TSB Summer Summit 2009 Recap: Double Take

By Melissa S. Wollering

See Part One For: Peter & David K. Reunion, Banks ‘State of the Summit’, Townie Bar Icebreaker, Potato Salad.  New: LOST, NL/AL Central Draft Recap, 2009 Ozzie Guillen Cornhole Tournament, TSB ‘That Guy’ Hat Trick Award, Summit By the Numbers, Black Market Liver w/Transplant



Some had seen it two or three times; others became immersed in it for their first.  However, Saturday morning over breakfast, the TSB gang gathered ‘round the television’ to watch the season finale of LOST like a 1960’s family holding hands, watching the friggin’ Lawrence Welk Show.

ABC definitely underestimated the commentary coming from this a group of sportswriters. So vivid was the discussion, that Daniel Flaherty’s death recap resembled the day Ronald Reagan’s body lie in repose in the Reagan Library. Jacob grew to become the most iconic figure NOT present at the Summit in physical form.  And last, but not least, Peter Christian’s famous soliloquy regarding Sun will forever be immortalized in David Palmer’s fantasy team name, Get F***** Sun.

NL/AL Central Draft Recap

That brings us to the surprise highlight of the weekend: the impromptu NL/AL Central 25-man-roster fantasy baseball draft held on Saturday afternoon.

With Bloody Mary’s in-hand and a 30-second on-the-clock selection limit, everyone reached down the depth charts to create the perfect fantasy roster complete with minor-league prospects. If you failed to make your selection within 30 seconds, you automatically received Nick Punto.  We’re proud to tell you there was 100% compliance with the time limit. Other fantastic team names include ‘Little White Balls’, ‘The Muffin Identification Squad’ and ‘***** *****’s Fat Black Sheep T****’s.  We can’t disclose everything that occurred at the Summit…

2009 Ozzie Guillen Cornhole Tournament

Ozzie would have shaken his head and started wildly gesturing signals to the pitcher if he knew Schmidt & Banks, Melissa & Palmer and Peter Christian & David K were being paired together for his first cornhole tourney. Old school Andre Agassi & Steffi Graf were played by Palmer & Melissa. Andre’s long hair was held back by a single sweatband as Steffi plotted the stabbing of Monica Seles.

‘Euro’style Peter and David K. donned zip-up sports jackets in bright colors, tight-ankle jeans (not really) and cigarettes. Guweinnen means ‘win’ in German.  Ja, ja.

After several rounds, the championship game matched ‘Euro’style against New School Agassi/Graf, with a bare-headed Agassi and pregnant Graf. Peter & David K. went on to win the 2009 Ozzie Guillen Cornhole Tournament with class and style, despite blustery conditions.

“There was a wicked wind coming from the East and it really affected our play,” says Agassi.  “Steffi and I are going to train in a wind tunnel during the off-season to prepare for the next Tournament.  We’re thinking we’ve got a fair shot after some intense bean-bag technique sessions and endurance drills.”

“We were awarded this shiny, gold trophy with words engraved on it,” says Peter.  “Go on David, touch it.  We won this.” The TSB group unanimously voted to leave the winners alone so they could celebrate.

TSB ‘That Guy’ Hat Trick Award

After a stellar game of Texas Hold’em, ballots for the first TSB ‘That Guy’ Award were tallied.  The Hat Trick award represents the man who epitomizes intelligence, hilariousness and sports-nerdiness.  A second vote was taken after Paul Schmidt and David Palmer (Or was it Jacob and Sun?) were tied for votes.  In the end, Paul Schmidt was awarded the ‘That Guy’ Award, complete with trophy.

“I am honored,” says Schmidt.  “But I also feel like I deserve it.  I mean, seriously, I drafted some of the best players to my fantasy team this weekend, I helped people pronounce Asdrubal Cabrera’s name and I argued the heck out of Peter and David K. in support of JaJuan. I also told Melissa that ‘they don’t make them like her’ in Milwaukee and that she should always wear a tennis skirt while cleaning the grill. If that’s not brown-nosing, I don’t know what is. I mean, what more do you want?”

Summit ‘By the Numbers’

Last, but certainly not least, the TSB Summit offered participants a vast array of beverages including domestic and local craft brews, wine, champagne and the finest vodka and whisky assortment of any middle to lower-tier shelf. To better gauge future consumption and compare statistics for future Summits, we offer this.

4 Cornhole Games Played
4 Beer Pong Games Played
36 Plastic Cups Recycled
106 Cans/Bottles Beer Consumed
105 Cans/Bottles Beer Recycled
1 Can Used for Cigarette Butts
12 Burgers, 7 Hot Dogs and 12 Brats Consumed
4 Pounds of Potato Salad Gone
24-16 oz. Bottles of Water Used to Rehydrate

Black Market Liver w/Transplant

Bottom line, scientists from around the world are collaborating in anticipation of the next TSB Summit.  They are teaming up to orchestrate what will be a close study of the inner-workings of one of our favorite and most important organs: the liver.

‘The Liver Capacity Test’ is designed to track the function and processing speed of the liver. It begins at a reasonable time on a Friday evening, approximately 1-2 hours after the subject has had his/her first beverage.  It tracks the function and processing speed of the organ over the course of the next 48 hours. 

Peter Christian was the first test subject in this experimental/initial stage of clinical trials.  He reported mild-to-moderate intoxication Friday evening, severe intoxication early Saturday until potato salad consumption, mild intoxication Saturday during the day and increasing drunken severity during the wee hours of the morning Sunday.  On Sunday, he reported what (in lamens’ terms) is coined a mild ‘hangover’, with symptoms lasting for another 18-24 hours.

“I was ill to begin with and started the weekend off with some cold symptoms, some coughing,” says Peter. “By Monday morning, I believe my body began to reject the DayQuil I had been taking without my minimum accompaniment of three drinks.  Is that bad?”

Hours later, Peter had googled ‘black market liver’, to which he found a surprising number of results.

“Can they include a manual for do-it-yourself liver transplant surgery along with the organ on ice?” asked Peter.


Final Remarks

We could not have wished for a better, more productive Summit such as this one.  We worked hard, we drank harder and the memories made will last a lifetime.  Or until the next Summit, which will indefinitely come first.

The 2009 TSB Winter Summit is tentatively scheduled for fall or early November, before the winter weather makes Wisconsin roads terrible and before collegiate and professional sports go ape sh** for their respective seasons.

We’ll see you there!  Until then, Get F***ed Sun!