Take It To the Bank — College Football Saturday!

It’s been a long couple weeks.

I didn’t do so good for most of ya a couple weeks ago.  I had to go into hiding.

You don’t believe me? Here’s an email our esteemed Mr. Banks got:

Dear Louie:
I cannot believe that a simp like you who lives in Vegas went only 1-4 or 2-4, depending how you look at your parlay win. What a joke.  And you get paid for this? And people follow your advice?? It’s terrible!  A blind, one-nut monkey could do better than you. A blind one-nut monkey probably HAS done better than you.

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen

Well, Mr. Concerned Citizen, let me tell you something: I’ve got both balls, but I had to have my prostate removed back in ’77 after a long weekend with Cybil Shepherd. Not that that has anything to do with anything, I’m just saying.

And this week, this is what you’ll all be saying: How are you so lucky, Louie?? [Read more…]

Take It To The Bank, College Football Week 3


So I was sitting at the book at the Las Vegas Hilton over the weekend, and it was just like old times.

“Louie!!!”

“Hey, Louie, what’s cracking?”

“SECURITY!!!”

Now, maybe I groped that woman, maybe I didn’t. I’m an old man, and my mind ain’t what it used to be.

I do know, and I can say with absolute certainty…that those puppies were real. True story.

Now look, I don’t objectify women, but if they decide to come up to me, on a day where I am undefeated and making moneywell…I guess that money can be used as bail money too, huh?  Who’s with me?

I still got out with a slap on the wrist. Looks like fortune smiled down on ol’ Louie.

Maybe you can be just like me, Lucky. Heaven knows I was last week, now your chance to be Lucky like me. [Read more…]

Take It To The Bank, College Football Edition


Hey, last year’s last year.

This is the year you want to tune in.

This Sports Bank, they got a pretty smart guy runnin’ this thing. They saw the terrible job that that Chicagoan guy did picking games last season and they turned to a grizzled veteran to make the picks. That Paul Banks guy, he knows.  He knows.

He went out to Vegas to find the best, and he’s got him.

Now, yeah, maybe I’ve been on hard times lately…and that public drunkenness charge was trumped up because one time I told a story about a client that our now-mayor Oscar Goodman was defending…you know, a “good ol’ boy,” and voila! Now he finds any reason he can to get me throw me in the slammer.

I sure am glad Mr. Banks came out here and bailed me out of the hoosegow though. Anyways, I’m Lucky.  You listen to me, you’ll be lucky too. [Read more…]

Take It To The Bank! CFB Week 9

LasVegas-pano_
By Paul Schmidt

“I love my Idaho Vandals.  This is a ridiculous line.”

Well…it certainly was.  Should have been about twice as big…that was, however, one of the year’s silliest football games, with Nevada racking up nearly 500 rushing yards, and scoring 70 points in winning a 70-45 score-fest last weekend.

Just an all-around wild game…and also the only game I lost last week.  Although, I have to admit, that one line about loving Idaho…well, it makes me look like an idiot without an explanation.  See, I love EA Sports’ College Football games…and I try to find a really awful team to play with in dynasty mode, to make things more difficult, and I usually can win a national title with them after three or four seasons. So I’ve got a little affinity for the Vandals.

OK…that doesn’t make me sound like any less of an idiot.

This week, there’s some really, really tough games. But you’ve got to stick to what you believe.

As always, these are the lines from the Harrah’s Casinos in Las Vegas.

Central Michigan (+5.5) at Boston College
I believe that Dan Lefevour should be a Heisman Candidate because he is one of the best quarterbacks in the country. I believe that Boston College isn’t that good.  And, finally, I believe that I love my Chippewas. Pick: Central Michigan +5.5

Cincinnati (-15.5) at Syracuse
I believe the Bearcats are the best team in the country you don’t know about.  I believe Greg Paulus is a wang. Pick: Cincy -15.5

Michigan (-7) at Illinois
I believe Illinois is one of the worst teams in the country.  I believe Michigan is pretty good, and that laying only seven points is a terrible insult to them. Pick: Michigan -7

Michigan State (-3.5) at Minnesota
I believe that Minnesota doesn’t have much to play for after losing Eric Decker. I believe that Michigan State’s best football is still in front of them.  I believe that Adam Weber is an overrated QB. Pick: Michigan State -3.5

Last week: 3-1
Season Record: 18-12-2