, but more importantly, being a threat in the passing game — which is where he also scored a TD. All in all it was a semi-successful first week. I expect that we’ll get the kinks worked out for next week.
Team Penetration
(Coach Jake McCormick)
First off, I would like to congratulate Oval Balls on their victory. They definitely got us on the chin with the late game rally by Fred Jackson. With that said, this team has a long ways to go this season, and I’m happy this was only Week 1. I thought Carson Palmer and Matt Hasselback would be a toss up, seeing as they were playing the Broncos and Rams. Apparently Hasselback drank more Myoplex than Palmer, and will be getting a chance to showcase his nasally commercial pitches this week.
As for my running backs, Marion Barber did his “running into people” thing and had a good start for us. Michael Turner was facing a tough run defense, but honestly, who gives the ball to their fullbacks inside the five yard line, other than the Packers? Totally calling you out, Atlanta.
I am pleased to announce Steve Smith did not pop Jake Delhomme in the chin, although I would not be adverse to it. I’ve seen Wildebeest-sized women tailgating before Packer games that can read a better defense. And they had beers in their hands too. He will be starting this week, as will Roy Williams and Lee Evans. Williams is living up to his expectations and Evans needs to step it up. Props to Chris Cooley and his 14 points as well. Way to keep your pants on.
Good job Giants D, especially Osi Umenyiora doing his best Julius Peppers imitation. You probably won’t hear too much criticism this year about this unit.
Overall, I’m not too worried about FREE PLAX. I think he’s got a few issues he has to work out, and although he’s favored, we’re going to go into the game looking to finish it right this time.
FREE PLAX
(Coach Andy Weise)
Drew Rosenhaus says, “FREE PLAX, NEXT QUESTION.”
Team Fowler
(Coach Jake Fowler)
Your welcome FREE PLAX. My whole team held a meeting and decided they were going to have a bye the first week. I completely understand. It’s been a rough training camp fellas. Best to be fresh for the playoffs. The only person i’m giving any props to on my team is Tim Hightower. He didn’t gain many yards on the ground but had 12 catches for 121 yards. Pretty impressive for a running back. Now only if Stephen Jackson (who I drafted ahead of Drew Brees) could follow suit. This match-up also would have been close had it not been for FREE PLAX’s TE John Carlson having the game of his life. 21 points from a tight end! What! My team will bounce back though. And i’m taking the Mark Cuban approach. Anyone on my team can be traded if this lack of production continues. I think my team may have been feeling neglected because i hadn’t properly named it and retaliated against me. So based on week 1’s performance my team name is now…CreepingFromBehind.
Grateful Red
(Coach Thomas Lea)
I guess to open, it’s a little frustrating. We have guys in here that come to 
play for five weeks in training camp, show things to me during the preseason and then don’t bring everything we’ve talked about onto the field. I’m happy for Willis, he had a good game, but really, other than that, we struggled in all phases of the game.
We certainly didn’t want to come out and get blown out by 30 points, but when you’re only able to put up 55 I guess that’s what you’re in for. I need more leadership from key guys like Kurt and LaDainian. Those are the guys that have been around and know how to help a team win. When they don’t play well, the team doesn’t. It’s plain and simple.
I liked what we got from Wes Welker, but Andre Johnson simply needs to play better if we’re going to do some thing offensively.
As far as starting Jermichael, that was on me. I thought he was ready to contribute on a high level, but that’s something I should have eased him into. That was simply bad on my part and I hope he doesn’t get deflated after that performance in week one. I think, based on what they were able to do in week one, both Michael Bush and Kellen Winslow will probably get the start next week. They’re on the top of the depth chart right now.
But give credit where it’s due, Orange Crush were not going to let us come into their place on opening day and steal one. They’re a good team. From top to bottom, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them making a run for the playoffs as the year progresses.
We’re going to have to regroup because we have a tough matchup with JaJuan Johnson All-Stars coming up and we can’t afford to fall into an 0-2 hole.
Leave a Reply